I AM GETTING MARRIED ON 10/30/10 AND I AM MISERABLE... :sick:
I am marrying the most wonderful man in the world, in a month and we are both sick. Just a little history...I was not looking for a relationship when this man entered my life. I was newly seperated and did everything I could not to have a new relationship. However, there was no way I was going to give him up. He helped me during the most difficult time of my life and I don't know what I would have done without him. He is wonderful with my kids and they love him. Here is the problem...
He and his ex divorced 5 years ago, she is remarried with 2 more kids. She is bipolar and his life with her was miserable. He lost his business due to her illness of trying to kill herself and had thoughts of killing the kids too. She spent time in a facility to help her, it may have stopped the suicidal thoughts but she just became miserable to be around.
She told him he would be living in a cardboard box when she is done with him. When they went for their mediation, she did not get what she wanted and felt bad about what she did to him. So they agreed to work with each other with the kids. Their relationship was good. He lent her 7ooo.00 for a deposit on her house,in return, she said he could give her half the child support, and then she remarried. Things were still good with all of them, and my df lived like he had nothing. He put everything he had into the kids. Now I come into the picture. She met me once and was very friendly, I was very excited. The next time I saw her she ignored me.I couldn't understand what I did. As time went by , I heard that she bashed me and my kids to the sk. The son looks scared of me and is a nervous rec. She went to numerous doctors because she diagnosed him with ADD. She finally found one that agreed and now he is on meds agaist the bf wishes. She posted something on facebook on a mutual friends page. The kids have come over upset with her behavior, she ignores them for days when they do something wrong.
Now we go on vacation with the kids, We come home to a letter from her lawyer. She wants to update the child support and rearrange visitation. She also wants to split braces (6000 for 20months)she want told by our lawyer to get second opinions. She did not. With our small enough wedding, we asked that she just wait to do the braces a month, she said no. Now he goes for coffee with her to see if they could work it out. Well, 3 hours later, he comes in devistated and crying, I couldnt imagine what happened, his ex hands him a photocopies letter his 12 year old daughter wrote for him. It explains that she wants to stay with her mom during the week because it is difficult going back and forth everyother day. She also said it would be best for her 10year old brother too. she also wants to know if me and my kids could go somewhere sometimes because she misses the times it was just the 3 of them. she clearly stated that they are her words and not the mothers.
So now I over react and yell at her and tell her she is 2 faced like the mom. Which makes things worse because now she does not want the kids near me. So in total desperation to make things right. DB tells her he ended it with me and I will no longer see the kids. Now she is his best friend. The next day, he tells her he still loves me, and she doesn't want to hear it. So the 2and 1/2 years I have been a great person to these kids, doesn't matter. Our child support went up 400 and now the braces are costing 150 and the lawyer expense. We are behind in our bills and don't know to dig out.
It very difficult to now see the daughter, who started this whole thing, smile with a mouth full of silver, and new clothes and everything is rosey with her again. But inside I feel like she and her mom just put us into a finacial and emotional hole.
Do I get married or not. How do I handle a situation where I watch him kiss her but in order not to have her go for back child support or ask for more money.
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If posts here are any
If posts here are any indication I would say not to marry this man. This is exactly where personal responsibility for your happiness comes into play. Right now. It's easier now then 5-10years down the road when more hurt and misery takes place and then you feel stuck.
Many here probably wish they were in your place right now to decide. It's been proven already that he will cater to the exwife's feelings and she is unstable. You are already suffering financially.
If it were me-I would put it off or break it off entirely.
If you put it off I would not re-set a date until you are sure that all these issues are behind you. Most importantly that your bf will stand up to the ex-wife and give you proper respect and demand it from his children as well. If it doesn't change-why sign yourself up for misery...you would likely all suffer very much in the end.
I would get married but your
I would get married but your DH needs to be on board - his daughter did not write the letter the BM did - the daughter just wrote what her mother wanted her to. The 12 year old would never have thought to put in there about the 10 year old brother not seeing you all 12 year old girls are pretty selfish and only think of themselves not their little brothers and besides she would look at being at her mother's house as a break from her brother - I know this to be true because this is what the 15 year old boy next door told me when his parents divorced they each took custody of one child and the kids loved it - this is an adult writing - don't let the BM ruin what you do have. Fight for it and get DH on board with you. Also tell him that SD did not write letter/ also when SS got his braces we paid up front but BM got to pay monthly so explain to orthodontist about upcoming wedding and ask if it is okay to start paying in November. Explain the situation to the DR and I am sure they will agree.
And as far as you going somewhere when the skids come over they are lucky that you are not convincing your DH to only take them EOWeekend - this is all PASing done by the BM - you need to put a stop to it right now. Period. The worst that could happen is that she will with hold the kids from dad for a while but believe me she will want the break from them again and you will get them back. As much as we all love our biokids there are times when I would like a couple of days a month break from my DD - and divorced couples get use to that time alone and really come to treasure it whether they want to admit it or not.
I totally disagree with you
I totally disagree with you in so many ways. You are not in the position to say whether or not this man's child wrote this letter. It's just too much drama going on based on what the writer has written and although I'm sure your intentions are well, you should caution yourself when you're saying (with conviction) whether or not the SD wrote the letter to her BD or not. This man (obviously) has allowed himself strong connections to his ex-wife & based on his current response (based on what the writer presented) he is not ready to take a stand for her now and/or he may never be able or ready to take a stand for his fiance for the fear of losing contact, etc with his children. That's my perspective of your comment & if I were the writer, I would NOT marry this man now or perhaps not even in the future. He is damaged goods & he is not going to allow anyone come between his having a relationship with his kids . . . besides he's having so many financial problems she should let him go & all of his financial issues & drama as well.
I do agree with you that I
I do agree with you that I also believe the birthmother had a hand in helping to write the letter. I know children sometimes write their feelings down but I have never seen any of mine sit down and write such as that and then say something about the brother.
I also dont think the SD would have been so ready to make up if it hadnt been for her feeling guilty about writing the letter. I do think that maybe FDH and original poster need counseling to ensure his kissing up to BM stops before they get married.
And, I always enjoy reading your advice so dont worry about others!
I so agree with your comment
I so agree with your comment & you are so accurate in your viewpoint.
The problem is I love
The problem is I love everything about him so much and I know he feels the same! I would hate to have him give up what we have if my ex caused problem after problem. The problem is she hates me for no reason at all and is making my fiance pay for t
hat. He told her he ended it with me and as soon as he hung up, she told the kids. She wouldn't even let him tell them. When he saw the kids, they were upset. She did a victory dance. she wants him alone.When he is alone, she is his best friend, when he is with me, she makes him suffer. I emailed my future SD and apologized for my reaction. She also apologized and said she couldn't imagine her life without me and my kids. When I saw her, she initiated a tight hug. I want to move on and act like this didn't happen, but in the back of my head I say, ok, great, you're sorry, but your action cost us a lot of money. How do I deal with this woman. If I leave, she wins and my poor fiance is alone again. She is ruining his life. I have never spoken ill of her and her alcoholic husband, I always lend an ear to SD and she just sabatoges me all the time, not my fiance, me and my son. How do I get her to stop without her dangling the kids infront of him and threatening financial consequences.
By the way, thank you for all of your input.I know it must sound crazy that I will be willing to deal with this, but we went to school together and reconnected. I feel so good when I'm with him, its her constant bombs that we try to dodge.
I would go to some major
I would go to some major counseling first before any I do's were said. I know you love him but if he is going to let her think you and him are no longer together just to smooth things over with her, whats going to happen when you get married? Is he going to divorce you to make her happy or agree not have any kids with you to make her happy? I still get to watch my DH kiss other people's arse and not care that he is making me unhappy in the process.
hmmmm, i always live by the
hmmmm, i always live by the motto "if in doubt throw it out" now honestly if i were in your shoes i would look into the near future and think, do you really see yourself being happy? do you see a peace of mind that you should have? If you fiance doesnt stick up for you now then he never will. I believe that he should have been telling BM to suck it up. You are the one he loves and she needs to fuck off and move on. He should not be telling her he left you to keep her happy. That to me is just plain disrepectful to you!!! You need to put your own happiness first.
In regards to SD12, she is a horrible selfish little girl and needs to be made aware of the consequences of her letter. She sounds to me like she is playing with BM illness and manipulating things to suit herself.
Think your self as lucky, you have forewarning before you get married now you can make an educated descision. think with your head this time not your heart, that will only lead you to hurt
You said that very well
You said that very well [alwaysme]. I only hope that motherof2 realizes what's really happened & move on with her life wit her 2 children (which I strongly doubt she will) . . . she's stuck on what she [thinks] she feels, which is unfortunate for her & her children.
Unfortunately, he needs to
Unfortunately, he needs to kiss her ass for a little while so we can get on our feet and fight her. We don't have the money right now to do that.
You've apparently made up
You've apparently made up your mind & it seems that you're actually trying to make justification to remain with this man. But as my mom would, you must be a glutten for hurt & pain. It's more to it than just ex-wife drama & SD drama girl you are in for some real stressful ordeals and the sad thing is (you have 2-kids of your own that you're exposing to this nonsense) . . . Wow!!! And then, you have the gall to talk about the exwife's mothering skills (talk about the pot calling the kettle black). In this situation (if you were solo & no children), I would say it's [your] life; however, you have children to live for & who will be affected so it's not [just] your life it's your kid's as well. I'm not trying to be rude but simply based on what you've written, you're coming across as a very pathetic woman who simply doesn't want to be alone (without a man). As if you've accepted this man for all his problems & written them up as "he's such a good man & he loves me, yada yada simply as justification to remain with him. You say you love him & all this stuff about your kids loving him . . . your problems will become 3-folds after you marry him & then you'll truly see the man you say you love for who he really is & you'll later be writing how your feelings have changed. I strongly believe that & it doesn't take a tarot card reader to see that.
There's a thin line between love & hate. In a moments time you shall learn the meaning of this old adage.
Well, he had financial
Well, he had financial problems. He has a great job and works hard. He is kissing ass to save us from BM financial destruction.My thought is just give her the tax returns for 3 years and lets move on. I don't want to kiss her ass for the rest of our lives. Anyway, so if he had money, I should stay with him? As we have all seen with this economy, what if he had alot of money and we got married and he lost his job and his bank account? Would that make him damaged goods? He has to be very calculated with the BM because she unfortunatly has the upper hand. Yes if we had the money, I would tell her to go fuck herself! We just want to get to a point where we have an upper hand. I am thinking about my kids too, leaving would just cause another grieving for them. Me and FDH have no problems, but the negativeness that surrounds him is a problem. I just have to let it go with BM and not let her in our home. She wants the back CS, fine we will find a way to get it to her, but she is not going to destroy him. He is on my side 100%. He was faced with a complete loss situation and was trying to make it right. He did go back the next day and tell her he loves me and is not willing to compromise our relationship because she doesn't like me. I have talked to FDH family and his friends, they all agree that she is trying to destroy him, she has a seathing hatred for me for no reason. I just asked that no matter what we need to be on the same page and he agrees, he apologized 100 times. If he didn't owe that money, believe me he would tell her to go to hell. HE HATES HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is not a dead beat, he paid for all kinds of other stuff for the kids and that was their verbal agreement, who knew that she would do this. And she is not stupid, she caught us at a time where our lease is up and we have to go, so she new financially we are strapped. Funny, since he said he is back with me she no longer talks to him again. She is his bestfriend when he is alone. She is sick. I even wrote her an email asking that we just start again and try to get along for the kids sake, she ignored it.
i am so sorry you are going
i am so sorry you are going through this. when i read it through the first time, i thought, yes absolutely yes, you should marry the man you love more than anything, and stand together against her. but i read it again......and this is what changed my mind:
"So in total desperation to make things right. DB tells her he ended it with me and I will no longer see the kids."
this, to me, is the biggest red flag of all. i felt so much hurt for you, knowing that he said that to please her. bm will continue to be a pain in the a*s but its all about your fdh and how he handles it. seriously. a LOT of women wouldnt be on this board if their dh's were standing up for their relationship and their children. but they are not, and yours is not either. he's allowing himself to be caught in between, and throwing you under the bus to please bm. even in desperation, he made a very very wrong choice, as far as your relationship is concerned. even if you have an extremely long talk with him and make it perfectly clear that YOU are the priority, and she is far down on the list....who knows if he will hear you or truly understand. he needs to stand up to her starting immediately, or this will continue to happen the rest of your lives
i know its a tough decision but choose what is best for YOU. ((hugs))
My opinion is don't get
My opinion is don't get married. Even if you love this man. If you do, it will only get worst, and it doesn't sound too good right now. It can only get worst because it's not stable now and then you want to join the party. You need to take care of your own kids first and if you bring them into this party you will only hurt them(and probable the other kids too). It doesn't sound too healthy. Your kids need all your attention and don't need you to be involved in other business except theirs. Think about what the impact this will have on your kids. You had your chance for a life, now it needs to be about your kids and not you.
I feel for you as I had these
I feel for you as I had these thoughts before I got married in April. I have a sd tht well makes life quite hard for us all...I look and see that the sc are young and you may think as they get older things may get easier. Before I got married I asked my self can I cope with all the bitterness thathas come along with my hubbies baggage. Well I wouldlike to say I did marry him and it has made his sd see tht no matter wot she does we are solid. SD is 19yrs old and is only getting more caniveing and convincing. I told my self stand back and let dad sort it but when you love some one as I do mine an you do yours it is hard to stay neuatral and not feel the games htey play. If I could turn back time I would say to my self what I think now. Marriage is only a piece of paper. It wont change the relationship for what it is now. If naything it will make you fight an even stronger corner cus in your head you are now his wife and the preasure of your beliefs will only cause more of a head ache and no one can keep thoughts like this to them selves with out making them un happy...If I was in your shoes now I would not have got married. A relationship is as strong as it will ever get married or not married.. AND I agree if he standing up to ex now dont think it will change in any future cus if he loves you to get married then the love between you now should make him stronger than ever and do it now to prove to you that you are as important as you would like to be that why Im marrying you. Im sorry I would be so angry an upset if my hubby sed to ex tht you were over...tht is the lowest and im sure it must have stuck in you like a knife..You will do what you want to do jus like I did even when ppl were telling me not to get married...but if you think it will make things better then Im sorry in my experience it has made it worse.
Thank you for that. I have to
Thank you for that. I have to say, in the past when BM was rude to me, he did defend me and said why do you hate her so much, what has she ever done to you but to love our kids. You are so jealous of her you need to get over it. He had stood by myside. He insists that conversations with kids, that they do love me and its not their fault their mother is a monster. He sympothized with them because he went thru living with a bipolar and its terrible. He has talked to daughter about ways to deal with it. It was only 2 months ago that she wanted to be with us because she couldn't take it anymore. The kids are accused of liking it better at our home and constantly grilled on it. When she fights with husband, they both take the kids aside to get their opinion on who is right. It is the most disfunctional situation I've seen. However, the kids don't want to leave her, they are scared too. Now with all the drama going on, my son tells me he doesn't feel like we are a family anymore, because the overnights have stopped and now there is constant drama. We went from a strong happy couple to questioning our future. FDH feels bad and says I don't deserve this, I can find someone without the baggage that comes with him. He is furious with BM for doing this. I feel like if the kids want to be here great, if not who cares. I want to live my life with my husband, and he said I come first, he would like everyone on board but if they are not, too bad.