Please help in defining my role.
DH and I are newlyweds. At times I am so glad we got hitched and other times I think what in the world did I get myself into. I have a BD7 and SS15. DH and I dated for 2.5 years before we got married. I never really was able to have a relationship with SS. The BM is a manipulative control jealous freak and SS is spoiled. When the two of them are not around DH and I have a great relationship including my BD. Anytime SS needs something I try to help DH anyway I can. However, BM is very demanding and controlling. DH and I live 1 hour away so to call for just a ride to baseball practice is something I struggle with. The BM is lazy and thinks she can control our marriage. I try not to say too much. I really try hard not to feed the fire with fuel, but at times I feel like there is not much more I can take.
I have been labeled by BM to be controlling and manipulative. (Imagine that). I am not by any means that way. DH goes and comes as he pleases and does whatever, whenever he wants. I feel that I have been labeled without anyone getting to know me. And of course, it is put into SS head that I am this way and I am the bad person. The BM is very jealous, even though she left DH for another man and remarried 7-8 years ago. I am tired of having to sit back and say nothing, yet I feel if I do then I am in the wrong, because no matter what I say I am the bad guy in everyone's eyes. My intentions are to never take away a father son relationship. I don't really care what BM thinks about me, I am just hurt because she makes my DH choose between me and SS. BM gives DH a guilt trip whenever she can and tells SS that BD doesn't love him because he chooses me over SS. If I say something about it I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle. When is enough enough? I married a man that I get to see 1 day a week. Partly because of where he works and then BM calling him to be just a taxi for SS. I am glad that he spends time with SS when he is not just giving a ride. I feel like I had more time with him when we were dating than I do now and that we are living together. I fell like I am in hell again. I know that SS is 15 and the age factor doesn't help. I have tried to get to know SS so we all spend time together. Any suggestions?
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Ohhhhh....the controlling BM
She is not part of the new marriage so don't let her be. I know how hard it is because I am still learning to disengage from her...
I know your struggles. My DH takes his girls to all their extra-curricular activities. For me, I don't really mind because he gets to see his girls that much more. BUT there is a schedule involved and it sounds like you are lacking that. DH should not be available on a whim and if he wants to be available on a whim for his son, then he needs to work you into his schedule as well. For me, every Thursday is no kid night for us. We don't always do something, but usually we go out to dinner or something. Or maybe a blockbuster night. More than one night is tough in our situation with five kids that play sports.
Look at the bright side too, if your SS is 15 he's getting real close to not needing a taxi service.
Good luck!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Thanks for
the response. I have tried to expain to hubby that I am in need of time with him. It can be difficult with out schedule. Having my BD is something to. Her BF does not have a set work schedule. He is a truck driver so she sees him when she can. I wish I could find some consistancy somewhere. Do you ever feel like your DH put his girls and the ex first? If so, how do you deal with those emotions?
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I know how difficult it is
I know how difficult it is to be supportive and not speak up. Just trying to keep "it" peaceful, which is probably a good way to go for some issus.
It sounds like to me you are trying to pick your battles. For you the issue of time with DH is obviously a battle worth fighting for, so to speak. Talk to DH about how he feels about being at the SS's beck and call. It may be he doesn't like it either, but feels guilted into being available by the BM. Help him understand the difference of being available and being taken advantage of by BM.
Help him to verbalize this concern to the BM and how to offer BM a new plan, such as: setting plans for SS needs, setting schedules for taxi service in advance, and holding BM to those plans. The reason for this? Managing his time better so he isn't away from home and new wife so much. If BM doesn't like it, that's really too bad (which she's using this current method as a way to control DH). She's not married to you, DH is and keeping his relationship with you is most important. Afterall, it's not the son that will be spending the rest of his life with DH, but you.
My point is parents sometimes confuse the priority of parenting with the priority of marriage. It is a balancing act, but in the end, the marriage needs to come first. By taking this path, you and DH will marinate your skids/kids in a home filled with "go to the wall for my spouse" love. You will teach them the life-long values of loyalty and trust in an adult relationship. They will learn that, if nothing else, the world does not evolve around meeting their every need/want. Kids that think mom and dad are "living for my existance" evolve into self-centered adults.
Right now, it seems like DH is sending out the message to his son that dad is available anytime he wants, even at the sacrifice of his adult relationship with the woman he loves...and that dad's sole existance is to be available to his kids. I doubt that's a message your DH really wants to give to his son.
BTW, I'm offering this advice based on personal experience and on the professionals who state the marriage comes first.