Can’t put a finger on it
So, it looks - at this stage - like DH and I might be on the verge of entering a time of going through a trial separation.
Over the years, SO much has happened. So many dramas, so many fights, so much bitter gossip between so many parties, so much counselling.......
And as this chapter looks like it might be coming to a close, I have found myself sitting and doing a lot of reflection.
Which brings me to this question: what exactly was it, that I disliked most about my SS? Well..... it's hard to put a finger on it. But I have seen people on this site make comments before, about finding their stepkids irksome, for inexplicable reasons.
I have been with DH for nearly 12 years. When I first met him, SS was 6 years old. And for some unknown reason, when he was around, I felt agitated, on edge, and there was a knot of tension in my stomach. And I could never really come up with an explanation as to why.....
Does this, or did this ever happen to YOU?
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SD22 & SD15
SD22 Feral Forger, yes I always felt like that. Because she has so many negative qualities, and I have seen that she got those qualities from her mother, Toxic Troll.
Lies, manipulations, rude, lash out quickly and easily, plays the victim.
SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin - well I thought she was different. But she is a lot nicer and definitely more respectful. Now that Im not trying to "mom" her.
I'm sorry you are going through all that. Ive thought about separation many many times. There is still a lot I have to process, and things are good enough.
Separation
I bet there's not a married couple in the world who hasn't thought about a split at some point, I know I did, many times. Especially in a step situation. What I did was prepare myself in case it happened. I got a decent full-time job with benefits. I went back to school to get a degree so I'd qualify for higher pay. I don't know how much of this was conscious but. whatever, just the act of deciding to do those things tben taking the steps to accomplish them was helpful. It felt like I had more control over my life. As the time passed, things would ease up here and we would have the a little reprieve before the next SK crisis. Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually, they all left, one by one.
Feeling empathy for you. Step life is hard.
Never felt comfortable
Around Bratty. I don't think I ever will to be honest but she is older and out of the house, so a bit different.
He's half BM, like someone
He's half BM, like someone from the enemy camp has infiltrated your home.
This right here. SD was
This right here. SD was always a spy for BM. I thought long and hard about why it was different with her than with any other kid. Why did I dislike her so much but I was perfectly fine with my nieces and nephews and friends kids? A big part of it is what SD represented. Another big part is that whenever step kids are around the step parent is watched and judged in a way that just doesn't happen around niece's nephew's and your friend's kids. As a step parent you're always being judged for doing too much too little acting too cold too warm etc... Basically whenever SD was around I couldn't be myself and that's what caused that tension for me.
I get this m'aam
You may have been on edge for the very reason I was. The skid did not want me breathing. I am sure if we were standing by a cliff she would've pushed me, that is IF I didnt beat her to it. Often we pick up on the vibes we get from people and respond accordingly. Its a way of survival.
I made it to the other side, I have an ex DH and ex SD. Best feeling ever to write EX.
I am never as relaxed or
I am never as relaxed or happy when SD is here and she is a really good kid compared to so many I read about on here. I think its becuase when she is here I am being watched by DH. Its like I have to watch my facial experessions (God forbid I roll my eyes), my tone (becuase God forbid I say something in a harsh tone or as DH once said "I am so quick to answer"), the food I cook ( I can't make something she might not like or make something for us we like and something for her becuase I guess DH thinks that would make her feel excluded form something). I am with both of them under this roof on the weekends she is here but yet feel alone most of the time because if I even try to be with DH one-on-one for just a small amount of time she feels the need to be inthe room too. She hears and sees everything that goes on in this house. She is 1/2 her mother. And like one person said " It's what she represents". He spent 17 years with another woman and after that had to pay her 8 years of alimony all becuase she pushed this child out.
I think every one has their
I think every one has their own take on Skid relationships. For me, when I met DH, his kids were SS8 and SD a few days old. I had my own 3 Bio's that all lived with me. I really tried my hardest to be a good role model for his kids. I included them in everything and went out of my way to treat them with love and patience. I may have overdone it at times. I would make it a point to always dress them to the nines. BM spent every red cent of CS on herself and would send those kids to our house looking like homeless kids. Whenever we went out as a family of 7, everyone looked neat, well dressed, presentable. Even the in laws noticed. They would say things like "I've never seen those kids look so good." As they got older, they started displaying behaviors that began to irk me. They would destroy the furniture, they would write on their dressers with permanent markers, they would mistreat my youngest Bio. SS would say things like "Why does he have so many video games?" Or "Why does he have so many clothes?" Always my reply would be "Because he is my priority, my kids get what they need and I do without. That's what moms do." Yes it was passive aggressive and a direct shot at the POS they had for a mom. They would open every single carton of juice, every box of cereal, they would eat becaise the food was there, not because they were hungry. They wasted food like no tomorrow. I really started to dread EOW. Eventually, I just disengaged. I would make plans with friends and leave for the whole day every time they were there. DH would be stuck with them and he didn't like that very much. He had to do everything for them and he noticed that I was pulling the invisible act. LOL...I survived them. I am thankful they are grown and out of our lives. We only see SS once in a while but he calls his dad often. SD is MIA. We haven't seen her since 2014. She will be 21 in 2 months and CS will end and then that chapter will also be closed. I'm glad we survived the skids because I really love my DH. He is a beautiful human being and I can't imagine growing old without him.