SS is starting to compare homes and work the different houses to his advantage
So, my 7year old SS takes Karate lessons with a friend of ours. This friend is also a friend of the BM. Well, I recently learned that our SS told her that he feels like a baby at our house. This made me feel very heavy, because really I feel we enforce typical parenting approaches for a 7 year old. Unfortunately at mom's he can pretty much do as he likes. Get food, watch tv, play video games, all on his own schedule. This little 7 year old boy is "man of the house" at his mom's house. (BM lives with sister in law and her two nieces). I hate that the kiddo sees it that way at our house. I'm so scared that the skids will prefer being with mom because they get to do what they want there. I know logically why they prefer that, and I know I am doing what is best for them, but it still hurts my feelings.
Also, I learned that the 7 year old SS has learned how to continue to do as he wishes, as long as he doesn't get caught by our household. He is very behind in reading, and the teacher said he should really be getting library books (they go to the library every friday), that are level appropriate. He had been getting these big chapter books that were beyond him that he ended up not making use of, because at our house we have big chapter books we are already reading together as a family. Well, he learned to just not bring the book to our house when he gets it, wait till he is at mom's house, then bring it to her house. And now they just get lost in her house, and we get notices about them being late. I don't know how to address this with him. Because we can't talk to the BM about enforcing him getting age appropriate books, because she fights with us on every school issue we try to talk to her about. (She takes it as we are questioning her ability to parent, no matter what it is). ARG!!!
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Wow, this takes me back.....
Wow, this takes me back..... when my SD17 was 7, I discovered she could NOT read. Long story short, BM was actually doing all her homework for her b/c she didn't want to "fight" with SD to get the work done. SD did not learn to read until she was about 9. The school finally discovered the problem, and corrected it, but it took a while.
Any child is going to want to be witht he parent who is "easiest". SDs always did like being with BM b/c they would tell her what they were/were not going to do. Unmedicated BPDs have a really hard time enforcing rules and setting boundaries, so I am sure that's what is going on. However, stay consistent in YOUR household b/c children need that whether they like it or not.
I have a solution to the i
I have a solution to the i forgot the book, drive back and get it , if the drive is not too far, if its lost, go get another one...or just contact his teacher and have a direct line of communication with them and get a second copy of his books to stay at your house. There are many tactics you can use to make him read, and if its just plain practicing any book will do. I'm sure there is a library near your house?
My dh had the same issue with his son, he would 'forget' book at moms...its a 3 hour drive back and forth, so of course we couldn't get it...so i would take out TONS of other books to read and make it longer and twice the work since he forgot his. After a while of doubling up the load and telling him no computer games or Playstation he got the hint and started to bring his stuff.
They do compare households
They do compare households and that's okay.
Our BM is similar to yours in that SS12 and SS7 pretty much do as they please. They are able to play video games whenever they want and have later bedtimes at her house. SS12 is given a lot of responsibility at BM’s, for example, she allows SS12 to babysit SS7 when she goes out at night.
BUT this is beginning to back-fire on BM. SS12 sees BM as his equal and she's been having a horrible time getting him to listen when she tries to parent him. And SS7 is now modeling SS12's behavior as well.
We on the other hand have house rules and are consistent with enforcement. SSons know that at our house they are the kids and we are the adults; and adults are in charge. DH and I aren't having the type of problems that BM is having. The boys behave differently with us because they know we won't tolerate it the way BM does.
Kids need rules and boundaries. As much as my SSons try to argue about our rules, I think deep down the boys realize that they need rules because the boys live without rules at BM’s house. My SSons can see the difference first hand. Things at our house are more regulated but that leads to less arguments.
As for the library books - If they are checked out on your library card I wouldn't allow SS to take the to BM's house. I would just tell SS that Library books are to stay at your house so they can be returned on time. Or you could deduct the overdue charges from SS's allowance or birthday money (if he doesn't get an allowance). I'd have him return the books with you and pay the fine himself.~Just my 2 cents.
~BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
and I would answer that with
and I would answer that with "well its not YOUR money!" when he starts paying for it, he'll not let the books leave your home.
Library Materials When we
Library Materials
When we picked SSons up for our week of vacation this summer SS7 brought a bunch of library materials along. All of the library materials were checked out on BM's library card.
DH and I were careful and made sure all of the library materials were dropped off with our SSons after our vacation.
Well a month later BM calls, in a panic, and tells DH that he has to return the library materials SS7 took on vacation because they are overdue. She said SS7 said they were at our house.
Dh knew better and told her he dropped them off with the boys and they were in X bag with Y writing on it. She calls back the next day to tell us she found the library materials in the bag, SS7 had thrown them in his closet or something.
Since then no library materials have been sent with the boys.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
Library books - After a
Library books - After a month of reminding SS6 that he left his library book over at BM's house and needs to get it, DH finally called her. SS knew exactly where it was he just kept forgetting to bring it back. His library day at the school library is when he is with us.
Needless to say, his library books will no longer be going to BM's house. His school doesn't charge fines, he just isn't allowed to get a new book if he doesn't return the other.
If it's the school library, talk to the teacher and ask her that the books don't go home with SS on BM days. Make sure they go to your house and don't let them leave there. If that doesn't work, maybe SS doesn't need to check books out while at school. Take him on your own time and make sure they don't disappear. There's one thing I've taught my skids that their mom didn't, a love and respect for books and libraries.
So for the first time in a month, SS was finally able to get a new library book. He brought home the coolest book on Dinosaurs. Without even realizing it, the whole family was gathered around the table looking at it together Friday night for like an hour. Books are so awesome!
Let them compare...they
Let them compare...they won't fully understand just how much further ahead they were at YOUR household...Its not easy. I have told my wife that SD has been playing bot her AND her BD...but they both continue to overcompensate and have blinders on. Its sad really, but you can only do so much. As is my case I have other children I need to worry about...I support my wife, but i've been honest that I don't agree with how she's handling it (behind closed doors of course). Unfortunately guilt does nothing to help...so be the heavy and know that you are doing what a PARENT should be doing! At least thats my take on it! Good Luck!
My SS is 10 and has been
My SS is 10 and has been comparing houses for years. I worry sometimes that he will eventually want to stay with his mom but I know DH would never allow it. Since SS was 7 he has been allowed to do as his pleases at his moms, play video games, eat whatever whenever, and go to bed whenever he wants (normally after midnight). Since SS was 7 BM has had a HORRIBLE time disciplining him. He gets a nasty attitude with her and fights her on EVERYTHING. His school work has been showing a problem, and this year his teacher actually is paying attention and has informed us that yes there is a huge difference in SS when he is with his mom. So when BM asked us to change schedules to help her at work, and it meant having SS during the week, every week we couldn't say no. We have had him for 3 weeks now and his grades have been improving, no more missing assignments, and his teacher has noticed that he isn't such a shit in school. However since he isn't at his moms long enough to get his attitude out he has been a shit at our house. I actually had to get on his case a little last night. I was doing spelling with him and 2 seconds after he spelled a work correctly he forgot it. I asked how come he couldn't remember that from 2 seconds ago and his response was "sorry" it was dripping in sarcasm and I went off on him. I threatened to make him write his words 500 times the next time he ever responded like that. And I let him know that he wasn't going to be playing video games or watching any tv last night so really he shouldn't have anything distracting him. Sometimes it is so irritating that has been allowed to get this way all because his mom wants to be his friend.