What to do when Bm wants Dh to parent on her time?
So lately whenever Ss has been getting in trouble at school Bm has been calling and having Dh scold Ss over the phone, Dh didn't mind and neither did I because we just wanted to try to nip his behavior issues at school in the bud. Anyway a few weeks ago Dh took everything from Ss because of his behavior and it seemed to work but then he started acting up again. Ss's school runs off a color chart for behavior, red is the worst color you can get and Ss hadn't gotten this before. Well Tuesday he got red and right away Bm texts Dh that he needs to call his son because he got red. So Dh did call and scolded him. Then come to find out the very next day Bm takes Ss to go see the new lego movie. Wtf? Dh didn't mind calling because he thought bm was on board with discipline but now it just seems like she's having Dh call so she doesn't have to deal with it and he's bugged because it just furthers his belief that Ss isn't behaving because there are no consequences at Bms. My question is, what should Dh do now? Ss has a binder that shows what color he got each day and the teacher keeps a log of how he's doing so Dh really doesn't need a play by play from Bm because it's all there when Dh gets him on Friday from the bus. I just don't really know what Dh should do. What do you guys think?
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Thanks for the advice. I was
Thanks for the advice. I was kind of thinking the same thing too. Dh picked up Ss yesterday because he doesn't have school today or tomorrow and since I'm on maternity leave I said I'd watch him so that's how Dh found out she took him to the movie as she had Dh meet her at the theater. Dh was upset and told her she shouldn't have taken Ss to see the movie because of his behavior and he said told him not to tell her how to parent so that irked him even more because it's like well then don't call and complain that Ss isn't doing well but then go out and reward the bad behavior.
I agree. There is a pattern
I agree. There is a pattern here too, whenever Ss leaves our house he does good on monday and his behavior will be not so great tues-thursday and then friday he's good again. I picked him up about 2 maybe 3 weeks ago and he asked if we could do some type of activity and I told him I wasn't sure because his daddy was upset with him because he had gotten in trouble for spitting at school on that past wednesday and Ss said something along the lines of that that was wednesday and that he was good today(that particular friday that i got him) so his daddy shouldn't be mad. He's a very smart kid and learning quick who he can play.
SD7's BM used to do this.
SD7's BM used to do this. However she also wanted us to always 'call her' if SD got 'out of hand'. Which never happened, at this time SD was 4, No 4 year old on this planet could get too 'out of hand' for me in my own home.
Idk I think it was some kinda weird way of making her feel like somehow we were all one big happy family & she was like the momma telling the kid "just WAIT until your dad gets home!"
DH stopped doing it. No explination. BM quit asking after awhile.
I could see bm having a weird
I could see bm having a weird attitude like that also of trying to have an attitude of just wait till your dad gets home. she's a creep like that.
DH needs to let BM deal with
DH needs to let BM deal with SS on her own during HER time!!
Have DH tell BM that until she starts disciplining SS herself on her time, then SS will continue to not behave on her time. DH should share that SS DOES behave during his time because he disciplines and SS knows that he won't be able to pull anything while with DH.
The others are correct that DH is being set up to be the "bad guy" but it is also about knowing which parent he can get away with the bad behavior with.
Good luck
This is not DHs
This is not DHs responsibility! BM needs to handle on her own time otherwise BM can call DH then SS gets scolded by DH. Then as soon as the phone hangs up...
BM: "Wow your dad is so mean! Well IIIIIII love you, so I'm taking you to the movies!!!" (This is how my BM is)
DH can't enforce any consequences or be 100% sure BM will follow through while SS is at BMs, so he shouldnt get involved.
Actually, the school should
Actually, the school should be contacting the father as well. It's not the other parent's job to pass the message. Just show them the court order for joint legal custody. For how prevelant separate households are these days-- its like the school system is living in the dark ages.
If it's serious the parents should be addressing their son together otherwise discipline personally.
My sd's BM can't discipline either and calls DH to do what she needs to do. She's a buddy parent and more concerned about Sd liking her and being her confidante than being a parent. And she wonders why sd doesn't respect her.
thanks, that's a great idea.
thanks, that's a great idea. Ss does love bowling so I will mention this to Dh. When Dh took all his things, like literally everything, down to hot chocolate on sunday mornings it seem to hit home but then the behavior slipped again once he got everything back. again, thank you.
Thank you everyone who
Thank you everyone who commented, I talked to Dh last night and he said he's going to stop doing this and will talk w/ Ss when he gets him on Fridays. We'll also be implementing a reward system to that if he's does good the whole month we'll do a fun activity. Again thank you, these ideas are great!