Terms
I don't understand why people get so literal about terms on here. I refer to my family on here the way that I refer to them in real life. I haven't adopted my SD, but I still call her my daughter in real life, in front of her, and she is fine with it. I don't see why people get so rude about it.
The way that people react to me not using the "technically correct" terms has made it so I make sure to not come here if I'm stressed, or mad, or upset because the things people say...
Is it because it could get confusing if I were to have a child of my own? And people want to drill it into your head to be correct as soon as possible?
Anyway, in summary, I have called my SD my daughter on here a few times (like I do in real life) and people have been so rude about it. I think it is unnecessary and hurtful
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I look at it this way - the
I look at it this way - the only kids who are mine are the ones I birthed or adopted. I have no desire to claim ownership of another woman's kids.
It's not rude, it's factual.
Do you call his mother "your
Do you call his mother "your Mom"? Why not? Isn't that the same?
I think one of the reasons
I think one of the reasons why calling your "stepdaughter" your daughter is that it has connotations that can cause problems.
1. I would hazard a guess that the majority of BM's wouldn't be overjoyed with another woman claiming THEIR child as their daughter or son.
2. It implies that if you are referring to your stepdaughter as "your daughter" that you feel that you have more rights and interest in her life.. on equal footing with a biological parent. THAT is a problem and can cause friction. I have 2 SD's. I care for both of them and I did have input over how things happened in my home. However, I didn't have the same equal footing as their parent. Ultimately, the two bio parents are the ones with that power... I can have input on things that impact me... and that might extend to rules or boundaries for a stepchild.. and I can give my husband advice on how to deal with his daughters too.. in their best interest.. but ultimately they are NOT my daughters.. they have two bio parents.
I think that the most blowback is from the second point above. A step-parent is not on equal footing with the child and to take that position is likely overstepping.
It's great that you and your stepdaughter have a good relationship.. I have a great one with my youngest SD especially.. but I am not making it into a relationship which it is not.. I am not her bio mother.
Well, to be fair, even though
Well, to be fair, even though they are not yet even married, she already wants to take "her daughter" away from the one woman who can REALLY call her "my daughter" and adopt her. So in her mind, she's addressed #2.
Really? ugh..
Really? ugh..
Yeah.. I think that OP needs to understand that while this is a step-parent site that many on here are ALSO biological mothers and that every last one of them would have an absolute problem if their Exes new GF/Wife started to refer to their bio child as her daughter.
I think that honestly from reading that post that she and her BF are really setting that kid up for confusions. I mean, the BM apparently already may be dealing with some mental issues of her own. (of course we don't see all sides of this though). But, suffering from a mental illness does not give someone the right to take your place as a child's mother unless there is an extreme situation where the child could be damaged/harmed.
Oh.. and I just about spit out my water. when she stated she didn't want the girl to go to moms because mom was moving and might put the girl to work. Dang.. both my SD's helped us with whatever project at hand when they were with us. Up to including stacking rocks, putting up fencing.. mixing concrete.. lol. Heaven forbid the girl actually be expected to do something helpful? Asking a kid to do a chore or help pack a box is not abusive.
I understand that BM's would
I understand that BM's would be upset by it, but don't you think that they would also be glad that woman married their child's father, the woman that is living with their child has such a love and interest in their child? I think that after the BM thought about it she would be glad that I don't see her as just something my husband brought with him or any different from the children he and I will have together.
No. Most would feel like the
No. Most would feel like the stepmother is overstepping her role. Yes, they want a stepmother that cares about their child and treats them well, but not one who calls the kid "my daughter".
And especially not one that is talking about adopting the child before she's even married to the father.
My exH's now ex-wife WAS
My exH's now ex-wife WAS claiming my bios as her kids all over social media. IT DROVE ME NUTS! They are not her children and never were. Now, in referring to my SD and bios in a general conversation I WILL say our kids, but never my kids. If I need to be more clear to the other party, I make it very clear the girl is my SD, not my daughter.
Meh...I am the mother in my
Meh...I am the mother in my home. Step or not... the home is mine, that I share with my husband... he is the father in this home...
ALL 4 kids treat us both like the authoritarian parental figures we are. In our home, semantics don't matter. All 4 kids know who the bio parents are, doesn't matter.... anyone else handed responsibility is given the authority to deal with issues as appropriate... I'm no different, and neither is dh. We both call the kids out on their crap. This is OUR home, it's OUR rules... and if they don't like it...they don't get to use the privileges or benefits OUR involvement provides.
If I'm expected to act as a parent, then I expect the authority to do so...and if I am to provide for a child that is not mine, I expect to have a say in how my time and resources are to be used.
Period.
You can have all of that
You can have all of that without calling yourself a stepkid's parent. Respecting your authority in the home is not the same thing as you calling yourself their "mother".
I meant it like "lady of the
I meant it like "lady of the house/man of the house"....same way I'd say OUR kids versus "my kids and his"
I don't call myself his mother, and I don't call him my son.. I just don't differentiate if I'm talking about our family unit as a whole.
Saying "our kids" is a bit
Saying "our kids" is a bit different if there are kids that are yours and his in the mix. Otherwise they really aren't "ours".. they are his kids.. or "the kids". But.. you still have the right to have the respect and authority over what happens in your home.. but ultimately, if you and your DH disagreed on HIS kids.. then it is his decision in the end.. though, I understand that you might not stay with someone that overrode your wishes in your home.
our terms are just "in this
our terms are just "in this home". I wouldn't be talking to someone saying "my son", because he is not. I wouldn't even say "our son".
Kind of reminds me of teenage girl babysitters that pretend the toddler they're watching is theirs and say things like... "mommy wants you to put your hat on"... um...fired? Lol
I agree with you that claiming parental title is not ok... I only claim it in the head of household fashion. I just don't care if someone else does... though I agree that's where a lot of issues come into play
Right - she is saying, "our
Right - she is saying, "our daughter" and "my daughter" when she isn't married to the father even. With a healthy blended family, when each has their own children, of course both adults are in positions of authority and those are "our kids". That's very different than someone who is only dating the father (even if they are engaged), calling his daughter "my daughter".
I don't get why people insist on it. What's so bad about stepdaughter? You call your husband's brother your "brother-in-law", and it still implies a family relationship, as does "stepchild".
Because she isn't your
Because she isn't your daughter. I doubt BM would be happy that you are claiming her child as your own.
You can love this child all you want but you can't sit there and try to erase her biological parent. Because no matter what, that will backfire on you. No matter what your SD will always love and feel more strongly about her Mom than you.
It's not mean. It's just a fact.
I feel until you have legal guardianship of the child
where you make decisions for them and have the right to by law, unless you are able to dicsipline them without question (i don’t mean spanking) but enforcement of rules and consequences etc, then i do not refer to skids as my kids.
believe me i have told hubby I don’t love any of the 3 skids, how can you? They’re pathetic disrespectful lazy arse leeches... i am not responsible for them financially or physically, they have 2 parents who are tasked with doing this.
it really angered me last week when hubby referred me as his daughters mummy and they love me etc and i’m like really, is that why they’ve been mia 10 months and counting and never bothered about us or our kids... hmmm yup i’m their mummy
I would edit to add that on
I would edit to add that on top of
1. alienating the BM further which leads to unnecessary conflict
2. confusing the Skid and putting them in the middle or encouraging them to lie to a parent
3.The amount of fallout OP will likely experience on her own when the child turns her back.... or when daddy decides he wants a different "mommy" is going to be way harsher than a few ladies on an internet site reminding her that she is NOT that child's mother.
Can we let this die already?
Can we let this die already? Nobody is going to change eachothers minds. The OP can call her whatever she wants, it's her decision and it's really non of this boards business. And to the OP- why do you have make so many differeing topics with the same bear poking issue? Just let it go. You are free to call her as you please-it won't make an iota of different to internet strangers in reality.