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Love for Skids?

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 1:22pm

how long does it really take to feel love for the skids? especially if in the beginning they were rude, disrespectful, and said things that pissed you off. (you're fat, you're crazy, I wish my mom and dad were together again....ect) and now they are on this trip that they dont feel comfortable around me...why? What did I do I hardly even say anything because when I do hubby gets upset, I never fuss at them, besides telling them to close the door when they are running in and out from outdoors, or close the refrigerator door cause they are standing there with it open for about 4 to 5 minutes just staring at stuff.... Although things are better they are 8 and 7 now and im the adult but I still dont feel love for them.....and now that I have two children of our own, i really dont feel it. But lets say if they were in the street and a car was coming I would not let them get hit, or if I saw a bigger kid push them down I would go over and let that kid have it! or if a teacher was out of place I would let her have it. So what are these feelings??? Does this mean I do care? and just don't love them yet?

Comments

somerg's picture

Submitted by somerg on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 1:24pm

i used to feel love for my skids, but finding it harder and harder to (my posts explain)

good luck and don't "expect" a thing, or you WILL be disappointed

dakotamom's picture

Submitted by dakotamom on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 1:26pm

i've never loved them and it's getting farther and farther from being a possibility as time goes. been a "stepmom" (hate that title)for 4 years

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 1:37pm

I always think of the level of feeling that I have for my skids is equal to that I feel for my neices and nephews. I am not close to my neices and nephews, sure I am nice to them, buy them gifts on Birthdays and Christmas and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them, but that is about as far as it goes. I also think that having my BS made any hope of ever getting close to the skids a distant reality. I just don't even care anymore....

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 1:38pm

I'm the same way. its been 3 years. No love, but I don't want to see them hurt either. I may happen, it may never happen. Its ok either way. Nothing is wrong.

Stepmom_Lori's picture

Submitted by Stepmom_Lori on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 2:00pm

Don't pressure yourself to love them. There are no rules that say we have to love our stepkids. You care about them and treat them good, to me that should be enough. You may eventually, years from now, learn to love them...or maybe you won't. It's not a requirement.

I care about my SD and like the PP, I compare my love for her to that of a niece or an nephew but for a long time I felt like I HAD to love her like she as my own child. It was unecessary pressure that I put on our relationship. I'm sure she never felt like she HAD to love me like her mother but she does love me in her own way.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 2:10pm

Definitely don't pressure yourself and get the book "Stepmonster"

I was honest with GG up front as I am not a "kid" person. I enjoy the company of WELL BEHAVED children and that CERTAINLY will NEVER describe GG's children.

They too are disrespectful, do all the annoying things mentioned above, have no concept or have never been taught hygiene, manners, etc. etc.

Whereas GG and the Behemoth "love" kids, meaning they go APESHIT over their "cutesy" looks. I swear these type of adults make the WORST parents as they're easily manipulated and suckered in when Jr. bats his eyelashes their way.

corgimom's picture

Submitted by corgimom on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 2:22pm

I have only been a stepmom for about five months, and my skids aren't disrepectful towards me, and hopefully they won't grow to do that either (they're only ages 3 and 5 right now). They say they love me, and I believe them, but I think they love me as much as they love Spiderman and Littlest Pet Shop. I care a lot for them and I would definitely step in if I ever saw anyone mistreating them or if I could shield them from getting hurt, but I am not to the love stage yet. I think I will be someday, but I'm not sure what kind of love it will be. I don't think it will compare to the love I will have for my BC when it is born. They say you love everyone differently, i.e. husband, parents, siblings, extended family, etc.. so maybe stepkids have their own tier of love as well.

secondplace's picture

Submitted by secondplace on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 2:26pm

I have tried to analyze my feeling for my skids as well. I truly do care for them, and am often quite fond of them, just like my neice or nephew.

I couldn't figure out why it was hard to have them around, especially when it was only EOWE.

However, I finally realized I wouldn't want my neice or nephew over Fri to Sun EOWE and Wednesdays either.

So, I can accept my feelings, as it is not about them - it's just that I enjoy the time when they're not there more.

mommy_of_4's picture

Submitted by mommy_of_4 on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 3:40pm

I have been in my Skids lives for almost 6 years. I do NOT love them...90% of the time I don't like them either. I have never loved them and never will. Maybe if they got better with age, I would try but the older get the more manipulative and vendictive they become. Ours are with us full time and I would be in complete and total heaven if I NEVER had to see them again. Unfortunately thats not likely to happen.
Actually, I can honestly say I hate them!!

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 3:59pm

There are so many different kinds of love and varying stages of it. I love my DH with a way different love than I love my kids. I love my pets. I love my parents. All in different ways.

I'm not sure I would say that I love SD, however I like her, I feel proud when she does well, I worry about her wellbeing. I worry about the kind of person she is becoming. So I would say I care for her. Maybe that is a stage of love?

If I never feel that I love her? To me that's ok. I dont' expect to, only to exist respecfully where our lives intersect. For me that's enough. I wish it were enough for DH. I expect it's not.

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 4:10pm

That's me - REALISTIC ! To hear my DH put it it's my biggest fault. He is a true romantic. We wants to think we can all just love each other and it will all work out without any thought to realistic expectations. What can I say? opposites attract !

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Fri, 03/18/2011 - 8:26am

I would call myself candid also. DH would call it harsh. One of the things I once said he often brings up. I told him "I don't need SD to like me" he was all kinds of offended. I tried to explain that I'd like her to like me, I try to mend things so she'll like me but I don't need that to make my life complete. And more than that, she doesn't need me in her life. She has a mom, she has friends, I am just an 'extra'.

Like you, sometimes I appreciate his perspective and sometimes it just makes me insane !

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 5:20pm

I met ss when he was 2. I "fell in love" with him fairly quickly-probably within the first year-dh was custodial. However, I "fell out of love" with him when he was about 9. He's almost 13 now. Too much crap over the years. I find it hard to love someone that treats you poorly over and over again and has no love for you.