My biological children's SM is my sister...
I'm new to this site and have read some of the blogs here and all I can say is I am SO happy that I have hopefully found somewhere I can vent and maybe even start to work through some of the issues that I am constantly trying to deal with. I have to try to deal with my BC coming to me and telling me all the horrible things that their SM (my own sister) says about me to them. It also irritates me that my EH leaves all the decision making up to her. She runs around calling children that are mine, HERS. Our own mother is on HER side and so I have nobody to talk to except for my new husband and he's sympathetic but doesn't know what to do either. I have a lot to talk about just not sure how to word it without having to write a book.... I don't know where to begin, what to talk about that happened in between... even now is pretty complicated...
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Well, that's an attention
Well, that's an attention grabbing title! The best place to start would probably be how it came to be that your sister became your ex-husband's wife... and why and how your mother is on her side and not yours.
Whew - girl.. you have it rough!
When my husband and I decided
When my husband and I decided to spit my sister was living with us. He and I had only been separated for two weeks when she came home one day after being out all night and she had hickeys ALL the way around her neck. She didn't tell me who they were from at the time but it was my husband. When I found out I started seeing a man that I had gone to Jr. high with that ended up being an alcoholic and abusive. I was controlled by him for 4 years and allowed my kids to go live with their dad which resulted in the situation I'm in now. I still beat myself up for allowing myself to be manipulated for so long... when it comes to my mother, she has never loved me. She gave me to my grandparents when I was born and never looked back. I was a product of rape and she likes to throw it in my face that I was a mistake and that she tried to abort me but my grandmother wouldn't allow it.
Thank you and I feel the same
Thank you and I feel the same way. I would NEVER had gone for even one of her ex-boyfriends. Neither one of them are ashamed or humiliated. They run around telling everybody that I was the one who was cheating on him although I wasn't but mostly what happens is that people here will talk to both of us and then talk about it behind our backs. I pretty much stay to myself right now until my husband and I move... which we plan to do soon.
Just think she got your
Just think she got your sloppy seconds....she isn't any better then he is..you hold your head high and you do what is right for you and your kids!
I'm married also. Not to
I'm married also. Not to mention I was with him since I was 14. The difference is that I don't go around telling everybody how my now 14 year old daughter found them together dancing and kissing in my living room while he and I were still together and she was living with us. I COULD but what's the point?
Wow, that was harsh. Have YOU
Wow, that was harsh. Have YOU ever been in an abusive relationship? Because if you haven't there is NO way you can have ANY idea what it's like. I COULD have taken the children into that relationship being beaten and called names and let them watch that because my ex was not even fighting for them. In fact I get the feeling that he actually RESENTS me for trusting him with the well being of our children. He is NOT making ANY of the decisions for our children and although I am paying my child support he doesn't even consult with me on ANYTHING because my own sister is scared that if he and talk about the kids he and I will get back together. I honestly have to say that EVERY time I have even TRIED to turn to anybody for just SOMEONE to talk to I confront people like you that make me feel even worse than I felt before. So what's the point? So I'm not a perfect person and I have made some mistakes but you know what? When my sister was dating a crackhead that refused to leave her apartment and would beat on her who do you think was there for HER??? That would be how she was able to come into MY home and seduce my own husband. But I bet you're perfect huh? Ever made a mistake?
Thank you. This kind of
Thank you. This kind of comment I can handle. It is actually helpful to me instead of making an accusation and then that's it... end of story.
I've been out of that relationship for over a year now and I am remarried to the most wonderful and amazing man. See, I honestly don't have a problem with sharing my children. They're wonderful children and I know that it doesn't matter who my ex would have ended up with, we would all have to share my kids and I'm okay with that. BUT I don't like that my children are actually being told that I'm a bad mom. I don't ever trash talk my ex to our children and because of that they look at HIM just as I feel they should. Like he's a good dad. I'm not allowed to call my children while they are home. THAT upsets me. And it's not like my EH and my sister have never made BIG mistakes with my children. They were allowing my 16 year old daughter to have her boyfriend live with her and she ended up pregnant and dropped out of school. I honestly tried to do something about that but I wasn't allowed. In the end it turned out okay but it saddened me that she went through the same thing I did at her age... I know she could have gotten pregnant somewhere else I just didn't like the message it sent to the rest of our kids. Now our 16 year old son got caught with marijuana and got arrested and I'm receiving notice after notice in the mail that he's acting out in school and my EH gave him a car? I thought to myself, SERIOUSLY??? But I have no control. I feel like they aren't taking care of it and they aren't allowing me to either.
I understand that my sister was there for them when I wasn't. I had my sister's son for a year when she was addicted to meth... it was a few years before my EH and I separated and I never once questioned once she was off the drugs and she came and got him and I NEVER had him call me mom. In fact I had him during Mother's Day and he made me a card and I had him give it to her. I'm not trying to look like a saint or say that I haven't made my fair share of mistakes along the way... I'm HERE to admit them and try to figure out a way to make things better if for no other reason than to try to make sure that my kids have a decent upbringing and all that they need.
I'm going to take your advice and try to talk to my sister without fighting and laying blame. Honestly I don't even care that she's married to my EH anymore. Now it's only about my precious babies... Thank you.
I thought the same thing when
I thought the same thing when I read the post you're responding to. I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
Good luck...
L
Wow, why are you so touchy?
Wow, why are you so touchy? All I saw was OP saying the kids were with their father, and you calling that abandonment. I didn't even bother to reply to your original post. And now when I comment I'm glad she stood up for herself you jump all over me?
Just so you know, I was custodial for six years with an AWOL BM, and never for one minute did I forget that for better or for worse, BM was SS's mother and I was not. Just like OP is those kids' mother, and the sister is not.
This is a site for stepparents. Most of us can deal with the reality that we are not and never will be the bio parent. No matter how much work we put in, we can't presume to take the place of the bio parent, and I wouldn't defend anyone for trying to do it, sister or not.
L
Accidental or not, you
Accidental or not, you addressed your comment to me so I replied. And your post did not communicate an apology. Rather, it was sarcastic in tone and communicated in summary "well I'm sorry - but I'm right and you should admit it and everyone here should have backed me up."
If you were on the receiving end of an "apology" with that tone and content, you would see right away what the issue is with it.
You were accusatory with OP in your original post and you were sarcastic in your reply to me - accidental or not.
People may be more receptive to your point of view if you consider your tone.
The "jeez" in your last reply is a perfect example. I would have let the issue go had you not been condescending and sarcastic towards me again.
L
Are you capable of responding
Are you capable of responding without sarcasm? First it was the not-an-apology, then "jeez", and now "OMG." It's sad that you can't communicate without taking shots at people.
L
Omigosh! That is crazy! I'm
Omigosh! That is crazy! I'm so sorry you are in this position, I cannot imagine how hard this would be. My sisters are my best friends and we are extremely tight and I can't imagine one of them betraying me like that. I did once date a guy that had briefly dated my sister, but we were all friends before and my sister gave me the okay (in fact, she is the one who set us up!). It was actually too weird for me and even though the guy and my sister hadn't done anything more than kiss, I still had a hard time with it and pretty quickly went back to being buddies with the guy. I then set him up with a friend of mine and they are getting married!
I always thought that it is an unspoken (or spoken!) rule that sisters and friends boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, crushes, and husbands are totally off limits. I can understand that some situations are unique and exceptions can be made, but not unless all parties involved are on board and completely okay with it. My BFF got married right before I met her and I was single and casually dating at the time and we both got a crush on a guy friend of ours. We were really giggly and laughed about "our crush" even though she was married and completely in love with her husband. The guy was drop dead gorgeous and loved to go dancing (country swing and swing) and finally asked me to go dancing with him. I couldn't tell if it was a date until he kissed me on my doorstep at the end of the night! I immediately called my girl and told her what happened and made sure she was comfortable with me dating him. She was kind of bummed, but since she's married, it was a moot point anyway. I didn't want to make her feel jealous or betrayed and she is way more important to me than any guy, so if she had said she was uncomfortable I would have dropped him in a heartbeat. I wound up dating him for about a year and often went on double dates with my friend and her husband. Now that we are both blissfully happily married, there is no risk of awkwardness and I finally get to give up my third wheel tiara and we hang out and double date a lot and have a blast.
Those are the only two scenarios in my life that are at all similar to yours and I can't even imagine how stressful this must be! It's totally bizarre that she has basically taken over your role and is trying to replace you as your kids mom, when she is already their auntie? That seems really weird and creepy to me! I think it's really inappropriate and this is definitely going to cause emotional problems with your kids unless you are able to protect them from this crazy lady! What is your relationship with your sister like in general? Were you close before all this happened? This is definitely one of the most jaw-dropping posts I have read!
I live next door to my closest sister and my nephew and I can't imagine her hurting me like that or vice versa! I love my nephew more than anything in the Universe, but I would never want to be his mom (weird!!!) and am more than happy to be a devoted auntie and to spoil him silly.
My sister had a will drawn up that gives me full custody of my nephew if anything were to happen to her (God forbid! My worst nightmare). I will always be there for them and I would be more than happy to raise my nephew, although I want my sister alive and happy!
Anyway, I'm really sorry you are going through this! No mom deserves this kind of bad treatment and I don't know how you can stand it? The worst part is the impact on your kids and your relationship with them. It sounds like a Single White Female type of situation and I wouldn't be surprised if she has deep jealousies and insecurities from the past and that she is trying to take over your life and become like you and have what you had. I could be way off base, but it sounds pretty shady to me.
Since your ex made the bad and creepy choice to be with the sister of his ex and the auntie of his children, he is responsible for his own choices and actions, as is your sister. It's not your fault that this situation came about and it's not your children's faults either. You guys are just in a bad situation and I really hope that things improve for you!
This is not constructive at
This is not constructive at all but the first thing that I thought when i read the title was "I would kick my sisters ass". God thats rough.
Sorry for all you have been
Sorry for all you have been through! I would suggest for starters: put more blame on X-DH vs. your sister. He could have "resisted" her but didn't. IMO guys get off way too easy for cheating. And kudos to your grandparents for raising you. My grandparents raised my SS & SB and I was/am jealous. They were fine folks & lived on the beach! Vs. my life with a Dad who was a major jerk & didn't want them living w/us and a mom who was "passive". They were the lucky ones IMO.
N8tiveButt3rfly...I don't
N8tiveButt3rfly...I don't have children of my own. I am a SM only. I have been in 2 abusive relationships. I understand the manipulation & I absolutely understand how it can happen the way it did in your situation, where you left your children in your husband's care. Mistake...yes, however, it runs with the mentality of an abuse victim. As any woman who stays in an abusive relationship, self-worth is pretty much non-existent, & somehow, we're made to believe we don't deserve any better. As a mother, you KNOW your children deserve better. Given that, it makes sense that that's what you intended for them to have in leaving them in a safe environment, with their father.
Despite the opinions of your ex or your sister, YOU are the mother of your children. Despite the opinions of your ex or your sister, your children need you. They need a relationship with you, & they need an opportunity to feel your love.
Do you have a court order for visitation? If not, you owe it to your kids to get one. If you do & your ex is not complying, you need to take him to court for contempt.