Communicating with Xs
Being new here, I was surprised at the vast differences in opinions about X communication: anywhere to feeling comfortable with a husband sleeping on the x's couch to having no communication at all and believing that the husband's new wife ruined the relationship between a father and his children. The first thing that I would like to say is DIVORCE ruins relationships within a family not new spouses. Although there are certainly justifiable reasons for divorce, to think that relationships will be easy has got to be a myth. The X-wife has a responsibility to respect the new wife whether or not she approves. The relationship between Xs in my opinion is strictly business. There should be no small talk or even talk about small health problems etc with an X unless its facts like "he needs his medicine 3x daily or he has a doctor's appointment at this time etc. Your new husband or wife should be making decisions with you and you should be able to discuss all these issues with them. Maybe everyone has their own way of doing things and if it works, great! But no marriage/family was intented to have two moms/dads etc for the every day decisions. One man for one woman! There's no need to be bitter, but being unlikeable to your X and his or her family and friends is ok. We are not going to be liked by everyone. There are so many people and resources in this world to partake in, why would you want to spend time on past relationships. Your X is not a part of your family and more. A divorce is a contract, a business relationship ... nothing more.
- mcyndy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
W
W
And don't forget
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
the in-laws who suddenly elevate the ex to saint status! One minute my in-laws are trashing DH's ex and the next she's Mother Teresa! Grrrrrr!!
we just got in a HUGE fight over this issue
for the 15 time..... I'm so sick of him and his ex disrespecting ME. Ive tried to explane to him that I do respect that "business" does need to be taken care of.(ss lives out of state and he calls him twice a week,wednesday and sundays, religously) and I feel those are the 2 days (with exceptions of emergencies only) that they can talk if need be,I asked him why the next 5 days can't be for ME? I'm sick of vacations ,holidays,MY weekends ect,ect are ruined because of her dumb ass calling when ever she feels like for un-nesessary crap. and he doesn't get it why this bothers me, she called a few weeks ago on a sat. night to tell him SS might have to have a tooth pulled and she couldn't find a in-network provider for insurance, this could of been handeled the next night on sunday when he calls SS, but he answered the phone and proceeded to wreck MY saturday night by contuning the conversation ,what the hell NOT A DAMN THING COULD OF BEEN HANDLED ON A SATURDAY NIGHT????.it was not an emergencie. If my own husband doesn't respect me why should she?????? am I being to selfish I want 5 days with peace and quiet,I feel I deserve THAT MUCH?? I didn't talk to him for 5 days.
I AGREE!
Well, lets see...I am new at this, but I really need someone to talk to and your situation sounds just like mine! I was married in July of 2008 and the "drama" never stops with the biological mom. I get so fustrated at least once a week, because she is a narcissitic person and her life is not fulfilled unless she causes my husband and myself trouble.
My husband has been seperated from her in 2005 when she had an affair on him and divorced in 2006. They have been sharing custody 50/50 since the beginning. My husband told her when they seperated he would always take care of everything for the boys. This was a huge mistake. I get so tired of her calling. She makes things up just to call him and we have gotten so tired of it. She has even gotten to the point to where she calls him at work and my husband thinks it is a customer. We have told her numerous times to stop and she will not. It's like she is still in love with him and she can't stand it if she goes an hour without talking to him. HELP!!!!
Our new drama is...She was fired from her job-(take into consideration she has been fired from about 5 jobs in the past 3 years) and has decided she cannot find a job and doesn't want to work. She has decided to go to DSS get foodstamps and have DSS take us to court to pay her $400.00 a month in child support for 2 kids, after we pay for everything anyway! This whole situation is so irritating and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I have only been married for a little over 6 months and I am ready to thrown in the towel. My husband is the best man you will ever meet, but it is truly bringing me down. It is making me a very bitter person and I feel like I am going to lose it!
I do not have anyone else to talk to and really need some good advice. I have prayed and prayed, but the drama continues....HELP!!!
Keep praying
Prayer is the foundation. No one can change anything on their own. We all need Godly intervention. Don't give up. How old are your stepsons? Maybe if she does file for SSD that could later be used for you to get custody of the boys. Is that something you and your husband have considered? Maybe he could ask for a new extension at work so she couldn't call directly. If she goes through a receptionist he could ask the receptionist to make take a message. Maybe you and your husband could get some help from a counseler or someone at church to help set boundaries and how to deal with it if she crosses them. It sounds like he lets her get away with stuff out of guilt of not being there for his boys. If he initiated the divorce that only ads to his "perceived" guilt. Remember, every time you feel hurt, angry or frustrated, talk to God first before you talk to your husband.
I guess we are lucky on that
subject. My dh x-girlfriend (BM)does not like him or me.
She used to call him off and on and discuss things about sd until she found out we got married.
Then she went into hatred and attack mode on both of us.
BUT if it were not. She is the x and would be treated as such. Period.
It would be as it is now. He talks to his daughter.... and has no interest in talking to her. He caught on long ago that whenever she talked to him - it was to lie to get more money. So she messed that up on her ignorant own actions.
My situation is the same
we hve little contact with BM (H x-girlfriend). He talks to her about schedule changes maybe 1x amonth. She texts when she is angry about a lie SD told, thats about it. At school activies/sports in summer we sit on the other side of the room/field from each other. It is best this way for us.
You are TOTALLY correct!
You are TOTALLY correct! Divorce is an ugly thing. It's not supposed to be pretty and politically correct. Just the nature of divorce mandates that some toes are going to have to be stepped on and some feelings are going to have to be hurt. My DW and her ex-husband don't do the convo thing. When he calls to speak to the kids, it's more or less my DW picking up the phone and saying "hey, hold on". Or if he calls to speak about an issue with the kids, they keep it strictly business and don't wander off in small talk. I know when she and I were dating, it took an adjustment for her ex to realize that he can't just call whenever and however many times he wanted to. It was a hard pill for him to swallow. But again, some toes have to be stepped on. That's just the nature of the beast that is divorce.
"Being a step-parent is a lesson in humility & passivity....Yeah, I think that's a class I'm gonna SKIP!!!!" :0)
I think everyone has their
I think everyone has their own limits on how much communication is appropriate. In my case I put up with a lot of communication mostly via email but the trouble came when my DH started to hide the emails and lying when he communicated with her. I read several emails by snooping and some in my opinion weren't about the kids. This destroyed my trust for him and we almost divorced over it. I think if I received the respect I deserved from both BM and my DH in the beginning I don't think the communication would bother me as much. Now they don't email but only talk on the phone which isn't much.
In my case the only time the
In my case the only time the ex called was when she was trying to manipulate DH in some way. She quickly learned that this was not working anymore (after DH told her no repeatedly for about two years). Now she really has no reason to call. It's perfect.