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mom vrs real name

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 7:31am

:?

I have been with my husband for 3 years now. We have a child of our own, and he has a child from a previous relationship. His childs mother is no longer in the picture and hasnt been for about 6months now. Recently he asked to call me mom rather than my real name. A few days later he said he wanted to call me by my real name because I wasnt his "real" mom. I asked if I wasnt his mother than who was? and he said he didnt know. I told him I was his mother and his father is his dad and we both love him very much. He said ok he didnt know and was upset over everything. His father and myself want to sit him down and reassure him of things, but we are unsure what should be said vrs not said. He is 5 years old. Please any help would be great!

Comments

BellaMia's picture

Submitted by BellaMia on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 7:49am

This is a very confusing time for him. It's hard enough for adults to deal with things like this, let alone a 5-year-old.

Allow him to have the flexibility to call you by both names, until he feels comfortable. Also, I don't think you should say you are his mother. I can't imagine how bad he felt when you asked, "if I wasn't his morther than who was". That is hurtful and simply confuses him that much more as he is surely missing/grieving his mother. No matter how crappy we think/know a bio parent is, the fact remains that is often what the skids know and what they are used to and, of course, who they love.

Bottomline: Lots of grace and compassion are necessary, not force. Give him boundaries (he can't call you Big Dummy Head, of course...), but don't give him demands about what to call you. Let him work through his feelings. I would also recommend you guys put him in counseling and that you attend counseling as a family as well.

Good luck to you guys...

BellaMia's picture

Submitted by BellaMia on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 9:43pm

"Between the two of you come up with a special nickname only he is allowed to call you. Just as special if not even more."

That's a great idea. I love that... We have to remember that kids at this age usually lack the ability to articulate how and what they are feeling, and they don't have the skills to work through it emotionally either. What children do instead is internalize and personalize EVERYTHING. (I love kids, but they truly are egomaniacal little assholes... Quite "me"-oriented...) Smile

Be sensitive to this and simply be a support system and a guide through this extremely painful process

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:39am

Poor kid, this is a very difficult time for him and he's probably feeling all kinds of emotions that he has no idea how to deal with given he is only 5. I agree to let him sort it out for himself and he will figure it out.

Reassure him that you love him and are there for him..but let him do his own thing...

Good luck....Z