This is probably going to be long, because I have a tendency to babble.

Just to start, I don't (and won't) have kids of my own. I've never spent any time around small children, and to be honest, they make me uncomfortable. So my ideas may be totally crackpot ones - that's what I'm trusting ya'll to tell me.

I was thinking about BM and SD14 - the friction between them is starting to escalate - and wondering what happened. So what do you think about this theory?

There are (at least) three main stages of a child-parent relationship. The first is total dependence. The parent is the final authority on everything. The child is dependent upon the parent to make decisions and has a tendency to take the parent's word as absolute truth.

The second stage is "spreading their wings" and starts in the teen years. The child should be encouraged to take responsibility for more and more, while the parent encourages ever-growing independence of thought and action. The parent should allow the teen to make (small) mistakes and live with consequences.

The third stage is adulthood and a relationship that, if not 100% equal, is pretty close. The parent offers advice that may well be ignored, the child takes responsibility for his/her actions. There is no enabling of poor decision-making. Help offered is not free of strings.

If this is true, (or close to it) I think I get why SD is so unhappy at BM's, and why I'm taking SD14's teenagerhood better than the BPs. BM is used to being the absolute authority, and misses the childish adoration of previous years. She doesn't want to be questioned by a snot-nosed teenager, (whose bottom she wiped) and doesn't have the time to work it out.

Meanwhile, while I don't have experience with children, per se, I deal with a lot of directionless young adults straight out of high school in my job in the military. I have been trained to mentor and shape proto-adults into confident and capable adults. I enjoy the mentorship. SD14 was 10 when I met DH, and I never dealt with the scraped knees and diapers and night terrors. She was bigger than me (same height and heavier) by the time she was 11, which is another reason I had an issue with her tween "immaturity" - she was physically an adult and I had trouble seeing the child inside. So now that she has grown in maturity, it's easier. When she emails me about the two boys she likes, I'm more likely to laugh (remembering myself at 14) and ask her opinions to encourage her to work it out for herself, with advice thrown in. I want to get SD14 a checking account. She receives $30/week in allowance that includes payment for being her little (6YO) brother's after-school care - BM actually encourages her to blow it all by paying her in iTunes gift cards. I think she should be learning about money and savings, but that's just me, the NCP non-mom sees-her-6-weeks-a-year know-it-all.

I think maybe the issues a lot of parents have is an unwillingness on one side or the other to move on between the relationship stages. BM wants to keep her baby a baby, the child finds it easier to be taken care of. I'm not saying that the process is easy or painless, either. I abused my parents generosity and made my mother's life hell as a teenager and twenty-something. SD14 is actually a much better kid than I was.

Am I totally out of whack? Have you seen these stages with your own skids and bios? Do you have any to add?