Am Curious Do Step Families Ever Become Good?
i need to know if step families ever get 'good'. Like do the step children ever accept the step mother and step father, and things get to a normal place where you can have a fairly normal life? I am six years into this, and I feel like I'm living a nightmare and all I can think most days is that I want out.
I have hoped and prayed that things would get better and that God would perform a miracle, but nothing has changed and some days I wonder "is it me?" "Am I just too overly sensitive?" But I am ALWAYS angry, and have been since almost the start of our marriage. No amount of pills makes me feel better, and I'm not going to become an alcoholic so that I can function in this marriage anymore.
I'm to the place that I really truly want out. I don't know what the next step is because I do want to take my dog, but I don't think my parents will let me bring my dog no matter how much I beg. So I need prayers for that and my cat. I want my parents to let me bring them -- because I would be out of here this week. I want out. I cannot do this anymore. That basically is what is stopping me now -- my daughter is now off at college, and my parents have said I can come live with them so I can get back on my feet. I can take all my stuff and pack it up and put it in a storage unit, which I have no problem with doing, and then get out.
If someone can give me some home that this will get better -- tell me something. Give me some hope. But this has been awful from the start and I wish I would have never married him.
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Ok here's my story: Mom and
Ok here's my story:
Mom and dad divorced when I was 6ish.
Dad remarried, she did not like us. She left after 10 yrs of marriage.
Mom remarried, we didn't dislike my sdad. We all coexisted in my moms life. As adults though we connected. We connected because of something simple- we figured out he really did love us.
His son moved in at age 14: he attributes my moms love as who he is today. He was heavily PASed. His sister was much older but came around as a college kid.
My sdad died 3 yrs ago.....my ssiblings are very much a part of our family.
the only true way is if dh
the only true way is if dh supports you. i read a few of your blogs, trying to find clues as to how your dh hanles his kids and if he is supporting you. from what i gather, the only time he parents and sets boundaries is when you push him to do it, correct? and then he's resentful of you for "making" him do it. you've tried disengaging, but you are still unhappy. apparently you left once (not sure why), but when you came back, skids treated you very well, so i'm thinking that they DO love you, but your dh does not work with you in setting boundaries, and he has allowed them to run over you. have you decided within yourself that you want out, your finished trying or looking for a glimmer of hope?
you focus alot on your skids, i think, as opposed to focusing on your marriage. does your dh know how unhappy you are? have you had a come to Jesus talk with him? does he know that you are planning an escape and the only thing holding you back is your dog? do you think your dh loves you enough to do what it takes to keep you?
i don't think you have a skid problem as much as a marital problem. if your marriage was strong, all these other issues would be put more into perspective. these kids would know without a shadow of a doubt that if they disrespected you that he would not tolerate it, and would do whatever it takes to protect you. are you and your dh open to marital counseling? i don't know, it may be too late (it usually is when the wife starts planning her exit). are you asking for help in leaving or help with your marriage?
Cocoa -- my DH sometimes
Cocoa -- my DH sometimes supports me. And yes, he sets boundaries when I push him. Bottom line is DH doesn't protect me from his kids -- meaning, they can be disrespectful and rude, and he doesn't do anything about it -- there are no repercussions for bad behavior.
You are totally right that I was focusing on the skids rather than my marriage. I began doing The Love Dare -- it made me start focusing on my DH rather than on the kids. I started looking more at the positives of my DH, and not the negatives. I've realized over the last couple of weeks in doing this book that he has a lot of great qualities and is a good man. I've tried to look at some of the skids good qualities -- have not found many at all, so just focus on dh.
We've tried marital counseling -- turned into me just going because the counselor would tell him to do things, he would say he would do "X" and then there was no follow through outside of the counselor's office. It was so hard.
I'm looking for a glimmer of hope.
My story as a stepkid my
My story as a stepkid my parents divorced when I was about 7the and the oldest, my sis was 4a and my brother 3. My parents got shared custody as my dad was a fireman he workes 24 on 48 off so the night before he worked we went to moms stayed that night all the next day and night and at 7 am the next morning dad got us we called it get got go. A year after the divorce they both remarried. At my dads wedding he asked me to call my stepmom "mom" I was a livid hurt 8 yr old who screamed I have a mom at the reception.
I don't even remember my mom's wedding I don't think my dad and stepmom let us go. My stepmom and I didn't get along I was a reminder of my mom they bad mouthed my mom a lot. I'm aure I made my stepmom miserable (which she couldn't have kids fron an bad misscarrage when ahe was younger).
Whenever she got sick of me I'd get kicked out to live with my mom full time for a bit, I felt abandoned. My stepmom would hit a us with a paddle or the fly swatter sometimes just as we walked passed her and I hated her for it. My stepdad was fine never a problem never disciplined us an was a truck driver so was rarely there. He and my mom divorced when I was 15, and later found out he had molested my little sister my mom was devistated my sis never told as she knew our dad would take us from our mom who never knew.
Jump forward and when I had my own kids SM got better my kids called her grandma cause well she was they never refered to her as step grandma. But it was still tense between us, I still hated her for all the terrible things sbe had called me (which floosy, slut, etc all while I was still a virgin) for being nasty to every friend I ever broght home. Then my exh and I divorced my parents all 3 of them supported me through it emotionally. I met SO his kids and suddenly my SM was nice to me! Till I complained one day about SO's ex and got the comment "I hahaha now you see what I delt with" and I snapped on her for all the bad mouthing she and my dad had done of my dad for being nasty when I miscarried (which I'm the one rushed her to the hospital and stayed till we heard she was okay after her ectopic the only time she got pregnant with my dad and I voiced how sorry I was) I told her how my mom had never bad mouthed them but I'm sure she had wanted to. (which she came back with my mom did all the time to them, yes well never to us.)
That I'd never deserved the name calling and being punished for being like my mom, that I was sorry we were the onky kids she had been stuck with. She cried and for the first time ever said she was sorry she had, had no idea how to be a stepmom and had only had her own parents as examples of parents (which they were crazy I couldn't stand them like cps should of been called crazy)
Things since have been good, she and my dad came to my dd's sweet 16 in the same room as my mom (usually this makes her be snide mean and nasty to everyone us kids especially) she was plesant smiled and even told my mom good night when they left (she's never spoke to my mom in public ever and is usually awful to my dad just because my mom was at the same event.) I finally told her happy mother's day this year, she bought me some yummy strudel on a trip they took and just Friday bought me a used dryer as mine had died and we're broke she got a big thank you and I thanked her on Facebook as it's that kind of public thanks she likes.
My siblings moved away they have a long distance decent relationship with her we love our dad and even though he complains about her all the time now that we're adults I have to shut him down cause he chooses to be with her. But it does get better she likes being a grandma, she likes my SO's kids, and after our row I think she gets I'm not the bad guy, my mom's not the bad guy, and it is better.
I think it all depends on how you are, what the exw is like and how the kids are treated. My dad was severe in his punishment of us, he was never a disney dad, and both my parents were involved with us kids. but it is better.
I agree with coca uf your dh
I agree with coca uf your dh supports you and repects you. Along with parenting his kids and making sure they repect you then yes it can be very good.
My situation is just that my dh backs me up and repects me. Makes sure his kids repect me. Now they dobt have to like me but they do have to listen and behave.
Just like the time i told ss17 he couldnt drive home after ni sleep and dh backed me up and in fact so did bm. Long story but my point is that your dh has ti back you up and repect you and make his kids do the same.