SD cosleeps at BM, now she can’t sleep at our place
SO and I moved in together recently. I have a 6 yr old daughter who’s been sleeping in her own room since she was 6 mo old. SD is 5 yrs old and has always co-slept, shared bed with BM, and with SO until we came in the picture.
DD and SD were sharing a room up until August when we had and issue with SD. At night she would throw a fit asking for BM, saying she didn’t want to sleep in their room, that she hated this house because BM and SO weren’t sleeping with her. A little side note, they haven’t been together for over 3 years. It got to the point to where SO had to sleep in a different room with her. I guess to solve the issue of us sleeping in separate rooms I agreed to cosleeping with SD. With the 3 of us it was fine, but DD is here most of the time so on the nights they are here together it was the 4 of us in one bed. I didn’t think DD would be ok with her being left out of this sleeping arrangement. It was miserable sharing a bed with 2 kids and SO.
In November, BM went out of town for 10 days and SD stayed with us. SO knews I wasn’t ok with the sleeping arrangement therefore we agreed to have the girls sleep on an air mattress. It had worked since both kids where here for that time, and SD felt better sleeping next to DD. I told SO once SD is out of our bed we need to stick with it, and he agreed. Last night was the first time SD stayed over without DD since October. SO we did the regular routine (after reminding SO of our talk to keep SD out of of bed). She was NOT happy, again she threw a tantrum, asking for BM, crying until she fell asleep in our bed. It made me really upset, I actually left the bed and slept in a different room.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation as now SO sees this like I’m not being supportive. We have different views sleeping with kids. I would be ok with DD, and SD sleeping with us once in a while, but twice a week is too much, and by age 5 I firmly believe SD should be able to sleep by herself
any suggestions on what to do with SD?
- may005's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
While it might be OK for bio
While it might be OK for bio parents to co-sleep with a child, it is not appropriate for a stepparent who is not comfortable with it to be forced to share a bed with an unrelated child. Especially one who is already 5 years old. Your SO needs to get that through his head and change his point of view.
You need to get SD out of your bed, and your SO needs to get on board with that. The only question is whether you go cold turkey and ignore her while she tantrums and cries herself to sleep, or whether you come up with some way to wean her into her own room. When my SO and I moved in together, both his 4 and 2 year olds were sleeping with him, and we took the cold turkey route. However, they slept in their own bed together (kind of like your DD and SD were), which made it easier. They slept together for a couple months, but now they now sleep in separate rooms, and go to their own beds in their own rooms without a problem. There were numerous times at the beginning when we had to put them back in their own beds and deal with some whining and crying before we got to that point, though.
Yes, she needs to be out. I
Yes, she needs to be out. I figured with her already sleeping in a different bed, but still in the same room would make it easier when DD isn’t here.
When they moved in thought, she announced she didn’t want her own room. I’m afraid she’ll go back to not wanting to come over if we go cold turkey. SO gets very emotional too when she starts asking for BM.
She's 5. She doesn't get a
She's 5. She doesn't get a choice about whether she comes over (assuming there's a CO in place). He needs to get over the hurt and upset when she asks for BM. Kids love their mothers. They miss them, too. That doesn't mean they don't love their fathers. It doesn't mean they love mom more, or prefer her other than in the moment. It's not worth getting emotional about. My SO's kids do the "I miss Mommy" thing, too. Sometimes it's because they're trying to manipulate SO (this rarely works) and sometimes it's because they really DO miss Mommy. That sometimes happens at the end of 5 days away from mom (5/5/2/2 schedule). Your SO just needs to learn to deal with that. If he allows the child to manipulate him, and if he makes decisions based on fear that she won't want to come over or she'll love mommy more, he's going to end up with a much larger problem than he has now. And he's not doing the child any favors.
That’s exactly it.. he’s
That’s exactly it.. he’s afraid that she won’t want to come over. It happened in August, she would still come over, but she would be in a “sad mood.” The “I miss my mommy” only happens at night, right before bed time.
Your DH is headed down
the WRONG path! Chef used to say shit like this too. The reason for constantly spoiling skids competing over which house was more fun and had the least amount of rules. The PASinator GUBM will ALWAYS win in this category. The placation and "wanting the skids to come and visit not having to FORCE them" was a big mantra of Chef and look where THAT got him?
My SS is 7 and still cosleeps
My SS is 7 and still cosleeps with BM. SS started sleeping alone at our house at 3. It took a lot of work and a lot of tears. But we followed a consistent approach, and now SS sleeps alone at our house no problem. Does he still complain? Yes. Does he sleep through the night? yes and often sleeps in.
Our old nightly routine consisted of, brushing teeth, getting water, going pee then we have him pick a book. DH will lay with SS and read him 1-2 stories, we tell him goodnight and we would check on him every 4 minutes(SS chose 4 minutes). Every 4 minutes we would check on SS until he fell asleep. At first it would take 30 minutes, but eventually we would only have to go in 1-2 times and he would be out. We also noticed that SS would cry when he was overtired and would end up working himself up so much it made it difficult to fall asleep. So we moved his bedtime earlier, to around 8pm(He stays up until 9pm at BMs). We would tell SS, "you don't have to go to sleep, but you do need to stay in your bed".
He also sleeps with a lamp on and our dog sleeps in his bed so he isn't alone.
Don't worry about what BM does at her house, you can't change that. You can only change your house. Kids are more flexible than you htink, you just need to train them and be consistent. Its harder as the kid ages, so it would be in your best interest, and your DHs best interest to get this sorted out now rather than later.
It really helps to know that
It really helps to know that your SS still sleeps with BM, and in his own bed when he’s with you. I know consistency is key, I had to do it 5 years ago. But SO gets “very sad” when she throws the tantrums like last night.
I put a stop to the co
I put a stop to the co sleeping with SS11 and SS 10 real quick after we met. The I dont feel good my tummy hurts doesnt fly. Too bad. Then dont eat garbage all day. Go back to bed. I left the bed and DH made sure it never happened again. Even when Im out of town they dont sleep in my bed. They disgust me. He sleeps in their room or they cosleep on the couch. If I ever find out his bed wetting/porn watching 11 yr old son slept in my bed while Im not there, ill be in the guest room or my parents house.
I coslept with my kids when they were younger but when my boyfriend of 4 years stayed they knew better. My kids are out of the house adults now
Sounds like she is testing her boundaries and winning. Ket her win again and again her boundaries keep getting bigger
Yes, she is definitely
Yes, she is definitely testing her boundaries.
Well...
I would start with SO. Is he sad becuse she is throwing a fit or because she 'misses mommy'? If it is the former she is throwing a fit because she wants her own way. And 'missing mommy' is to make him upset and yes she knows what she is doing because she will be the same result. Daddy sleeps with SD and she gets him all to herself.
Ask him how would he feel if BM had an overnight guest who slept in the same bed as his daughter. Then tell him expecting you to share the bed where you indulge in couples behaviour with a child makes you sick to your stomach.
SD needs to learn to self sooth and go to sleep by herself in your home. She may choose a pretty lamp to leave on in the room. Or get her a body pillow to cuddle up to. Maybe a CD story to listen to. But the sharing the bed will stop now.
If your SO is a pushover for "I want mommy" then you are in for a world of hurt when the mini-wife hits her tweens and teens. "I want mommy" is SDs way of getting to her father. It isn't a conscious choice but she has learnt how to get her Dad to do what she wants. And if the worst thing is she makes him feel guilty, why is he with you? He can go back to BM and Sd will be happy.
He gets very upset when she
He gets very upset when she throws a tantrum. SD gets so worked up she’s almost hyperventilating. SO doesn’t think she’s old enough to know how to self sooth. I’m not sure about the push over part, he’s afraid of her not wanting to come over again, so at this point I think he’ll do whatever it takes to avoid that. Sigh!
How come ...
2 yr olds can get themselves off to sleep? So she hyperventilates. This is perfectly normal during a temper tantrum. That or holding your breath. Just toss a cold damp facecloth on her face, she will stop. Then you tell her to stop the nonsense now or no bed time stories. She is 5. Does he REALLY think she gets a vote? If she does he is in for a helluva ride and if I were you i would beat a hasty retreat because this is not about to get any easier.
THIS!!
Your DH taking the least line of resistance, viewing SD as a babe in arms and scared to discipline or make princess "unhappy" will come back to bite him AND YOU!! Can you exit now?
When i was a preschool
When i was a preschool teacher occasionally a kid would not get their way and cry for mommy. Id just say sorry honey she's not here. I know its different but kids manipulate when they dont get their way at a very young age. If they get away with it now wait til age 16.
Just like when my skids sneak pop they are only supposed to have 1 per day. I told DH just wait 5 yrs and they'll be sneaking the booze. Thats the life of no consequences.
Nightlight. White noise
Nightlight. White noise machine. Weighted blanket. Extra pillows. Stuff animal.
Routine every night, and an ealier bedtime so you aren't all up at midnight with a whiny kid.
Then LEAVE her. If she hyperventilates, the worst that will happen is she will pass out. She won't die or do serious damage. If anything, she'll learn not to do that again.
There is no debate here, and why your SO thinks there is is beyond me. It's really simple - she doesn't sleep in your bed, and if your SO doesn't want to sleep there either without his daughter, then you'll go find someone who is willing to sleep next to you without a/their kid.
This isn't about her not sleeping. It's about your SO not having boundaries with his daughter and not having enough parenting knowledge to understand what is normal. A 5 YO who can't self-soothe IS NOT normal. Perpetuating that is bad parenting.
AMEN!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chef viewed his huge-for-their-age ferals and teensy, weensy baaaabies well up into the pre-teen years!
This.will.not.end.well.nor.get.better!
Here's a Great Article
https://hvparent.com/the-spoiled-child