It took a little while but it has ended. See here is how the story goes...

A few weeks ago there was an altercation - it went like this:

ss3 fell down the last few steps on the flight of stairs. sd5 saw this and ran to get help since he was crying. I was in the next room, heard it and had started heading that direction to investigate. sd went to get sd9 who was in the room next to me. We both were equal distance to the scene of the accident. It is a proven fact that sd9 ends up being caretaker to her sibs when they are at BM's because there is no supervision and sd9 is the oldest child to be playing with them outside and wherever they are. If you read my previous posts sd9 has a big job to do since BM's home is in fact a death trap. They had just come back a day or two prior and sd5 was still in the mode of running to sd9 for help. So I ended up intervening before sd9 could even get there. I check ss3 out, hes ok - scared more than anything and then i turn to sd5 and tell her (exact words) "sd9 is not ss3's mom, it is not her job to take care of him so in these situations you need to get me or dad to help him. sd9 can't do anything for him if he is hurt."

Fast forward to two weeks later when they see BM again. Apparently it came up in conversation and the way sd5/ss3 relayed the information was that I said that I was ss3's mom and it was my job to take care of him. So BM sends home a message in the form of telling sd15 (who happened to actually go for this trip) to tell me the following:

~I am NOT their mother, I never will be and I am not to have them refer to me as such.

BWAHAHAHA ok FAILURE. No problem. I tell sd15 that she can relay to BM the following:

~If BM has any issues with this particular situation or my parenting techniques in general she can definitely feel free to bring that up to me at the next drop off however I would not be discussing her wishes thru sd15 because I am an adult and prefer to talk face to face.

Sd15 tells me she told BM after she asked her to relay the message that I have NEVER said I was their mother and in fact had sat each of them - her and sd9 down and told them right off the bat that I am not their mom, never will be, and have no intentions of trying to replace her. I tell sd15 that I am of the belief that everyone gets a mom, only 1 and that everyone's mom gets the choice to be a great mom or a shitty mom and that it is that persons choice to decide what they will be. I told her that is true of my mom, her mom and anyone else's. I then told her that I have NO interest in sharing that spot with BM because I would much rather take my credit and my mark as a FANTASTIC step-mom than mom any day. Everyone gets a mom. Shitty or not. Not everyone gets a step mom because that job is one of the hardest I can think of! I told her that I pave PLENTY of way for BM to make her mark for the type of mom she is/wants to be. sd15 laughs cuz she knows.

Ironic part. BM lives with Dingus and his 3 kids. They all call her mom because Dingus has custody. Sd9 thinks this is perfectly acceptable but couldn't IMAGINE regarding me as a mom because of how it would make BM feel!! I pointed out the hypocrisy of this but it did not register. sd15 is annoyed by the double standard. BM reminds her that I am NOT step mom because FDH and I aren't married yet but in the next breath has skids call Dingus's children step brothers! Dingus told her flat out he will never get married to her! (Dingus was with his children's BM for 16 years and refused to marry her - sweetie he wont marry your ass! He hates your kids and wouldn't even marry the mother of his OWN children!) Can you say double standards boys and girls? It really burns my butt. I will be the better person though.

FDH snorts when he hears all this. He says well if she doesn't want you to be mom than maybe she should step up and actually be one to them. Until then she can shut the fuck up. I tell FDH I have a hard time taking orders from a Mom that sees her kids 96 hours a month. I told FDH that I would love to see her try and say something to me because I will calmly tell her she has no say in anything in my home ever and that she can talk all the shit she wants for her 4 days a month and that the other 27 days I will be busy not giving a fuck. I will ask her who and what army will she be bringing to enforce her rules or feelings? That she lost the privilege of calling the shots and if she wants ANYTHING to go well for her that she should probably shut her mouth, return to her van and continue to play nice with me. I don't care if anybody disagrees with this ideal. I have given over my life to caring for these kids more than FDH and BM combined. God himself will be the only person telling me what to do with them and a little input from FDH is cool too.

FDH says the kids can call me whatever they want, BM will have a fit either way and that not one person here cares what she thinks besides sd9 and honestly, we don't really care what sd9 thinks about the situation either. We are people who are very much of the mindset that kids thoughts and ideas are important to be validated but that in the end grand scheme of things whatever we choose they will have no say in. We are the parents. They are children. We care for them and about them but their say impacts nothing and we do not spend time worrying about and obsessing over issues of self esteem, their wants, their feelings. It annoys me when people say "I'm going to march right down to xyz's school and give them a piece of my mind because a teacher did this or that. 50 years ago it wasn't questioned whether deserved or not, and we didn't have a generation of ungrateful little brats running around.

Example: Sd15's bus driver called her a whore for some unknown reason. She told the principal and anyone else who would listen. Said that he would be calling blah blah blah. She expected us to be SHOCKED and TERRIBLY UPSET! Running to her rescue. I simply asked if she had any idea why this happened. She didn't. I told her that wow that was uncalled for and I bet it hurt her feelings and I was sorry it did. I didn't march anywhere. We didn't follow up with the principal. Its been 3 weeks and she has all but forgotten it. I validated her feelings without giving the incident too much credit. Life sucks. Its hard, people are unfair. Get over it. By golly I have one very resilient batch of kids! A family friend's kid was being mean to sd5 and made her cry. SD9 called her out, offered her some solutions and never said a word to us about it. She just walked away. Didn't turn into a screaming fighting break up kids hard feelings match. She stood up for her sister in a laid back calm way then moved on.

Back on topic. BM can pound sand. This is my world and if being the only one called almighty MOM is so super important to her - let her have it, because her hollow name is just a shitty reminder of what they ended up with for a "Mom" and it will stay with them for the rest of their lives.