OMG manicmom...I'm so, so sorry that you're having to deal with this. That's just a HORRIBLE situation and it's one that I think MANY SM's fear they will go through as skids get older. You are living in a situation that is ONE OF MY WORST FEARS - I shudder at the thought of this happening with my FSD16.5.

I'm not sure if I have any constructive advice for you right now - but I just wanted to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I feel your pain. Although I don't have any biokids myself, I can relate to your post. As a matter of fact, it seems that MANY of these skids of Generation E ("E" for Entitlement) aren't much different from your SD15.

This part of your post REALLY struck a chord with me: "But still, I feel bad for BD16 b/c she is the good kid in the family who strives for the best - and SD15 is the bad kid in the family who strives to see WHAT SHE CAN GET FROM OTHERS WITHOUT LIFTING A FINGER." (caps added for emphasis). Is your SD15 & my FSD16.5 somehow the same person?!?

I don't get it either - my FSD16.5 seemingly walks through life that way also - MAXIMIZING what she GETS FROM OTHERS while doing as MINIMAL (or none at all) work or effort as possible to get it. In my situation, this is CLASSIC BM BEHAVIOR that is clearly "rubbing off" on her only daughter. Our BM is EXACTLY THIS WAY and has been this way HER ENTIRE ADULT LIFE!! She not only uses people, is financially dependent on others (especially men), sleeps with men to get "prizes" and gifts from them - but she also literally has NOTHING OF HER OWN that she has EARNED with her own hard work or her own money. So my FSD16.5 sees how BM just lives off the CS$$ (her kids are her "paychecks"), doesn't have to work (or only minimally, part-time jobs), uses men, is promiscuous for attention - and SHE EMULATES WHAT BM DOES. FSD16.5 truly thinks that everything her "mom" does is so wonderful. Meanwhile, she's a selfish, loser, LEECH of a woman who has NOTHING to show for herself that SHE has EARNED.

Sorry manicmom, didn't mean to hijack your post and go off on my own tangent. Just wanted to let you know that I can TOTALLY relate to what is happening with your SD15. I have a few questions for you:

Where does your SD15 get this (her entitled line of thinking) from? Is her BM like our BM and is she literally being TAUGHT by someone to live her life this way? Or is your DH just a total "Guilty Daddy" because their mom isn't in the picture or something?I would try to identify the ROOT of this problem first, before you can resolve it.

Have you tried to sit your DH down and explain to him (EXACTLY how you've explained to us) that his actions with buying this car for SD15 is totally "undoing" all the hard work you've been doing together?? Does he know how totally OVERBOARD he has gone in buying this car for her? What are his reasons for buying such a young, undeserving girl a NEW CAR like this that he actually had to take out a LOAN to pay for????? (Oh HELL NO, that would NOT happen in our house - I would be spitting nails!!!).

I know some people here may take the approach "it's HIS money, HE can spend it however he wants on HIS DAUGHTER", but I totally disagree with that line of thinking in many ways. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP! Hell, FDH & I aren't even married yet (got engaged last November after dating about 7 years), but there would DEFINITELY NOT be ANY major purchases made or loans taken out like that unless we both sat down and had a LONG DISCUSSION about it and unless we both AGREED to it.

My advice: You need to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN with your DH and how he constantly rewards SD15 for almost NO REASON AT ALL! Don't put up with this new car thing - I wouldn't have gone for it AT ALL. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself, your beliefs and convictions - and I think this is one of those times. It's about respect. This is one of those proverbial "hills" I'd be willing to die on.

I'm thinking your situation is tough because YOU just bought a car for BD16, so now you've done what you're telling him NOT to do for SD15. KWIM? I know, I know, the 2 girls are night and day when it comes to what they DESERVE and WORK FOR (or lack thereof). Any normal person can see that. THIS is what you have to figure out how to "drive home" to your DH.

That's the problem - good luck trying to get him to see there's a BIG DIFFERENCE. I think that'll be the hardest part for you, if not almost impossible. But my advice to you is: find a way to get through to your DH. Find a way to make him SEE that what he's doing is NOT GOOD and that you can't compare BD16 & SD15 - it's like comparing apples to oranges. Your daughter seems to have EARNED a "reward" - she works hard at school AND her job, makes amazing grades in college prep classes (amazing and very impressive IMO, you've done a great job with her!), has moral friends, doesn't lie and is a good all-around kid. What, on the other hand, has SD15 done to "earn" him buying HER a new car?

In the meantime, BREATHE...deep breath in, deep breath out. Try to be calm and rational - ESPECIALLY when you talk to DH. Because we all know it's "all in the presentation" when it comes to discussing their "little precious Princesses" with these men.

I know, I know - this is totally frustrating. We all feel your pain, manicmom. We do. Don't give yourself chest pains about all of this - and do your best to AVOID anything that'll make you more mad or frustrated (i.e. looking in the driveway - lol). Easier said than done, I know that. I'm the "Queen of Biting Tongue", as many of us are, in this lovely dysfunctional world of stepparenting.

Good luck, manicmom!!! We are all here for you. Talk to DH when you're alone (no kids) and calm and in a VERY PATIENT mood (because you'll need LOTS of patience for all of his "Guilty Daddy" excuses he makes for SD15) - or you can just do the opposite, go BALLISTIC on him (still when kids aren't around) if you think that'll be a more effective way to handle your DH - LOL!!!!
Keep us posted and let us know how this all plays out.