I never had a blog before but then I have never been a Step Mother before either.

Every day it seems, there is some new issue or stress. I need an outlet.

All responses are welcome but I ask you to keep in mind that some days I don't do so well and can be pretty sad and sensitive.

I don't want to start at the beginning - I might have time/energy one day but not today so I will just start with today and what is going on.

BM and DH weren't finished when I met DH. Sepaated for 2 years yes but still doing the dance. I still live with the leftovers of that. I didn't know and I checked but DH lied to me. I stayed. I could see how much power she had over him but by then, leaving hurt too much and I was a coward. I had fallen in love and I thought we could get through.

The thing is, all the landmines in our marriage are connected to this one big lie. They still affect me and so my marriage has become a bit of a nightmare. We are in counselling and it is helping but it is also kind of dangerous if you know what I mean. Getting all this stuff out - sometimes it feels like we won't make it.

I found out this morning that DH offerered a random sports Mum that her kid (12) could come home with SS(12) to help her out so she didn't have to take her son to sports. She rang this morning and accepted his invitation which he hadn't mentioned to me. I asked DH to check first before offering my services (which he did last week with BM - see "BM has plans" in Discussion Forum). I don't take much part in their sports because it causes BM to act badly when she sees me. So again I feel like I am not a part of the family, just the babysitter/cleaner/cook/washer woman.

At one level, I don't mind at all looking after someone's child. On the other, I keep being put in a position where I have to ask to be consulted or respected. As soon as I do that, I become the selfish nasty one - not part of the team.

So two days ago, BM left a bag of SSs sports gear on our doorstep. Keep in mind that this woman has been trying to take the children away from DH ever since he met me. Sure, she has been quiet lately but when I went to sports at the weekend, I knew there were going to be repercussions. She somehow managed to get DH scoring the game and unbeknown to us, had become the team coach for the day. So there I was. Thinking I was going to sit with DH and watch the boys play a game. Instead, I watched DH/BM working together "for their son" while I wasn't involved at all - just sat there like a gooseberry. I said I didn't want to go any more if that was going to be the situation. I so want to be part of DH's life and become involved but I really don't want to go along and be watching him and her working hard together while I sit like an outsider. It will make me more lonely - just the opposite of what I was trying to feel by going along. He couldn't see that.

O- and he was very sick that day of sports. Except while he was there he wasn't sick at all. He had passion and enthisiasm and energy until he got home and was too sick to help with housework.

Another thing that got to me was that he kept looking back at SSs and BM as we left. Maybe 20 times. He never looks back at me after he says goodbye to me.

Somehow,even though DH and I were standing close to each other, she strode up to him and managed to place herself between us.

I don't think I am ready to take her on because I don't think DH sees and I know that I am still badly affected by the past.

About this bag. I didn't know she was dropping it. At one level, it is so innocent. But I am now scared to open my door and find her on my doorstep. I wouldn't go to her house up to her front door without her knowing. DH says that if we ask her to tell us she is coming to drop something, we are just feeding the beast. He says I will look paranoid.

Well I am. Who can blame me after all she has done. He spends a lot of effort not letting her become his victim. I said to him this morning that it is reasonable to ask a person to tell us if they are coming onto our property - that goes for anyone, let alone someone who hates me. I pointed out that a passerby could have taken the bag (we live close to the street). He sees that as a reason to ask her not to do that but doesn't want to tell her that I don't want her to be at my house without knowing. I can see that maybe he is trying to protect me from her scorn ("what's wrong with your wife - all I was doing was dropping my BSs bag for goodness sake" kind of reaction) but I don't care. Or am I wrong? I have read many things on this site that makes me think that ignoring it might be best. But how can I ignore it? It affects me. It is an invasion. I don't want it.

I know I shouldn't stoop or react but I don't want to open my door and there she is. Yesterday I spent the day wondering if she was just outside and the doorbell rang a moment ago and I felt like it might be her. It was a courier.