stepdaughter and bf moving in
I have been dealing with adult step kids for the past 3 years. I have felt so alone and left out when it came to my husband's daughters.
I have two adult SD. SD1 is 23 and has an 8 month old and SD2 is 22 and has a 2 1/2 year old. SD1, I do ot really have any issue with. She can be very sweet and is very independent even when she lived with us for a short time before she got married. And i guess the distance also helps since she lives in Las Vegas. SD2 on the other hand has been at times rude and disrespectful and even ungrateful. She treats me like i am invisible in my own home.
Come the end of this month, my stepdaughter, who is expecting a baby at the end of April, her 2 1/2 year old son and boyfriend are moving in with us.
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hello Whimsey6! I didnt even
hello Whimsey6! I didnt even know that my entry was published already. As you can tell, it is not finished. Thought it was saved somewhere. First entry.
Anyway, SD2 is moving in because they are having a hard time making ends meet and are barely getting by. I do not mind helping them out at all but I know thatbthis will not be a pleasant situation for anybody. And I couldnt bring myself to tell my husband No when he brought it up. But my husband did say thatbhe has no problem asking them to leave if anything gets out of hand.
How do I establish rules? How do I say that I do not want to be a stand-by babysitter? Because I can already see them doing so.
if you are willing to allow
if you are willing to allow them to move in, do it with a time-limit, and ask what their plans are for moving out. is one of them going to school to further their education? are they working? are they planning on saving money to get their own place? how long will this take? are they paying rent or do they plan on becoming a financial hardship to you? do not let them move in with no plans/no end date.
neither of them is working.
neither of them is working. bf is working as a linecook and is prolly only making 10 or 12 an hour at the most. SD went to school to be a dental asst but, since graduation, has worked at three different clinics and seems to find something wrong with her workplace everytime.
we dont have extra funds to support them. husband and i have been penny pinching to get old debt taken care of and now we are almost there, and theres this! i cant seem to catch a break.
I think you are going to be
I think you are going to be stuck with them all for a LONG time. Once they have the other child, your DH is not going to want them to leave. He won't have the heart to do that. There is no reason they should be moving in with you. They have a child and one on the way. The time to be responsible was YESTERDAY. And your SD is not nice to you...I doubt she has changed.
I think you better talk to your husband and tell him that you are not comfortable with this. If he still wants to bring them in, you need to establish ground rules BEFORE they arrive. This is so unfair to you and your husband, that they would even think to move in.
My DH's kids are 19-23 and they are pushing to move in, which they know would make me leave. They have been nothing but hateful to me and DH, and 2 refuse to work, while one works a pt job. All they do is lie around all day, playing video games and eating. I am dreading the day they have children of their own, but it is not my problem, because they are never coming here.
Been there...never going to
Been there...never going to again.
Cocoa and yankee girl are right on with their responses.
You really need to present all of those questions to your dh.
When I went through this, my then fiance didn't even ask how I felt about his loser son and gf moving in with us. They basically showed up at the door with their cockroach ridden belongings and he allowed them to move in.
After laying into my bf that he didn't respect me much since he asked me to move in with him and then less than 4 months later he allows others to move in w/o asking me.
I asked him to lay ground rules. Pay rent, time limit, help with chores, etc, etc...
Not one dime was ever paid, time limit came and went but you know, my bf just "couldn't throw them out in the street"!
I think the gf cooked dinner one time with their food stamp gotten food, Banquet frozen fried chicken, instant potatoes and canned corn. Other than that, they never did any chores, actually made the house come close to a hoarders episode and they both have extremely nasty hygiene habits!
They would stay up all night playing video games and music until 5AM then sleep until late afternoon. Hell, neither worked nor put any real effort into finding work even though that was part of the reason for helping.
It all came to a head one day when I just decided not to go home one day after work and moved back into my home (didn't take any of my belongings from bf house which I was sure were infested by now) and I then sent bf a Dear John type of email with ultimatums that I was very willing to accept.
I agree that the best solution in your case may be to just give help with their rent AT THEIR OWN LITTLE APARTMENT for a limited time. They need to learn to get on their own feet.
Have a discussion with your dh and be honest about your feelings on this. He may surprise you with his support for your feelings. If he doesn't, that in itself should tell you a lot.
I truly wish you the best!
Wouldnt charging them rent be
Wouldnt charging them rent be tantamount to them, maybe, thinking that they have authority in the house? SD offered to her dad the foodstamps she gets every month and then added "But we can pay rent if you want". To me that sounded like, "heres what Im willing to give you and Id rather not pay rent".
I am re-considering now that maybe we should just offer them help with their rent rather than letting them move in because I agree with dontcallmestepmom, they will be here for a long time.
I think there will always be
I think there will always be an excuse as to why they cannot leave. With the added expense of an infant, it is going to be all the more difficult for them to want to leave. Your SD probably does not want to work, or wants more money. That is the issue with my DH's sons. They are 19 and 20 and have never worked. They think they are "owed" a salary they will never get, and they will only "accept" certain hours and work days. One of them turned down 2 jobs. They don't even apply to jobs now. They have no driver's licenses. DH's daughter is 23, and works 25 hours a week max. She stood in my kitchen and said, "Only losers work full time. I will NEVER f'ng work full-time." She has been at the same job for 5 years, making very little money. She has been offered full time and refuses.
I am at the point that thinking of them makes my blood boil, because they only contact DH when they want money. He stopped that 2 years ago. They truly have no ambition, other than eating and playing video games. BM allows it, although she has been pushing for 2 of them to come here. NEVER HAPPENING.
If you decide to help with rent, that needs to have a time limit set, too. They need to be forced to take responsibility.
has worked at three different
has worked at three different clinics and seems to find something wrong with her workplace everytime.
I'd be telling her she better get another job and find something right with it. Like the fact that they give her a paycheck.
No way would they be moving in with me.
I think you better talk to DH
I think you better talk to DH and tell him that you are not comfortable with this. You need to establish ground rules BEFORE they move in - time limits, expectations, quiet hours, etc. I would not do this - 2 adult women should never live in the same household. It never works .
Would you go out on the
Would you go out on the street and find two homeless people with kids and bring them to your home?
Would you go run by a day labor place and offer a place to live to some of the people hanging on there?
Would you go to the nearest homeless shelter and take home some people?
You are about to do one of the most destructive things ever. Taking in homeless people with kids who do not work is only a step above slashing your wrists.
Everyone is telling you NOT to do this under any circumstances, but I'll bet that you will bend. And you are going to regret this more than you can imagine.
It would be one thing if they worked and were truly trying to help themselves. They are leaches who will bleed you dry.
i stand corrected. sorry.
i stand corrected. sorry. only SD doesnt work. the bf works a min wage job.
now reading the blogs just made this more real for me.
i just do not want to seem selfish and not even try to help out. we dont have money to help them with but we can provide a roof over their heads tmporarily were my thoughts thats why i agreed to it. plus, my husband is very lenient and open to my family. my mom stays for 6 months and my husband doesnt say a word. the difference is, my mom always pitches in and cleans the house. she prepares food and does garden work. i doubt SD will do any of those. she wouldnt even offer help to clean up whenever she comes over for dinner.
ok, i was unsure in the
ok, i was unsure in the beginning of this but now i already regret it! over dinner, i made it clear to my husband that we have to all sit own and talk BEFORE they move in. im in too deep now to back out. i just hope and pray that my husband keeps his word that if things go out of hand, that he will ask them to leave.
I came to this website
I came to this website because I felt guilty last year when I said "no" to my SD, her husband, and their 2 kids moving in. I felt selfish and felt like a horrible person, even though they did it to themselves and it was not the first time they had put themselves in that situation. This site helped me feel a lot less guilty!
I am glad I said no. It wouldn't have worked and would not have ended well for anybody. They figured something else out, as I knew they would.