Venting here is really really good. Vent as much or as often as you need to. Sometimes it really does help. Weve all pretty much been there done that and have the tshirts, etc.

I have a name for my BM - Toxic Troll. That helps me a little bit. Shes the same age as myself - Ill bet that she plays the "im more mature than your new wife" card a lot...lol. 

Does BM hate you and poison the children against you? Thats a huge one.

And does BM also ask your DH for a great things/favors "for the children"? I hate hate hate that too. It sucks. BUT it gets better as they get older and more independant, and can think for themselves and do for themselves. 

I think start here, read posts, and vent and then seek a therapist to help as well. It really does help to have other understanding shoulders to lean on.

I have been where you are! I was always thankful for the fact that BM isn't local- I don't know what I would do if she was. However, every email, every text, every mention of her from DH- trying to plan SS's visits, the constant court dates... I was emotionally spiraling. 

I did get on an anti-anxiety. It has helped a lot. I hope you are able to find a doctor soon, and don't be worried about it if they suggest a rx. It has been a life-saver to me. 

Disengagement helps some, but I am not the type of person who can totally disengage. I am too much of a control freak and organizer. That is my problem, and I realize that I can't change that because it makes me even more anxious trying to back away from it all. You just have to find where you are comfortable.

Also- your feelings been accepted and validated by your spouse is a HUGE thing. I wish that these men all realized the sacrifices we make to try and blend a family all why they are worried about upsetting BM. She is the ex, we as the actual partners should be the ones that they are trying to help keep happy. 

I hated our BM, too.  I've never had such negative emotions about another person in my life.  Counseling was a godsend to me.  How I wish I'd had Steptalk back in the day.  It would have let me vent and helped me understand the step dynamics.

I'm trying to remember when all my negative emotions leveled out (I'm 76).   I think when all the 3 SKs moved in, there was less contact.  Also around that time, I went back to work, first part-time, thenn full time and also started night school.  I think I was too busy to think about her plus there was less need for contact.

She probably felt the same, preferring little or no contact with me.  DH continued to get calls from her, even once the kids launched.  She'd call to whine about one of them and probably hoped he would magically solve her problems like he had often done.  Whatever.  Sometimes, he told me about the calls, sometimes not.  Our communication about her, also known as me complaining, dropped to almost nothing.

I knew the day I was over it.  The grandson was in the hospital and she was there one day when we visited.   She needed a ride home and DH offered.  My DH is a witty person, he's very funny.  Anyway, as she approached the car, he locked the door, it was a joke.  The look on her face was pure hate.  I realized she couldnt stand him, contrary to my fantasy that she wanted him back.   It really helped me to see that.

BM died a few years ago.  She had mellowed into a good grandma, if still volatile.   Now I feel a pity for her, she'd been an abandoned child who was raised by other family members.  She didn't have much education.  She came to a major city from a poor rural area and made a life.   She loved her kids, even if I didnt agree with her parenting.  Her kids and grandkids grieved her.  In the later years, I think she realized id been a benign influence.  We always maintained a polite and civil facade, that was the best I could do.  I now regret all the brainspace I gave her but I was like you, consumed by hate.  Good luck, it will slowly pass over time.

But these kids are not your family.  You have no control over them.  They have a BM , don't need a second mother. 
That is what you have to accept.  You are younger enough to be BM's kid. 
She is not going to respect you,  You can not make her do that.  She see you as a child living with her ex. 
 

You need to go for help to get to a good place. If possible.  Your DH must have your back.  He wants the happy family he did not have with BM.   But if BM was that nice of a person he would still be with her.  

I personally embrace the hatred and greatly lowered my expectations of what BM (and somewhat SSs) will become/how she will behave. I think having validation that how I feel isn't crazy (both from this group and friends) helped a lot. It's BS how some of these parents behave and the utter mess they create for their kids, and it's perfectly okay to be angry about it.

Being able to let myself FEEL that anger actually helped those intense feelings go away. It also helped me with lowering my expectations for BM, because I wasn't constantly ruminating on what she did or worrying about what she was going to do. I gave myself permission to feel the anger, I got it out (through venting here, aggressively exercising, doing some karaoke drives with loud, angry music), and then I told myself "and this is another thing that I have to just expect from BM going forward, so make a sticky note in the brain about it."

When is comes to the kids...I would roll with the relationship they want to have. Expect them to be respectful, but anything more is a gift. I would avoid having much of an emotional investment unless they actively seek a *healthy* relationship from you in the future. Before doing anything, or wondering if they are behaving appropriately, ask yourself "how would a teacher/babysitter handle this?" Then proceed accordingly.

Finally, marrying an older man does come with the possibility that they pass before you do. I don't have much advice, other than to make sure you are financially protected. Get wills sorted early, make sure you're on the deed to the house, etc. The more that is planned out now, the less fighting there will be in the future. Get is all done early, and get it done RIGHT. Use an attorney, update bi-annually (even if nothing changes, just so the kids can't claim it's inaccurate), and store somewhere that the kids can't access willy-nilly. I think this piece alone could bring you a lot of comfort.

It helps to remind yourself that people who behave miserably are living in a constant state of misery, regardless of what is happening.  Bathe in the schadenfreude.

It's actually quite common to feel this way when you are the thick of things, it can go on for years.  This board was a life-saver for me to get out all my hate/venting about BM.  I honestly don't think of her now, she's no longer an issue for the last year or two-but it was years of absolute MISERY.  

SD mentioned at lunch the other day, that BM wants us all to be friends now.  BM even told me that in a FB message after the gender reveal party.  I will/can be civil and courteous now, but I am sickened that SD being preggos means BM back more in our lives again.  So I plan to keep a safe/civil distance.  I will say hi/bye and chit-chat during events (shower, etc) but then I'd like to kind of keep things seperate for sure.  We won't be close or friends.  SD knows this, she also knows and even told me that BM doesn't remember or have a clue of all the things she did to us AND to SD- selective memory I guess.  She burned too many bridges. 

He prioritises considering his kids over you every single time then apologises to save face and likely shut you up only to repeatedly do it agains. He is more considerate of bio mum and his kids than his wife/partner every time because between you and bio mum, he doesn't wanna deal with the drama from her so he figured he knows you'll be pissed off but you'll come around.

See thats where you need to lose it and put those firm boundaries around and not budge unless its an emergency!! The guys will usually say "whats gotten into you? You were never like this!! Why you so hormonal" etc all because you stood up for yoursef firmly.

your man needs to get to a point where he fears pissing you off more than pissing off bio mum.