Challenges of step parenting?
What are your challenges of being a step parent?
for me it's the fact that ss is older than my bio daughter. I have been in ss life since he was a toddler and it always felt like I was not yet equipped emotionally, physically , and mentally to take care of Ss like he was my own.
after having bio daughter it all made sense, I feel more connected to being a parent with my bio because I was prepared through pregnancy and growing with her through stages of her development into toddlerhood/childhood
I feel like a lot of my time has been spent on caring for Ss that It feels like my kid sometimes comes second. While I was a sahm for so long I felt taken advantage of and often had ss with me and my bio daughter while my husband and ss mom were working or doing whatever they want/need. I am working on enforcing my boundaries more with my husband and ss mom that I am not a daycare for ss. It's been challenging as a past of people pleasing but I am finally putting my foot down
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it always felt like I was not
and you adopted the skid and/or unless skids bio mom is deceased/incapacitated/etx shouldn't be expected to "treat them like your own"
You have no rights to them, you didn't raise them from birth up, they have other bio influences, etc that make it just about impossible to raise as your own
You should respect them as humans and treat them as you want yours to be treated by a step mom if they had one
If you are able to treat as your own excellent but if not don't feel guilty as it's unrealistic to expect this from step parents
This is my opinion though.
Hi! yes the mother is
Hi!
yes the mother is involved but she often has pawned ss off to our house, and if husband it left it up to me. I am just now starting to enforce more boundaries about how much I watch him on my own.
I got sent screenshot of ss mom on Facebook saying I'm a babysitter.
that's when I said enough is enough
The Disneyland dad I dealt
The Disneyland dad I dealt with did this too.
He let his exwife and kids use our quiet peaceful orderly home as a zoo/24-7 respite care center for his spawns. And half the time his a$& wouldn't be there or would leave to supposedly workout.
KISS - No Skid except on your SO's COd time.
BM can F-off and care for her kid on her time.
No, means no.
Even on SO's COd SKid time, no still means no. After school camp, sports, etc... DH can schlep him around. When DH gets home from work he can pick SS up and they can both come home for family time. Again, only on SO's COd time with the failed family progeny.
Hopefully your husband will
Hopefully your husband will respect your boundaries. From what I've learned, men will often just dump all of the childcare on the stepmom so you have to decide what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. In my case, I disengaged and just stopped doing childcare for SS4 when husband is here, and it forced husband into doing it. (Husband gets SS breakfast and lunch, does the potty training, doctor appointments, etc.)
What are your challenges of being a step parent? For me, it's realizing I am not cut out to be a stepparent and I don't enjoy it at all and now I am stuck. And like you, I dont feel any type of connection with my SS even after I've tried. I do like being a mom to my baby boy though. I grew up in a traditional "nuclear" family and I've realized that a blended family and steplife stress was not a good choice for me.
Stuck? So don't be stuck.
Take care of you. Your SO's prior family failures are his to deal with. Put it on him.
I fear for you and your LO. How can someone who has failed as a mate and father not continue to fail as a mate and a father to your child? Both SS and your DS are his kids.
So, make stuck something you avoid at all costs. If SO is not adequate as a mate or a father, move on.
Successful blending is purely a factor of the partners being the uncontested priority, and the kids being the top adult responsibility. The manefestation fo making kids the top responsibility is establishing and enforcing clear standards of behavior and standards of performance for all kids in thepicture in an age appropriate manner.
If SO cannot do that, find someone who can and will.
Life is about adventure and love for the ages. If you are stuck, you are failing yourself and your child.
IMHO of course.
Thank you, Rags, you are very
Thank you, Rags, you are very sweet. I'm stuck because divorce wouldn't be an option for us for both religious reasons and because I don't want our child to be a child of divorce and then subject him to steplife and custody schedules to deal with for however long. I just have to put a smile on my face, force DH to care for SS4 when DH is at home, and get support from all you wonderful people on Steptalk who have helped me out so much with your advice and stories. <3
I understand the aversion to
I understand the aversion to divorce. I would have been married to my XW far longer had she not filed. That was the greatest gift she ever gave me. Though it took me a while to realize it at the time.
Sadly, your child has started a life where they will experience much of what a COD experiences. Though not due to a divorce of his own parents. He is living with a visitation schedule, and a blended family experience, he will need the facts as much as his big brother will.
Blended family life impacts everyone in the family. Even kids whose parents are in an intact marriage.
Set your boundaries, enforce them and protect your LO. It is too late to keep him from living much of what comes with being part of a blended family.
Sadly.
As for the challenges... your
As for the challenges... your mate. The mate and the relationship between you and your mate are the biggest challenge of SParenting. If you are not true partners which makes you true equity parents to any and all kids in your marriage regardless of kid biology, don't waste your time on the relationship. Get out, and keep your own kids insulated from that crap even if those kids are the progeny of that STB X.
Good luck.
My challenges
My biggest challenge was realizing my good intentions didn't change anything. My step kids were naturally upset by their parents' divorce. They were naturally leery of a stranger with their dad. They were naturally apprehensive of my 2 bios, concerned they would lose some of their dad's attention.
So, despite my best intentions, hard work, extra efforts, they had those feelings. It all took time to gain some acceptance and it was hard working through it all.
There are lots of potential
There are lots of potential challenges... Your family.. his family.. (inlaws etc).. having an Ex that is potentially toxic or oppositional. Financial strain from divorce settlements (because when you had two people creating one household.. now they are trying to create TWO households out of the same resources.. it's tough).
Younger and adult kids.. all come with their own unique set of challenges too.
But.. for most stepmoms.. I think one of the biggest challenges is finding your place.. not over functioning for your partner with his kids... and accepting the reality that you do have outside factors that may influence your home.. no matter how much you want to insulate yourself.. it's not realistic to expect you have full autonomy without someone having an opposing viewpoint.
Another challenge is that societal pressure and assumption that women are going to be the nurturing caregiver and that it will be possible to just "love them as your own" (what if you never had any.. lol?)
Finally, in a divorce, I think men are often marginalized to just a financial input by the court systems... which means that they can have relatively little control over their kids. .while being expected to foot the bill. It's difficult to watch those resources leave your home and in some cases, you may find yourself subsidizing because your partner can't afford to be a full participant at your place due to CS and alimony payments.
My biggest challenge was
My biggest challenge was realizing that I was responsible, but had no authority. From anyone. So I could ferry the kids around, for example, but the minute I had behavior expectations while in the car, or any input about planning, I was overstepping.
Disengagement became my friend.
I can 100% relate to this. I
I can 100% relate to this. I am expected to cook, clean, register for sports, coordinate this that or the other thing....think of birthday gifts....organize "family" activities etc etc.....but if I ask for dishes to be done I am on the shit list. How does the disengaging work without feeling like an asshole?!
Hi
" it always felt like I was not yet equipped emotionally, physically , and mentally to take care of Ss like he was my own. "
When I first considered being a SP. I Thought. I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. I now think no one can handle it.
'The different types of relationships that goes on. The ex, ex's family. SK. I Thought we all could / would work together to make a big happy family. What did I get. Everyone playing there own game. Ex. Game who knows Not spending money. But want everything for his kids.
Just thank your lucky stars for boards like this. You will feel this way that's life. Are normal. There are the crazy's
I feel this
I am a stepmom with no bio's of my own. I have one SD8 and I set boundaries early on with DH so that he knew he was 100% responsible for childcare when he wasn't home. Recently our work situations changed, I stopped working and he had an opportunity to work out at camp a few nights out of the month and make more money. We negotiated financial responsibilites in the household and childcare. He took on more bills to support me in my unemployment (and starting my own business) journey, and in turn I took on more of the childcare when he was away at work. BM suffers from addictions, is unhoused and not in the picture, so I am SM 100% of the time. We worked out a financial plan that feels fair for both of us, in addition to him taking on more bills he also pays me for overnight childcare. I like how you said you are setting boundaries and putting your foot down @moralofthestory, and if the BM wants to call you a babysitter then she can pay you (IMO). I love this thread because the over expectation of SM's is addressed (societal expectations of women to automatically provide childcare), I would also like to add all the kinkeeping that is expected of BM's and SM's that is rarely acknowledged (remembering birthdays, anniversaries, scheduling, party planning etc.). SM's are expected to do so much more than SD's because of the imbalanced workload that is a byproduct of living in a patriarchal society. Going into stepparethood aware of this, I set boundaries before moving in together and I negotiate along the way so that the childcare is not just dumped on me as the woman in the relationship. What works for us is financial support to balance out the workload. I hope you find what works for you and your family dynamic, whether it be getting paid for childcare from BM or DH, or just saying no to any childcare when DH is not around.