Sick with This
So, I had no idea where to post this... So, I posted it in general discussion. I need help... advice, counseling, a few double shots of tequilla, and a long nap. I'm new on here, obviously. lol. I'm 24 years old and in a serious relationship with a man who is about to become a first-time father. My BF's ex found out she was pregnant right before he and I started dating, and in less than a month I'm going to be a step-parent of sorts. (No, my boyfriend and I are not married, but we live together and have talked about getting married in the future. Just not ready to tie-the-knott) So, technically, I'm not a step-parent --yet. We're currently trying to get ready for Miss Bethany (the baby). I have NO idea what to do... because well.. I can't have kids... So, right now I'm feeling like a bitter, vindictive douche. I love kids. She's trying to get ALL my bfs rights taken from him so he can't even see the baby. And the entire time I have to listen to him tell me how much he loves this baby and she's not even here yet... and as much as I WANT to love this baby... I have a hard time... BM's going to be that constant reminder that "She's not your baby," " You can't love her like I do," and "You'll never know what it feels like to be a mother." She doesn't want my BF and I to have anything to do with the baby... And it's not like BF is just some kind of sperm donor. He wants EVERYTHING to do with his little girl. He's not abusive. He's not mean. He's not a dope head like half the people around here. She's using her breast feeding as a means of not letting him see the baby. Since she's breast feeding... he can't be around the baby. That's her idea. She's not wanting to put him on the birth certificate and they had to do the amniotic DNA tests already to check for down syndrome... It's his baby! So, we're about to have to go to court over this baby. I don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed.
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Blog--- Not general
Blog--- Not general discussion. Sorry...
Welcome. This is a fairly new
Welcome.
This is a fairly new relationship for you, you're already living together, and you're already struggling with how to handle this upcoming situation.
First, before you throw all of your energy and time and heart into this relationship, think LONG AND HARD if this is what you really want. If you can't have children, and want them, and you find that you're already resentful of this yet-unborn child, it will get so much harder. So, so much.
Also, your BF is at a disadvantage by impregnating someone he isn't married to. Because there's no presumption of paternity, he needs to establish paternity, and I suggest he file that motion the day the baby is born. He will likely get very short visits because of the breast feeding...and that's almost impossible to prove that she ISN'T breast feeding.
Now, awful as it may sound, I would have NEVER turned over my baby shortly after birth for more than an hour or two. Not to its father, its grandparents, or the pope. (And a couple of hours is being generous.) I just carried that baby with me eVERYWHERE for 9 months. No way someone could take it away. And the baby's father and grandparents were people I loved, NOT an "xbf." So...be patient. This situation will take a considerable amount of it.
Well, we've already talked to
Well, we've already talked to a lawyer. I reckon' he's going to file for paternity the day she is born. (Funny Fact: She wants him in the delivery room with her, but doesn't want to list him as the father). I know it's going to be hard. I'm fully expecting hard. Nothing in life has EVER came to me easy, really. (I'm one of those hard headed people that usually has to make the mistake to learn from it). I'm willing to try. I'm willing to care for the baby. It's not my fight, though. Best thing to do now? Is like you guys said, I guess. Back off. Let them have their fight and just be here for support. Ask him to lighten up on the baby talk-- just reminds me of what I want and can't have. Also... she's already screwed herself on the child support. She CLAIMS she doesn't want any. However, she WILL want a medical card. He's had an amniotic fluid test prove that he is the father. So... in order to get her medical card (if I'm not mistaken) she'll have to list him on it. Either way, he's filing for paternity when she's born. It's just a mess and I'm overloaded.
I agree with Cheri on the
I agree with Cheri on the fact that split parenting is usually a nightmare. I also agree that you need to really examine the situation for what it is, understand that you are most likely headed for a very stressful, emotional, and disappointing life, and think about what you really want. You don't have to go forward with this and no one would fault you if you got out. Most people would say it was a very smart move. I also agree that if you do choose to stay in this, do not let him force motherhood on you with this woman's child. Do make yourself scarce, don't jump in and try to be the Mom when he has the child. You will regret it. I am sorry you are facing this scenario, and I hope you do what is best for you not what is best for someone else.
Nursing until they're
Nursing until they're three...? My aunt did that as well, so I don't think it's gross. He's not fighting with her. Heck, IMO he's too freaking nice to her. She doesn't deserve the treatment he gives her --pregnant or not. Not for how she treats him. Any man that will drop everything he's doing and drive over forty five minutes out of his way (he was out of town) just to bring his pregnant ex a biscuit from Hardees because she's craving it and doesn't have a way out to get one... is being more than considerate. The only things he ever talks to her about is how the baby is doing, how his ex's doing, if she's feeling well, if there's anything she needs, if there's anything that the baby needs before she gets here that she hasn't gotten yet, things like that. (You probably disagree with me for saying he's too nice to her, considering she's carrying his child, but that's my opinion).
I know the easiest solution is for me to leave him. I can still get out. I don't want out. I love him. And yes, I'm jealous of the bond they're going to have. I can't help that. That's something he and I can never have together. I don't want to be a replacement mommy. I'm doing nothing BUT keeping my distance. It's their baby, but she's going to be in my life too, and I want to be prepared. I don't fully agree with the breast feeding visitation analogy... however, I'm not a mother, so I can't understand it. She has said, herself, though that she was doing it to keep the baby away from him. He's respecting her decision to breast feed, has from the moment she told him she wanted to. He just wants to see the baby as much as possible, not take her, and she doesn't even want to do that. So, yes, that does put me between a rock and a hard place, but I want to be prepared. From what I'm understanding, everyone basically thinks I need to shut up and stay out of it. That's what I've been doing. Sitting back, waiting, and praying. I am overwhelmed, but I guess there's nothing I can do.
I didn't want my DH wandering
I didn't want my DH wandering around with my baby when she was first born and I like my DH (most days). He got to cuddle her for brief periods of time between feedings for a few weeks. DH would hang around waiting for his "turn" off and on all day and night. We were on baby time so you BF might be spending a lot of time waiting for his turn to bond. Sounds like a tough spot for every one involved.
I would love to be first, but
I would love to be first, but I can't be, and I understand that. I have never been first... from day one it has been the baby. The reason he's trying to stay on "her tune" is because he doesn't want her to just take off and him never see his little girl. I will not be at the hospital. I will not be going to the visitations or pick-ups when she starts staying here. I've never asked him to not be there for his child's mother.I can't, because I know it would put him in a position that required him to make a decision of me verses the mother of his child's comfort. I didn't say anything to him when he left my bed in the middle of the night to check on her because she was afraid to be alone in her parents house, and trust me it hurt. Yes, it hurts, because a lot of times it makes me feel like "the other woman," and that's something I was not. They were not together when we met; they'd broken up right before. I wasn't the other woman, but that's what people see me as.
It's going to be a lot of heartache. I'm not a mother, and I don't know how motherhood works, so I can't say how she's going to feel when she does have to start letting the baby spend nights away from her. It's not going to be easy on her. It's not going to be easy on him having limited visitation when Bethany first comes either. The mother isn't the only one who should have the right to bond with the baby. He should have that right too. Yes, she just carried her around for nine months, but... it takes two to tango. She helped in the creation of this child as much as he did. She wasn't forced. She has no right to resent him. If she resents something it should be her decision. It was her decision as much as it was his.
Most people think that the easiest solution is to just leave. It is. I agree. I've NEVER taken the easy way, though. I'm not about to start now. I can't run from him just because they made a mistake. They're human. The baby will be first. She'll always be first. I've stayed out of it. I just feel helpless.
I wouldn't take any bets on
I wouldn't take any bets on his not going back to her after the baby is born.
You are too young and this
You are too young and this relationship is too new for you to be second or third place. I am so much older, and it was really difficult to have my DH's issues with SD and BM take over the first three years of our marriage. Happily (for me), the SD has stopped contact with my DH at age 14, but you have to see the reality that this woman and her child will be taking all the attention from your BF for the foreseeable future. You will get the leftover crumbs.
Please go very slowly, don't marry him because he says it will help HIM with custody or visitation, and watch very carefully how he behaves with them. Things have moved very quickly here, from her conceiving a baby with him to his dating you to the two of you living together. The baby isn't even born yet! Try not to let your tendency to protect him from unjust treatment affect your ability to make the best choices for YOURSELF.