After a nice long talk with my nail tech today who I get along with really well and just happens to share the same birthday as BM, I did some "soul-searching."

(And THIS is why I like blogs. Some place to jot this down but not a word document because Microsoft Word doesn't give you any input in return.)

I asked myself about goals and ambition. I used to have them but I have lost focus in the past 6 months and become somewhat obsessed with BM and the negativity surrounding the divorce between DH and BM.

Self, why this change?
I have become more comfortable with my family, not deployed so I am softer inside, allowing feelings and no walls. I now appreciate the value of family - they are the ones you grow old with, the ones who make you stay in the military even though you question it every single day, the ones who make you keep your mouth shut when a moron gives you an order because if you didn't have them you would probably be in jail by now, the ones you work hard to feed, the ones who make you giggle at least once a day, the ones who will inherit this earth long after you pass away. Why couldn't I see this before? Consequently, now that I see the true value of family, it is worth keeping and protecting and I see BM as a threat to this.

Self, why are you afraid? People come and go. This is life. Families can be lost and gained ...
I know this but I also know that it takes work to form strong bonds. And while I CAN MOVE on, those two little boys would be devastated and so would their father, my best friend, the man I can see riding the motorcycle while I sit in the sidecar with the dog in my lap as we ride down the highway to see grandkids. I simply don't want to waste effort. I am getting too old for that. As cliche as it is, "time is money" and I mean that as time is an investment much like money is an investment into stocks.

Self, what do you need to do to get back to where your mind was?
I have to stop being so angry and learn to FORGIVE. I have to forgive not only BM for what she has done to SS9 but also for the other pain in my life. Maybe I hate her because I can direct hate at her easier than at my own father and stepmother? My father pushed me to the side for my stepsister and her family because I don't have children of my own. My stepmother is not a SM like me and never will be. She doesn't want to be and you have your own mother to worry about. She is simply a woman who father married, but who also makes him HAPPY. So just let it all go. Father will be father. You can't change a 65 year old man who has made loads of mistakes in his life. He will die of a broken heart and then you will have THAT on your mind to obsess about.

Self, get back to BM. What can you actively do to forgive BM?
I have to accept that she was young and made mistakes. I might be living with SS9 and all his behavioral problems and yes, she wants to try to make up for all her mistakes, but in time - as she has demonstrated some intelligence - she will learn that she can't fix the past, much like you have had to learn. Perhaps she will understand that SS9 was born the way he was and at least he is moderately healthy. But what will it take for her to learn? .... It doesn't matter. That is for HER to figure out. YOU can't make her. YOU can only raise SS9 and SS11 to be positive contributors to society and hope they turn out to NOT be little serial killers and in fact, become the sweet gentlemen you know they will be.

Self, at the end of it all, what is the idea or concept you think is possible to attain?
To have a civil, respectful relationship with BM full of acceptance and maturity. To see the children at high school graduation and feel pride not petty selfishness. To retire with DH by my side wearing ugly shirts and running marathons together, laughing in amazement that we finished the marathons and life's journey together.

Now I just have to figure out how to do all this.