Firt time venter
Hi all,
This is my first time on the site, found you all in a moment of need through a google search. I'm not really sure where to start. I just felt really alone and needed to find some support. I am a SM to a SS21 and SD16. MY DH is my second marriage, obviously his second marriage as well. I have no biological children. My issue at hand is SD lives in another state with her BM. BM hates me and has made it her mission in life to do whatever she can to keep her kids from forming a relationship with me, especially with my SD. SD was supposed to come visit us for her spring break and chose not to so she could celebrate her 16th birthday with friends. SD notified her BF of her decision in an email. I encouraged him to call and talk to her about it and not set the precedent of communication through email only. He never called her or acknowledged the situation at all and now it appears SD is not speaking to her BF in any way, not responding to texts, calls, emails etc. BF is obviously upset and I feel helpless. I have no relationship with my SD. Her BM has blocked me from SD email, instant message and SD never returns my calls or texts.
I feel helpless, I don't know how to help my DH with his relationship with his daughter when I don't even have a relationship with her. I don't know if I should keep my mouth shut or tell him to call her more. I hate it that her BM appears to have all the control over the situation and seems to be successful in poisoning SD against her BF and me.
Ugh I could go on and on but feel I should keep my first post brief. I do feel better just reading all of your posts and knowing I'm not the only one who is frustrated.
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Comments
I'm a little confused. When
I'm a little confused. When you say BF, is that SD's BF? He lives in a different state? What does your DH have to say about all of this? Can we get some more information about your situation? IE - custody, child support, visitation, etc. Sorry for the questions but if we have the story we might be able to help you better
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Sorry for the confusion, I'm
Sorry for the confusion, I'm still learning the abbreviations.
BF is biological father = my DH
DH and I live in GA, SD and BM in AZ
DH and BM have "shared custody" but this is a joke since we are a thousand miles apart.
The divorce decree says DH gets SD for fall break, spring break, 6 wks in the summer, then every other Thanksgiving / Christmas. DH could have forced her to come out for her spring break but our thought was what purpose will that really serve? To have her pissed off and sullen with us for a week? DH pays a ridiculous amount of child support. BM never worked even after the kids were in school. I'm all for her focusing on the children but from what I can tell she was more interested in having coffee with her girlfriends and watching Oprah every afternoon.
Feel free to ask more questions.
It definitely sounds like a
It definitely sounds like a good old case of parental alienation but may I ask why DH didn't call her? Him not trying is probably just fueling the PAS flames.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
DH not calling her is what I
DH not calling her is what I am struggling with too. The BM is one thing and trying to convince myself not to obsess over how manipulative and selfish she is can be a full time job for me. But I struggle most with how my DH is handling this. My speculation over why he didn't call SD is because he didn't know what to say. I love him dearly but he has a big, sensitive ego and wants to be the center of everyone's world. The fact that she didn't want to come see him crushed him and then probably made him mad. He didn't want to tell her how he really feels because he doesn't want to have a confrontation with her. I am not sure how common it is but he seems to feel such guilt over the failure of his first marriage. Not because he seems to give a rat's behind about the ex wife but because he hurt the kids. So he never seems to want to truly parent them, he wants to be their friend.
You have probably heard all this a million times before. But it helps to vent!
StepAside you said something
StepAside you said something to me today that I never thought about. This whole time I have been thinking if I don't push him to fight for his child he will resent me later for NOT pushing him on this. It never occurred to me he might resent me because I DID push him. You gave me a lot to think about and I really appreciate it! On a positive note, we did take a trip last week for 4 days and ate and laid by a pool and drank lots of wine. It was wonderful! It was coming back home and knowing that she was supposed to be there and SD wasn't even talking to him or returning his texts that got me all sucked back in to the drama and worry of it. Blah!
All I can say is I am so glad I found this site. I haven't gotten a damn thing done at work today but I feel so much better hearing from people who have walked in my shoes and survived. Thank you for sharing your wisdom earned from experience. Keep it coming!
How long have you been
How long have you been together? What were the kids like towards you when they were younger?
Divorce Related Malicious
Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrom (DRMMS)
Did venting help you feel better? It certainly does with most of us S-Talkers.
Welcome to the community. I hope you find a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice.
This link is to an article on Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrom (DRMMS) which is a subset of PAS.
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/turkat95.htm
Best Regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Oh my gosh, Rags, I thought
Oh my gosh, Rags, I thought that was something witty you came up with! I had no idea it's real... damn!
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
We have only been married 6
We have only been married 6 months. We dated for a year and 4 months before we got married. My SD was already living out of state with BM when I started dating my DH. So that definitely plays a role in my relationship with my SD16. I have only spent 9 weeks total with her over approx. 2 years.
I think you should talk to
I think you should talk to your husband about how he feels, if he's willing. Offer to listen and help him if he wants it. If not, them I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. He's got to decide to handle it before you can help him figure out how to handle it.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Thanks to all for the
Thanks to all for the helpful words today. I wish everyone a great weekend!