Not sure how to respond to DH email
So SS 16 yells at me for "not trusting him" at the breakfast table because I told him he needs to learn to be more responsible with his school forms/ paperwork instead of waiting for DH and I (mostly me) to fill everything out for him and remind him to turn in the forms all the time. He is always forgetting things and he yelled at me, so I lost my temper and yelled back (Aunt flo visiting didn't help) and DH taking SS side left me in tears. He writes me this after he's left or work:
"1) I will sit down with SS tonight and demonstrate/explain how he should use his iPod Touch as a personal organizer - much in the same way as I use my Blackberry for work responsibilities. Yes, we have mentioned it before but it is OK to refresh expectations.
2) As the parent and the adult in the situation, you are the one who dictates the tone, the messaging, and what is and is not acceptable. This can only be done with a calm demeanor. Remember, anger and frustration feed misbehavior. Besides, it adds tension and strain to the relationship. At the end of the day, a relationship with a child (even a stepchild) should be based on love, respect, and their best interest in mind. In my opinion, love and caring are the most important. When it seems they are at odds with the world, a child (especially a young adult) needs to know they are accepted and loved at home.
3) You are doing a great job. Parenting is not easy and raising a pair of teenagers (for all intents and purposes) is the most challenging of all. I know you care about SS and the advice you give him is for his own good. The only change to consider are the means in which it is delivered - to preserve what is most important. As I've said a hundred times, raising a child is the hardest (but most rewarding) job in the world. We will make mistakes and we will be learning how to do it for the rest of our lives. If they know they are truly loved, our kids will accept our imperfections just as we will accept theirs. That is what a family is all about.
Have a good day."
1. Um, SS yelled at me first.
2. SS doesn't show love or respect toward me, why should I do it?
3. I don't want skids to accept my imperfections, I just want respect.
Sometimes I feel DH is delusional...but maybe I am the delusional one since I keep hoping that things will change and get better.
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Comments
If you had not said your DH
If you had not said your DH wrote that to you, I would've thought you were being reprimanded by your therapist.
What will happen when SS16's
What will happen when SS16's paperwork and forms are not turned in on time?? Perhaps its time to let them find out.
My reply: DH: 1)(ss16 name)
:?
My reply:
DH:
1)(ss16 name) is of age to be driving a vehicle. A multi-thousand-pound killing machine if he does not may attention to MANY different details, pay attention to what he is doing and remember the RULES of the road and what HIS responsibilities are: Instead of sitting down and baby talking him and holding his hand through (what is sure to be) another failed attempt at getting him to be responsibile for himself- Try giving him a consequence for his actions. Advise him he will NOT be driving any vehicle in the house until he has consistantly shown for 6 months that he IS responsibile enough and has enough self control (no yelling) to handle the responsibility.
2) I am NOT the parent in this situation. I am the step parent. You sir are the parent and you get the honor, privelege and sometimes the utter humilation and embarrassment of raising children. How DARE you allow your child to speak to an adult in the manner he spoke to me this morning. Not just ANY adult, but your WIFE.
Which brings us to #3.
When YOUR children act the ass, correct them. If you do not, I will!
And if you leave it for me to do, you can suck up any criticisms you have. For the biggest failure in the situation was YOURS for FAILING to effectively PARENT your CHILD.
*standing ovation* "When
*standing ovation*
"When YOUR children act the ass, correct them. If you do not, I will!
And if you leave it for me to do, you can suck up any criticisms you have. For the biggest failure in the situation was YOURS for FAILING to effectively PARENT your CHILD."
"May be hard pressed to find
"May be hard pressed to find them." <----- I love this!
Thanks honey for your wisdom
Thanks honey for your wisdom on this, but this is not my kid and therefore not my problem...It is up to you now to teach him these things since you do not like my approach and chose not to back my play.
Seriously I would be going off....
EFF THAT. i'd tell him to
EFF THAT. i'd tell him to take that condescending email and shove it up his ass.
i wouldnt say much of anything to him until he can talk to you appropriately, as a husband and partner.
i'd also address ss directly, he's old enough for that. "SS, first off, that was crappy and uncalled for this morning. you are NOT to yell at me, ever, under any circumstance, there is no justifcation at all ever. second of all, it's not about trust, it's about responsibility. since you have such a poor attitude with me trying to help you be more responsible, nevermind about it. do whatever you want about it, i'm 'out' in that regard." then walk away and go take a bubble bath.
For sure I'd be done with the
For sure I'd be done with the form filling out business for a 16 year old kid. Form not turned in? Ok, bring on natural consequences. Can't go on the field trip? Ah, too bad. Can't play sports, or be in the band, or whatever it is? Darn, it's too bad you forgot about that form, sonny.
The one thing the kid doesn't need is a lesson on how to use an Ipod Touch. That's ridiculous. He doesn't need SKILLS training, he needs LIFE training. That means responsibility and respect. That requires actual parenting. Your DH is clueless.
There is no way in hell I'd be calm if a 16 year old yelled at me. And your DH is lecturing YOU about behavior? Oh hell no. That is seriously messed up. He's parenting YOU more than he is his kid.
While the ladies above have
While the ladies above have an excellent level headed approach - there is no way i could pull it off. My response would be:
1. I am your wife. I am not his mother. This child is YOURS not MINE. Since you don't like my approach - you can do without it. It is now completely your problem. I won't worry about his papers that need to be handed in, or anything else that had to do with SS. Not my monkey, not my circus.
2.You aren't my daddy. You do not get to correct me. I find your tone condescending and patronizing.
3. Your child disrespected your wife & you allowed it by not immediately correcting him. You further told him it was okay by taking his side.
4. You are lacking in your role as a husband and a partner. Shape up or ship out.
Now that was very
Now that was very condescending. I would be D.O.N.E with all things related to organizing SS. He is a big boy, he can do it himself and suffer the natural consequences if he doesn't....and DH can pick up the pieces.
Please do exactly what
Please do exactly what Simifan says in her response.
the messaging, and what is
the messaging, and what is and is not acceptable. This can only be done with a calm demeanor. Remember, anger and frustration feed misbehavior.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And this is so stupid! Who does not lose their cool with a teenager?!
If my husband sent me that
If my husband sent me that foolishness, I would not respond. If he asked me about it, I would very genuinely say, "You were serious?? How funny! I thought it was an April Fool's Day prank! Bahaha! " and continue about my day.
Thank you, I feel so
Thank you, I feel so vindicated just reading some of your comments. DH has been very condescending to me lately. He especially likes telling me how not every teenager could be as "perfect as me" because I get appalled at the lack of responsibility in this kid, not to mention the lies and excuses he makes all the time for himself.
"DH, seeing as how your
"DH, seeing as how your parenting style has led to a disrespectful man-child who thinks he can yell at an ADULT, I decline to take that advice you so condescendingly gave me. Seeing as how you are not a parent enough to know that you always show a united front to children (with your WIFE by your side), maybe you need to reflect upon how a proper husband acts when his child disrespects his wife...or ANY adult for that matter!"