What have I gotten in to?

Ok, so... there is so much but, I will start here.
I have a younger wife with a 12 year old daughter. I have been in SD's life 5 years. 3 years BD went off the grid. Pops in every so often to stir things up. SD has severe mental health issues, some in part because of BD. Now BD has lost all parental rights and has a no contact order (mentally abusive). Now, what started out as what I deemed a "normal" step-family has taken a major turn. The child is intense and mostly unmanageable. Committed at 11y/o (suicidal / violent). My wife employes "guilt driven parenting". It was not as noticeable until we have SD 24/7/365 and no reprieve. There was no structure or order until I stepped in, behaviors got better and there was more predictability. Wife and I disagree that there is a difference between MH behaviors and bratty kid. Do I back off and let her do her thing and TRY to live in the chaos? Do I continue because the child needs parenting my wife isn't capable of? No tooting my own horn but even the doctors say I have made a big difference. Our marriage is suffering and basically has no substance. Another concern is - I am retired military and after working hard my life I want to chill but, with the pandemic- I had to become special Ed. teacher and sitter. Now, school is out again and My wife is expecting me to watch my SD all summer. Am I wrong to say I believe it's not my duty and I have done quite enough already?? Funny how people see you are retired and want to fill your schedule. Sorry so long!

Next-Step's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Well, kids with MH issues do

Well, kids with MH issues do still need structure and good parenting, but them responding to that doesn't mean there were no MH issues to begin with.

I don't think it's your job to parent the kid, it's hers. And as she gets older, your SD will refuse to accept your parenting, most likely. But you should also not watch her, pay for anything for her, drive her anywhere, etc.

We call it "disengagement" around here. Your wife can't have it both ways. If she won't parent her kid, don't take that on. And no, it's not your job to watch her all summer, especially if she's poorly behaved.

It is not your job to stay at

It is not your job to stay at home with your step daughter, your wife needs to figure it out.

Being in the military means you have had structure and expectations and discipline for your entire adult life. Your SD has (seemingly) not had that at all until you came into the picture. Your wife is having a hard time because you have different styles of parenting and her mind doesn't work like yours. There is a middle ground in there somewhere that the 2 of you need to find. Something where you both feel comfortable with roles, expectations and discipline.

The statement you made that "Our marriage is suffering and basically has no substance" is probably the most concerning thing that I read. Being a step parent is hard. Being in a marriage when there are drastic changes (your retirement) can be challenging. Not having a solid foundation and substance to your marriage makes these things amplified.

Whether or not you want to continue in this marriage is your call. Yes, kids can end relationships- part of it is the kid and the other part is how your spouse can handle parenting. It is ok to not want to spend your life supporting a kid that has issues that her bio parents aren't properly dealing with. I think it would be a different story if your wife was doing everything possible and trying to take as much burden as she can away from you- but she is shoveling it on you instead. It wouldn't sit right with me if I was in your shoes.

Another complication

Thank y'all - there really isn't much honest support available in this!

So, all of a sudden the perfect home popped up- I wanted a mini farm and she wanted a new construction with land. Our realtor called and asked us to meet at an address. Great find- 7 acres, barn, workshop, farm style house 2900 sq ft. Aaand completely restored all updated and modern interior. Totally gutted and rebuilt- no one ever lived there post renovation. We loved it- met everyone's needs.

So the problem- in our current home, much smaller, our master suite is off limits to SD. Kid free sanctuary if you will. Now in the new home there is a small den with an office area right off the master suite. I again, wanted there to be a kid free zone for my escape and the area including a small den seemed appropriate- the house got bigger so should my escape. The concept worked before but now wife wants to let the child into our den/ office. (Which includes our safe to host stuff kids shouldn't have access to). My wife disagrees and now thinks SD should be able to enter the den. We close in a couple days and now this comes up.
I do not feel I need to share the entire house with a child. SD is already the determining factor in just about everything as it is. Wife said that I would have the barn and big work shop for me why do they get limited access in the house. So my place is outside the main house? I married her to have a relationship and do things with her - circumstances changes as BioDad is out of the equation. Now there is no doing things as a couple, maybe sitting and reading or watching a show in our private area can make up for that. Nope- I want to cancel the purchase at this point. I can't see how my needs / beliefs can be met. She refuses to read any research on step families. She refuses to understand the dynamic.
I feel I will be miserable what ever decision I make at this point. If I back out of purchase- I lose a dream house. And my VA home guarantee will be obligated if it fails after we settle in. If I stay, I stress out and lose any chance at having peace. After absorbing some of your comments I can see, the kid really isn't the big problem. It's mom and the guilt. Did I mention that I am a disabled veteran with PTSD and anxiety from service in the sandbox? If I am having a bad day, I have to pack my problems away and switch to super-dad and deal with SD issues with rainbows and unicorns.

fun fun fun... any Ideas?

Insist on that room being kid

Insist on that room being kid-free. Every room in the house doesn't need to be a designated playroom. Kids these days have their own rooms and often take over the living room with toys and video games. In previous generations, i don't think it was usually that way. They played in their rooms, maybe had a "playroom" or game room, and went outside, instead of lurking around their parents all day and night.