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Does anyone else feel like BM's and BD's pull a bait and switch while dating?

neveragain's picture

Submitted by neveragain on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 8:09am

From reading these blogs and from IRL experieneces, I feel like people with kids are just looking for step parents and are not really interested in a true relationship. How many of you have experienced dating a man/woman long term who has visitation maybe every other Saturday, and suddenly, when the wedding ring goes on, they want the skids to come over more frequently, spend a month in the summer, etc? I think this is what causes a lot of SM's and SD's to become disillusioned. They made their plans for marrying someone thinking there schedule would be one way, and before the ink is dry on the marriage license, its a whole 'nother story!

Comments

Asher10's picture

Submitted by Asher10 on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 8:19am

I definitely see that happening a lot.It happened to me at first then I got angry at myself because I felt I should have told myself Hey he has a kid so there's ALWAYS a possibility that she could be here more often or you'll even be expected to babysit her or you may even get full custody if something happens to her mother.WHY didn't I think of these things prior to marrying him??I still don't know why and I'm still angry at myself for being not thinking of all possible angles in the situation.

neveragain's picture

Submitted by neveragain on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 10:05am

I think that a lot more communication would help, and if the bio parent would stand up for you. I would have spelled out that I'm not a babysitter (I thought that was a no brainer) and that I was agreeing to the relationship/visitation as it stands. That just because BM decides that 13 year olds aren't as warm and fuzzy as 3 year olds, doesn't mean that we are going to take the problem off her hands. I didn't, but it was a battle, for years. It was not worth it.

neveragain's picture

Submitted by neveragain on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 10:27am

I guess I would caution anyone getting involved with kids to clearly state what your boundaries are and what your deal breakers are. Unfortunately, it's hard to caution people about this, because by the time they end up on sites like this, its too late to easily disengage.
I think that sometimes, we're so afraid that we're going to lose the relationship if we speak up from the beginning, that we don't realize that if it isn't a good fit, then it's best to let it go sooner than later.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 11:12am

I think though, the problem sometimes is that we may change our mind about taking the skid full time once we get to know how crappy their behavior is-and that's likely to happen as the relationship progresses and you are already very attached to your partner/SO.

So what may have NOT been a total deal breaker then may be now. I'm there...before I considered it a possibility and wasnt totally against it...now I am because I'm protecting my kids well being and I know and have seen how it works EOW enough to know full time would never work.

neveragain's picture

Submitted by neveragain on Wed, 05/04/2011 - 1:40pm

Let me explain why I feel this way. I am now divorced from my DH, so I'm now an exSM. But I can look back at the miscommunications that happened along the way. If I can prevent other people from experiencing my heartbreak, I would love to be able to do that.

When we were dating, he would have his son on the weekend night or nights and I had the choice of being there or not. When we lived together, we still had his son either one or two nights on the weekend, but I still had the choice of going out with my friends if I wanted to; no problem. Then we got married and he wanted us to do things all together, and for his son to spend more time with us. This was not discussed. I thought things would be the same as when we were living together. But we would still go on vacations just the two of us, and only sometimes include SS. Then I had our son, and it was like my husband really thought I was somehow stuck with him, and suddenly he wasn't even checking with me before having additional days, or his EW would just assume that now that I had a child to take care of what was the big deal of one more being around? Except there was a 12 year age difference, so those two boys had very different needs and schedules. I was not happy. That lack of respect for my feelings and input, because it was just a foreshadowing of how he would treat me regarding other important matters, eventually led to our divorce.
Think long and hard; don't just go with the flow; put your foot down. It's hard to undo what you've done, as someone has posted elsewhere. Once you agree to more visitation, full custody, whatever, it's hard to go back. Obviously, the BM and BD are at liberty to change their minds, but us Step Moms and Dads have to just go along with their choices. Never again!