He went out once and saw her at work (a very public type of entertainment kind of place) without telling me, he had her over to our house when I was at work (told me after the fact), and met with her the other night and I only found out by accident, he wasn't going to tell me. I asked him about it and he said he just doesn't want to throw it in my face that they are friends
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Ummm..this is not good. If he had nothing to hide...he would not have hidden it. Sorry...I think this is the start of an affair.

My FDH has female friends, and I have male friends. FDH is gone 4 days a week for work. If one of my male friends comes over, I tell FDH BEFORE it happens. I had one (a very good friend from high school) stop by unannounced and I sent a text to FDH immediately.
On the flip side, FDH did a motorcycle ride deal on a saturday (I had to work) and told me ahead of time that this female friend would be there. He told me later that day that the female friend rode on the bike with him. He said after he told her it was OK, he felt like it probably wasn't so he wanted to tell me. We discussed it, and he said he wouldn't do it again. That seating arrangement is kind of intimate.

The point of the story is this: If you are OK with him having this friend, tell him you would like it if he would tell you his plans BEFORE he does them. AND tell him you want to meet her. Have her over for dinner. If he says no, or tries to hide it again, then I would be worried.

I don't have a problem with men having female friends, BUT this does not sound good. Also, it is a vulnerable time for you and your husband. You have been having issues in your marriage, and I think he needs to stay away from any possible temptation. He should definitely not be hiding anything-how are you going to build and maintain trust if he is doing that?

This is very inappropriate behavior. Because it was all a secret, its WRONG. If I am friends with a married man, I make sure to insist on knowing the wife too-if that is not possible-don't bother me to be a friend. It is all too easy for the "emotional affair" to become a physical affair. He is hiding his intentions...is your presence active on his facebook? I was in a similar position and he was telling the other woman that we were breaking up and moving on, but still living together due to money issues, but it would be over soon... blah blah blah. I made it very difficult for him to explain all the happy photo ops that appeared on his facebook page. Give him the boundry line,if you don't- it will happen again with another. If he doessnt like it, tough- there should be no intimate emotional affairs without the day to day issues of real life. This isnt wonderland, alice!

My Bf and I do NOT have or hang around with anyone of the opposite sex. Period. This is a mutual thing and we both respect and expect that of/from eachother. We do however hang around with other COUPLES and go out to dinner and all hang out with our kids but there is NEVER any one on one time with a member of the opposite sex. We both had members of the o/s on our fb but then we deleted anyone that wasnt a family member or a friend that we were mutually ok with having on our profiles. We also do not have o/s phone numbers on our phones etc.

We BOTH know what can and does happen when men and women become "friends". Shit can happen! There is NOTHING wrong with trying to protect and shield a relationship as best you can from an affair of any kind.

In regards to your situation, your dh is waaay out of line, disrespectful and completely inappropriate. Shame on him and shame on this woman too. I have been on both sides of this fence. I have been on the receiving end and the "other woman" and I also tried to justify to myself that it was ok to be hanging out with this man because I really had strong feelings for him eventhough he had a live-in gf. We wound up having sex and hung out together on/off for over 2 years! He obviously didnt care about what we were doing or his gf for that matter! But one day my wonderful man came along and he has respect for me and our relationship to the utmost degree. You should DEMAND & EXPECT respect from your husband! You DESERVE that much! Period!

The only red flag to me is that he's hidden it from you.
Having opposite sex friends is ok with me.
I just happen to think that if there's anything "hidden" about it, then it's wrong. If it wasn't wrong, you wouldn't need to hide it.
Personally, this type of thing is very crafty. It is all so innocent until...well, until it isn't anymore.
I'd level with him. Tell him the friendship is fine with you as long as there's full disclosure. Then see what he says. If she's just a "friend," then full disclosure is no biggie.

A man should never share his feelings with another woman. Things between a H and W should be kept between the H & W.

It is inappropriate and it sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair. It WILL ruin your marriage. He needs to put a stop to it NOW.

I'm sorry you are living with this. The love of my life had an emotional affair with a woman "friend" that he knew for 16 years. She was going through a divorce and we were having a rough time. Next thing I know it was a full blown affair.

I noticed they started spend hours talking on the cell phone every day from the phone bill. I also didn't believe it because I thought my H (he is now deceased) would never do that to me and that they were just friends.

Please watch protect your heart.

In short, NO. I don't think it's appropriate, nor would I have ANY sort of friendship that included hanging out or frequent conversations with a man my husband did not know. I can't get my mind wrapped around why your DH would be entertaining his "friend" in your personal space whilst you're not at home, or why he would go out with her and tell you after the fact. It isn't respectful, and it isn't honest. And can I just say how much I HATE Facebook?!

If you've been having trouble in your marriage, that only makes this a bigger issue, especially since you say their contact has INCREASED since the problems between the two of you began. I don't think that you're being a "jealous-type" of wife. A jealous wife would have already accused him of cheating and thrown his sh*t out of a window. You've conducted yourself in a calm, rational way thus far. You are well within your rights, as his life partner, to figure out their friendship in a healthy and open way. If I were in your shoes, I would ask DH to invite his friend (and HER husband/BF?) to dinner or coffee, somewhere public, so that you can meet her and get a feel for how they interact with each other. You feel uncomfortable now because of the apparent veil of secrecy surrounding their seeing each other, and once it's out in the open, you may feel better. If you don't, then your gut is telling you something.

I personally do not believe that ANY man or woman, married or in a commited relationship, should have a friend of the opposite sex that their partner isn't completely knowledgable about and friendly with as well. I'm sure that there will be people that disagree with me. But if you have been struggling in your marriage, and your DH isn't putting all his efforts (time, attention, etc.) into your marriage, then it would certainly bother me if those efforts were going into a friendship with another woman.

Maybe open a dialogue with your husband about his friend. Tell him (calmly, with empathy, and in the spirit of resolution/partnership) that you're feeling a little "off" about her, because you don't know her, and have no point of reference for this friendship. If he reacts angrily, or defensively, I think that says a whole lot about whether this is innocent or not.

Friendships like this were exactly how my ex's affairs went I ignored my gut because I didn't want to see the truth and no one told me they all knew hell some of the women even used me to continue the affairs a friend to my face screwing my husband behind my back. I'll tell you on between affairs the only thing I learned is tgey go or you go. It may not be sexual YET if it isn't it will be but he has to see why it'll ruin your marriage and he has to dexide to be an open book with every aspext of his life and dump her as a friend because you mean more anything less and he's showing you that you are not a priority I had to do thia to my now SO over a couple women he text and facebooked I made it clear the women were being inappropriate and even though he wasn't yet he had to chose close the door on them or I close it on him. He chose me in a second and went no contact with both I have all access to his phone laptop email etc but he showed me I am the one that matters. You needbto follow your gut and stand up for your marriage

Okay, so I take back my statement that some may not agree with me. In the time it took me to type my response, you got about ten posts that said essentially the same thing as mine. You're not being jealous, and you have reason to be uncomfortable. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If it's causing you pain and stress, your DH should put an end to this immediately, regardless of any extenuating circumstances.

Yeah, no....I don't like the sound of it either. Even if he is being the sweet guy friend to her, she may be developing feelings for him. A lot of times at least one or the other will develop feelings. It's destructive.

I was just through a similar situation myself. It was an emotional affair even though my DH couldn't see it at the time. She was very manipulative and sneaky and even tried being best buds with me. I couldn't ignore my gut feelings about her but didn't forbid my DH from being friends with her.

I am not a jealous type of person. I was pretty sure that what my gut was screaming about had nothing to do with insecurity. However, with nothing concrete to point to....

A few weeks ago, it almost ended our marriage. She was starting to feed him bits of information twisted to make me look like a bad person. We had a huge blowout and I kicked him out. It wasn't until he was faced with losing me that his head finally cleared and he started seeing her for what she truly was ("Wolf in sheep's clothing" according to him).

http://foundationrestoration.org/2012/07/the-rules-of-opposite-gender-fr...

I juts re read your blog. Holy crap....he is dating this woman right under your nose.

Here is my theory.... if a person PUPOSELY keeps information from you, then they are up to no good. Lieing and sneaking around are just as bad as cheating in my book. You don't lie and sneak unless you have something to hide, and you shouldn't have anything to hide unless you are doing shit you KNOW you should NOT be doing.

I would be telling my DH to make a decision... her or me. If a "friendship" with this woman is more important than his MARRIAGE, then I wouldn't want to be married to him.

About 10 years ago, before DH and I were married, we took a break from each other. He moved out of my apartment and got his own place. Shortly after his moving he reconnected with some"friend" of his. Someone I had never heard of, someone I had never met. Looking at the phone bill I noticed the phone calls were lengthy. Especially lengthy for someone like my DH who isn't much of a talker. This went on for a little while. I stayed silent but kept my guard up. When we reconciled and decided to purchase our first home together, I continued to see these phone calls. Except now, the name on the cell was that of a MALE co-worker. However, I remembered the number. Women never forget do they? I decided to call the girl myself and get to the bottom of it. Apparently, according to her they were friends from long ago, she had a BF and she was very upset that I had called her, stating that her BF would be very upset if he heard some woman calling her questioning her about who she was. RED FLAG TO ME!
However, strangely enough, all communication between the two of them stopped. I eventually mentioned it to my husband. I told him straight out I did not like it and that it better never happen again. I told him I fully understood friendships with the opposite sex, however, if I didn't know the friend, than I need to meet the friend. If not, than that friendship needed to be terminated. To this day, we know all of our friends. I know his, he knows mine. I have his FB password, he has mine. I do NOT trust anyone. Especially women. Women are catty ass bitches that are always trying to step in someone elses relationship. The OP here needs to follow her instincts. There is something VERY wrong here.

Nope, not appropriate. Trust your doubts!

My husband was like this with a coworker, and it has mostly ruined our marriage.

He had her over to our house when I wasn't home, and I was furious about it. He ended up sleeping with her less than two weeks after that.

He claims to have ended it all with her a couple years ago, but they are still "friends". It was like a slap in the face when he brought home from work bags of baby clothes for my sons when they were born (from her). But it's biting them in the butt now. I wrote about it on a blog, and once I was angry enough to put her name. She fired someone at work, and the person was so angry, they tried to dig up dirt on her, and found my blog. Next thing we know, DH and this woman were called in to discuss their affair. I took down the blog immediately, but DH almost left me over it. I don't regret what I did. I wouldn't repeat my actions, but I also would never tolerate his treatment of me like that ever again. At least the woman now has no doubt exactly how I feel about it all.

Their company was bought out and she won't be there much longer...good! If DH does anything like that ever again, he will be kicked to the curb. But he knows this...

Oh, and not only was I not allowed to meet her, DH introduced her to his best friend. Totally wrong. Friend told me she was all over DH and didn't agree with the whole situation. If you're not allowed to meet her, something is wrong.

I have to be honest, I don't like the sounds of this. He is being very underhanded and sneaky about a relationship that is supposed to be strictly platonic. I don't believe him.

He is always covering himself by telling you AFTER he has met with her but says he didn't want to THROW it into your face that he has this relationship with her. Ummmm. Sounds fishy to me.

I suggest you play it out and see what happens. Try to act like nothing is different but be VERY sly.

I would watch his cell phone records for calls and text messages. You can even set up an online account to track and see if the calls coincide with the times that he "disappears" or is not "available". Check into activating a GPS locator on his phone or buy one and put it on his car and see if he is being honest with you or not.

He is being two-faced about this relationship and I think you will soon find out the truth.

Put stop to this NOW.

Would you like to know why I am divorced? Because my H had a female friend (his best friend of 20 years fiancee).. who he had over when I wasnt home, and who he "talked to" about things.

When we had trouble and I was busting my butt in counseling, he was told but the counselor that NEITHER person in the relationship could have a single friend of the opposite sex and have the marriage work. (she dumped his best friend as their "friendship" progressed)

I tried not to be a jelouse bitch, and it was the worst decisions I ever made. When I finally said "enough, we are working on this marraige, don't talk to her" He left. This was less than a year ago, and now this "friend" is pregnant with his child.

I would love an update?