I lost it today....needing some support....long
It has been an entire year of me being a single parent to the skids 9 and 11(while DH is away for at times the entire placement time). We have skids 50/50 every other day and DH works a job that has him gone at best 6a-6p at worst three days straight. I have been Running them to activities (that I have little say in), picking up after them when they won't lift a finger around the house, and having SS's behavior spiraling out of control. SS has been out and out disregarding everything I tell him, in fact doing the opposite. To make matters worse, he has also taken to lying to DH when he is home..."Catlover never said that....Catlover did such and such ...Catlover is lying Daddy, I wouldn't have done that" etc. I have tried everything; being nice, ignoring the behavior, positive reinforcement, bribing, yelling, taking stuff away...nothing works with this kid. He is aggressive with his little sister (BD16 months) and doesn't seem to care. He is truly pathological.
The other day I saw him run over to BD and smack her in the head. I tore into him and sent him to his room. DH has minimized his behaviors as "he's just a 9 year old boy...he's just got a lot of energy.." I now have to make sure that I don't leave BD alone in a room with him, because I fear that he will get too out of control.
I have told DH that I need things to change, and that it is not fair for him to expect me to be solely raising these kids, especially SS who doesn't listen to me. DH believes that I am just trying to make him choose between me and the kids, or that I am trying to force him to give up his kids. He has actually come out and said as much to me. (which is completely false) DH just makes snide comments like "you're just angry the kids come home" and "I know that having the kids here inconveniences you."
Today I mentioned that I would really like to see my Best Friend (lives an hour away) Friday night, and would he be available to watch the kids as I haven't had an opportunity to see her in months. He got all pissed off and made the comment that he felt it was crappy that he had to be stuck at home with the kids while I went and had fun..."why can't you just go meet her for coffee during the day?" he asked. "umm because she works, and I have no one to watch the kids?" It's not like I'm going out w/her clubbing jeez. I'm just going to her house for some much needed adult conversation.
Anyway, I'm just tired of this. I have been job hunting lately, because DH's job just isn't earning enough to pay the bills. Frankly I don't know how much longer I can do this. DH says we need a weekend away together w/o the kids to reconnect. Thats all well and good but if you don't address the issues, you're just coming home to the same crap.
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Why are you doing this to yourself??
Honey... you are loosing yourself.... I know because I did the same thing in my last marriage. With my new bf I have set boundaries and I cannot tell you how much better it feels! I actually told bf the other day that I am NOT his kids' mother and I WILL NOT raise them. I WILL NOT potty train his son because it is NOT my job. I WILL NOT 'babysit' his kids, he and their mother can hire someone to do that.... I have my own kids and THEY ARE my priority. I will NEVER again do what you are doing.... it will drive you insane.... you will become filled with resentment and hate and at some point it will become apparent to your skids who aren't asking for any of this.... Its going to hard for you to now change things and put boundaries in place and stick up for yourself... my marriage didn't survive once I did this.... but it needed to be done and once I was out I realized how much better off I really was! Good luck.
Catlover
Your DH sounds a little spoiled!!
I hope you go out tonight with your girlfriend and leave him with all the kids and tell him as you walk out the door - Thanks!!! Now you know what I'm doing when you are gone for 3 days straight!!
I have to tell you, I'm guilty of this somewhat.
When I met my husband, I was on tour for anywhere from 6 months to 10 months or more out of the year!! Meaning full on GONE. Not home every night. And if I did get home, it would be for 1 or 2 days.
Husband has a daughter. When we moved in together, he'd stay home and take care of his daughter. Of course!! He'd tell me how much he missed me, and how it sucked that I was gone for lengths of time, etc. And I understood that it must be hard, but I didn't really "get it".
Well, now the tables have turned. DH is the one gone for months at a time and I'm home with only 1 child!! And it's hard! And I miss him. And I completely understand how he felt and what he was saying to me. And I have a new found respect for him.
GO. GO OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And if there's any way you can leave your husband alone longer with the kids while you go out and take care of yourself, do it. So he can really see what you are doing.
I hope it works out for you. I don't think your husband is taking advantage of you at all. I just don't think he realizes the reality of what you are doing day in and day out. You would think he does, but I can pretty much guarantee you he doesn't. Because I'm living it right now.
And please do, take that night for you and him alone and reconnect. It will mean the world to both of you.
Best of luck honey!!!
So what if you went clubbing anyway?
You deserve it. You could even schedule it once a month - go be with your friends away from the kids and the husband. Your DH needs a smack in the head. He sounds like he's letting you do all the parenting and it's not working. Maybe a little, "Wait till your father gets home," with some sound follow up from DH is in order. If the kid needs more exercise, your DH needs to take him out and make him so tired he falls into his bed at night. These are things you can communicate about when he takes you for your getaway weekend. Have fun!
What they said
This doesn't have to break you guys - just let him have his turn! LOL Definitely go see your friend, AND the weekend away!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2