We had a bit of a reprieve last weekend, because she wanted to go to a sleep over and all that nonsense. SO is a puss bag, so he wouldn't tell the grand high seahag that it was his weekend, per his "new leaf" to have more structured visit times, and that she needed to come over and do the sleep over a different weekend. Yay me. I just don't want her in my house, and the closer we get to this baby coming...the less I feel like pretending. I'm more uncomfortable with this pregnancy than I was with the last and there have been so many problems with the little peanut, so my patience is really limited. The mortality of my own little one has been thrown in my face more times than I can count, and not just by our own doctors...but family friend's who've landed in NICU and other scary situations with their preemie. I don't want to pretend to care about her BS story babbling and say, "Oh - that sounds great." There's not enough energy in me right now to sit and listen to. "My mom my mom my mom" or "Daddy, can you come to this and this and this and this and I'm doing this when you pay for it...etc" I'm sick of faking a relationship with a little girl that I really have no interest in participating in. I honestly am having the most difficulty because EVERYONE, my parents included, think I need to be involved and CARE. I cannot care. I do not care. My anger may seem to say, "You care MissE, you need to let go," but in reality, I am exhausted from the show. I don't want to pretend anymore. I shouldn't have started in the beginning, because now anything I do that's less than before makes me out to be a heinous bitch...and SO says he gets it, but he never will. That's his "baby girl" and it will NEVER be ok that I don't really want her in my life.

I am getting enveloped into this situation and I'm starting to feel trapped. Two beautiful children for SO and myself, and his daughter with the GHSH and I'm supposed to want her around...and I don't. I am absolutely not saying that our kids are better than their daughter, I am saying that I want my kids around me all the time and I love and adore them. I think they're the best and I could never and will never want any other child the way I want my own. I can't even look at her like a niece or friend's daughter, because she is a mini version of her mother and her face makes me angry. When my brother has children, I will be the Auntie and spoil them rotten. I can't compartmentalize her there.

The more time I have with my boy(s), the less I feel like this is the right thing to do. SO is talking marriage and has asked my dad's permission for that step. My parents aren't aware of my increased suffocation and they told him they support that choice...so I feel like SO thinks he has the green light to make this "family" situation happen. And, for a while...I thought I wanted him to "put a ring on it" but now I feel like the walls are closing in. I used to think the commitment would make me feel better, not sure why. I will be forever bonded with him regardless of whether or not I choose to make it legal, but now it just seems like I've forced myself into a cage. I love him, I truly do, but I'm looking at what I'm saying "yes" to and wondering how to make it into a situation I'm comfortable with. Is that normal? Should I be sitting down and talking to him once and for all about all the issues I feel we have, and trying to settle them before we plan a future? Or should I just let him be him and maybe cut ties. I also feel like my hormones may be talking and maybe I just need to sit back and look at this objectively...maybe I'm over thinking a lot of things and assuming there are pressures there that there aren't.

I'm all over the place, can you tell? Help! I need to be brought into reality.