Thinking of opening an account for my daughter, equal to stepdaughters child support - thoughts?
Ok, so my husband (& I ) have been faithfully paying $275 per month (child support) to his ex for over 10 years (my stepdaughter is almost 15) – that’s about $33,000! My husband shares 50/50 custody w/ his ex, so in addition to the child support, we provide for ½ of her food, clothing, housing & any regular activities that come up while she is with us. In the support plan, child support is specifically stated to cover at least one extracurricular activity & school expenses (lunch, pictures, supplies, field trips, etc…) per month. Over the years the ex has manipulated additional funds from us by using the child as leverage (no 6th grade camp unless we pay 50% of the cost – stating that this didn’t count as a “regular” school expense, and so she wouldn’t be participating unless we paid up). When we wouldn’t additionally pay 50% of summer camp costs, no summer camps. She also saved a lot of money by not having her participate in any extracurricular activities for a few years. We are not a wealthy family – my husband’s income is comparable to his ex’s. I am a stay-at-home mom (for both my 5 yr old, and my stepdaughter), so my husband’s income supports 3 ½ people (plus the child support); his ex’s income supports 1 ½ people, plus she receives the child support. Recently, my stepdaughter has been making references to things (expensive) that she wants & wants to do (drivers ed, car, expensive (multiple) activities, school dances (dresses, etc.), etc… We simply cannot afford to be paying the child support, plus 50% of “more”. So here’s my BIG idea: I want to start putting $275 in account (managed by me, same as her mother does for her) for my daughter, so that we are being equal to both our children, and the money is available for her to have the same opportunities. I admit that part of my goal here is to force my stepdaughter (and her mom) to understand & respect the significant contribution that we have & do make towards my stepdaughter, and how completely unreasonable (and impossible, now w/ $275 being set aside for my daughter) it would be to ask that we contribute more. I am confident that $275/month is more that sufficient to cover any comparable costs which would come up for this $ to cover (if I wanted to be exactly fair/ comparable, I would be putting $550 in the account, $275 from each parent, since the child support is technically my husbands 50% support of his daughter’s expenses). My parents had 7 kids; we did not cost our parents anywhere near $550 each per month! – ridiculous amount of money. Thoughts?
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I think $275 is high when
I think $275 is high when you're talking about 50/50 custody. My opinion is that in 50/50 custody cases child support should be $0. The dad has just as much time as the BM and spends just as much money. I'd rather see the $275 go to extra curriculars and other miscellaneous expenses for the child.
14 yo do need a sahm -
14 yo do need a sahm - especially when their own mom's are busy focussing on multiple boyfriends. As far as I'm concerned my DH's income is "our" income (& WA state agrees w/ me). He was well before we married that when & if I had children, I would be a sahm. I earn my 1/2 of his income; I care for his child(ren), our home, & manage his ex (he prefers to be an ostrich - but that is ok, I'm very skilled at handliing her
She has a 5 year old too.
She has a 5 year old too.
mmfischer, if you can afford to put away that much for your daughter, go for it! She could use it for college. But I don't see how that is going to teach your SD and her mom any sort of lesson. What difference does it make to them if you put money aside for your daughter.
That's exactly what I was
That's exactly what I was thinking. It is definitely a great idea for your bio but it will in no way show SD or BM anything and if BM asks you guys to go 50/50 on something and your reason for not being able to is because you are putting aside money for your bio I can pretty much guarantee her answer will be, "so???"
Definitely nice to set up something like that for your kids though, I think I might too
oh, I know what the BM's
oh, I know what the BM's reply would be, but it's only fair to have the same standard of living in each home for each child; but if the money's not there, it's just not there
- and nobody can say we're being unfail. There should be plenty of money in SD's account, considering we've put $33,000 in (& that would mean BM as equaly contributed $33,000 too, right 
There's nothing wrong w/ 15 yr olds getting jobs to pay for extra stuff they want (I started babysitting at 12). Tapped out.
CS covers everything ....
CS covers everything .... PERIOD!
Unless otherwise stipulated in the CO. Usually the only required participation form the NCP other than CS is half of uncovered medical expenses and half of visitation travel costs.
QUIT LETTING BM PLAY THE GUILT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!
When SD whines tell her, your dad has already given your mom the money for support, activities and everything else. Ask your mom for the money for camp, 5th grade trip, dances, driver's ed, cars, etc......
I like the idea of the account for your DD matching the CS and other financial participation that your family provides for your SD.
Even better, how about filing for CS against your DH for your DD just to ensure that those funds are not attachable by the blended family opposition? I am not sure if a BM married to the BioDad can file for CS that but it may be worth a try as a strategy for controlling the Skid's BM as far as money is concerned. The money would go to you form the CSE office and may limit raising CS manipulations by BM.
Good luck.
Thanks you all your comments
Thanks you all your comments - great!
When I started staying home, my SD was 9; she loved not having to go to childcare before & after school anymore (away from home 7a-6p) - she had been in full-time childcare since she was 6 weeks old. I firmly believe that kids should not be left on their own after school, even at 14 (almost 15); I pick her up from the bus-stop (otherwise she would have a mile walk), I pick her up from after-school activities [she usually does one after school sport per quarter, currently not though, because of D grade. Her BM is currently on relationship #15 (engagement #2)- that we are aware of; I believe the stability & consistancy I provide her by staying home is beneficial to her. Her mom has been diagnosed as BPD & is very difficult to deal with, both for us & her. Yes, I primarily stay home for my 5 yr old, but I don't believe my SD would prefer to walk home to an empty house, every day of the week. She & her sister are very close - I put a lot of effort into making sure they are able to spend as much time together as possible. I never make her babysit (although I often get the comment due to their age difference "how nice, you have a built-in babysitter". I am also a sahm for my husband - he is very good at a lot of things, but being a "mom" is not one of them!
I agree. The BM doesn't CARE
I agree. The BM doesn't CARE what you do with your money or who you spend it on. She only cares it isn't going to her daughter.
If you are able to save the money for your 5 yr old, do it. But trying to teach the BM and SD a lesson is just not going to happen.
And the comparison of how many people the income covers is a choice thing. You decided to have a child together and you are at home with your child. You COULD be working and bringing in 2 incomes to support 3 1/2 people and the ex COULD remarry and bring in 2 incomes to support 3 people. You all made choices in your lives. To complain because the BM has more money to support less people is realtive to the choices you all made.
Now what IS unfair is the CS is post tax. He is paying tax on his income and then pays CS. And does the CS reciever declare it as income? No. He pays it post tax and for her it is tax free. THAT is unfair. I think CS should be taken out pre tax or the CS should be taxable income.
actually, in WA, the
actually, in WA, the stepparents income is not considered in deciding child support amount (I am not required to put any of my income towards my SD support, and it is not used in the calculation - although the ex tried when we married :), but additional children in the household is; child support can be lowered due to additional depenant children added, through birth or addoption (stepchildren don't affect the #). Our lawyer has told us that it is not worth the cost to look into getting the child support lowered, as it may cost more than we are paying in legal fees, to do so.
My husband did not choose to become a divorced dad - his ex got borred being a mom & wife, and picked up a few boyfriends (& continues to do so regularly). He had a right to move on, re-marry & have more children; marriage & children was the original arangement his first wife had agreed to & defaulted on. Yes, I made a choice to marry a divorced dad w/ a child (don't regret it), and I accept the agreement that was reached (in order to get 50/50 custody) of $275/mo support - had he gone through the system, he would have ended up w/ only e/o weekend & full-time childsupport payments(~$1000/mo). In a fair world, he would have 50% custody w/out a fight, & pay $0 support, & they would just split her expenses. If only it were so simple:)
I don't mean to compain so much as I feel I found a good solution to something that I felt wasn't "fair" to the kids - if we give $275 to one, we should give it to both.
absolutely not - but I have
absolutely not - but I have no problem paying for all of this, out of $275/mo - same as my SD's mom gets to manage for her daughter
We've already paid for all these things, we're just not willing to pay for them twice.
incomes are the same. For
incomes are the same. For parents that give two shits about their own children, they wouldn't put their kids in daycare. And lastly, BM wouldn't want full custody if she had it, as it would interfere with her busy dating schedule. We already pay for all these "normal" things - w/ the child support!
AD, I agree with you ........
AD,
I agree with you ........ if the 50/50 situation did not have CS involved. In a 50/50 situation CS should never be ordered IMHO. True 50/50 should put the burden of supporting the child on the parent who has the child at that time.
If one parent is more successful than the other then so be it but why should one parent have to give the other CS money in a true 50/50 custody situation?
Now, in a true 50/50 custody situation both parents should split the normal things that occur outside of the households. Sports, dances, lessons, etc......
But in a 50/50 situation where one parent pays CS, then the one receiving CS should pay for these things unless the NCP 50/50 parent chooses to participate. If the CP 50/50 parent who receives CS does not want to pay for these things then they should give up being CP.
IMHO of course.
If any of my rambling made any sense at all.
I don't think summer camp is
I don't think summer camp is a part of normal childhood expenses. It is a luxuary that not everyone can afford. I agree with the others but not that. I also feel that if you are getting CS that is for all the childs expenses. In our sitch other than daycare & 1/2 of med expenses, extra ciricular needs to be paid for out of CS. Our BM makes way more than DH so when she cries poor it is pathetic. My skids are with us about 40% of the time, they require clothing ( which we provide) and if you didn't know better you would think that they lived with us full time based on all the stuff they have. I am to the point where I just can't stand to see BM get her hands on any more of our hard earned money. I love the kids but over half of what their father earns goes just to them.
Why do you have to pay child
Why do you have to pay child support since you have her 50% of the time?
actually no. Washington state
actually no. Washington state does not grant 50/50 custody; the mother ususally gets full custody (w/ dad getting e/o weekend) - unless the mother is serriouly flawed (crack addict, etc...). He was able to get her to settle the divorce out of court (so long as he agreed to pay $275 in suppport); this was the cost he had to pay to get the 50% custody - he basicaly bought it. At the time of their divorce, she actually was earning slightly more than him.
If it has been more than 2yrs
If it has been more than 2yrs then he should be able to file for a modification of CS. This should have nothing to do with the custody agreement so he should retain 50/50 and have a shot at stopping CS.
Why should someone have to pay to see their child or have 50/50 custody?
The law in most states is very clear. Visitation and CS are separate and visitation can not be withheld due to CS issues.
I am the CSP married to the CP who received CS for 17+ years. I would love to drag my Skid's SpermIdiot through the ringer for more money and make him even more destitute than he has made himself. However, even as the CSP I can see that NCPs get hosed by the system. NCPs with 50/50 get hosed even more than NCPs with some other visitation regimen.
All IMHO of course.
If their incomes are
If their incomes are comparable And they have 50/50 why does he pay her cs? If he makes more, the 275 isn't going into an account for sd to use as she wishes, it's going to pay for a home etc. I do agree that unless outlined otherwise, cs should cover dresses etc.
My advice is to pay what is
My advice is to pay what is court ordered.
If Extrat currics are court ordered, then pay them. If they're not, then don't.