I am a better writer than a speaker. I stutter when I get upset and have to know someone very well to yell over them if they yell at me, and that's how bullies get you (ex. BM). So I would make a list of your most important points to make sure those get across and only have 3 points at the most for now. Repeat these points at the end like you are in public speaking class, and don't worry about their immediate response, they will probably have to absorb everything to have it take effect.

Also just like a salesperson I would think of any objection or excuse they could make and pre-plan my response to it. I would do this with DH (or I have drafted this myself before my DH got the hang of it) so that you are both on the same page, saying the same thing. He may resist this but then you hear your prepared words coming out of his mouth. Resist gloating over this if you can.

To me the bottom line is even though they are his parents they are not essential to your happiness and you do not need their permission or acceptance although it would be a lot nicer. Their bottom line is probably that you are new and they may say have no right to say anything, so to avoid that it may be best for now if he does the talking and makes CERTAIN to say Silver is here and we are together now whether you like it or not so too bad if you don't like it!

Just to get you started . . .

Most Evil

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats

My parents remind me of your in-laws. They think THEY are the parents. I absolutely HATE it when they are around. That's why we moved as far away as we could from them when my hubby retired from the military and it was time for our family to make that transition to "civilian" - ick! - life. They lived in VA, we lived in NC... only four hours away and way too close. We first moved to CT. Not far enough. Now we're in TX and are loving it! They are too far away to drive and flying is expensive, so we only have to put up with them once, maybe twice a year. Woo hoo! If you can't get that distance physically/geographically, then you're going to have to create it with setting up boundaries and learning not to care what happens between BM and the in-laws.

Your DH needs to talk to BM and explain that he would like their relationship to be as civil as possible and separate from his parents. (Meaning, if she wants a relationship with his parents, that's fine, but he's not a part of that.) Whatever happens between BM and his parents needs to stay between them. He can't control BM and he can't control his parents, and trying to do so is going to eat you both alive emotionally. If BM wants to send the kids to the in-laws on her time, then so be it. There's not really anything you can do about it. You just have to stop letting it push your buttons.

I agree that your DH may need to sit down one last time and really express to his parents how he feels, what he expects, how he wants HIS children raised, etc. for his own peace of mind, but he needs to also understand that they may never be willing to comply with his wishes. In fact, they probably won't. They have that same "I'm-the-grandparent-I'm-entitled" attitude that MY parents have. BM is feeding into that to curry favor with them and they are big enough suckers to let themselves be played by her. Oh, well! The only way to fight this is with distance. He can distance himself from them and he can distance the kids from them when they are on his time, but he can't control BM allowing access. It's just a fight he'll never win. Neither BM nor his parents is going to back down just because it's what he wants. It's wasted effort trying to fight this.

The best way to handle it, I think, is by going by the book. Whatever time he's supposed to have per the official papers, that's his time. He can do whatever he wants to with it and can include or exclude anyone from his time with his kids. He needs to insist that he get the time he's entitled to have. If he WANTS to include his parents for some of that, then okay. If he doesn't, then that's okay, too. If they want to go to BM to get some of HER time, then that's between BM and the in-laws. Stay out of it. As long as your DH isn't losing any of his time, then I think he needs to let it go. They are the same type of grandparents that my parents are... controlling, manipulative, guilt-inducing drama queens bent on keeping "their" grandchildren closer to them than they are to their own parents. It's a little sick.

As for the badmouthing, I think it's probably wise to explain to the kids that their father and their grandparents are having a disagreement and that if they hear anything that concerns them, to please talk to their dad about it and he will help clear up any questions they may have. Then just keep doing what you're doing when you have the kids. They will know what's what just by the way you and their dad treat them, not by lies someone else is feeding them. As for lies they tell to people outside the family, I would try really hard not to care. They're going to say what they're going to say. I don't even fight with my parents over kid issues anymore. I say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what their father and I have decided." My mother has pictures of my kids WITH MY SISTER all over the place, but none of ME and/or MY HUSBAND with my children. (My sister is the "favorite." I think my mom wants my children to be my sister's children so she can have them all she wants. Ew.) I can't do anything about that. I just limit my exposure and watch like a hawk when they are with my kids. It's harder for you to do, because they are getting access to the kids that is unsupervised by your DH, but I'm afraid if the BM lets them have that time, there's not really anything you can do to stop it, unless it conflicts with DH's time. I would be hurt, too, if this were my parents doing this, so I can understand how your DH feels. But I also think it would be better to detach emotionally from the situation and not fight with either BM or his parents over it, because ultimately, he can't control either of them.

Personally, I think I would almost RATHER they go through BM for time. I mean, if my mother-in-law wanted my DH to get time for her with his kids, it would just mean more fighting for US to do with the BM. I would rather she take it up with BM herself, get herself a chunk of BM's time and leave us out of it. I just wouldn't want to be involved in that. But again, we live far away. It would HAVE to be up to my MIL to make those arrangements for herself. We live in TX. We can't pick the kids up in NC and take them to WV for visits with their grandparents. It's geographically impossible for us.

I think if his talk with them doesn't yield results, then he needs to just focus on building his and your relationship with the kids when they are with you and let it go. Easier said than done, but I think the more he tries to control his parents/BM, the more they are going to try to thwart him.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook