Well this is sad to read, but not surprising. You have dealt with the trifecta of Stephell for a long, long time.

It's clear you deeply love your wife, warts and all. Have you tried marraige counseling to attempt to be on the same page concerning all of the kids? Being partners doesn't mean your wife can pick and choose when she wants to be a team.

Major, NOTHING is too small or petty. These are things that affect YOU, you want to vent, and that's all that matters.

Even if you WERE to blame for any part of the disasters that are the SDs, you cannot change the past. Besides, those girls are past effective parenting (IMO). 1) Because your DW will not, and 2) the mold is set. MAYBE they will change their ways, but that is something they have to do for themselves. If you feel guilty about what you did in the past, try to be the best-est step-grandpa you can be.

I'm willing to be that your DW IS afraid of losing another daughter and that's why she lets everything slide and is gaga over the teeniest thing. Only your DW can determine her own breaking point with SD20. And it may never come for her. What would happen if you didn't complain and simply asked DW to pick up SD20's slack? "Honey, could you turn off that light?" Admittedly, I'm clueless. I let DH pick up the SS's slack until he got tired of it and made them do it. But they were/are kids, so it's not the same.

Major. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I hope you realize that you are a damn good man and have value. You're taking care of the gskids - you don't have to do that. You have a wicked sense of humor and I, for one, very much appreciate it. And even if you think your opinion has no value, it DOES. It's another point of view, an affirmation that more than one poster feels the same about an idea.

I honestly think you and your DW need to find a way to get some quality ADULT time. Are there free/cheap activities you could do? Even a picnic - outdoors or nekkid in the living room! - with just the two of you. I'd come gskid sit for free, if I could. {{{HUGS}}}

Major,

In one of your above paragraphs you stated that compared to some, your issues seem small and petty. When there are many small and petty issues, they build up over time, and it slowly leads to bitterness, depression, anxiety etc. so don't ever discount the issues in your house as small and petty. I was really down about a year ago dealing with one of my skids and it felt like there was nothing positive around me. But that was just from my viewpoint. So I started with small steps like taking my dog for a walk, working on small projects outside by myself, planting some flowers etc. At night it can be as small as drinking a cup of coffee completely by myself in a quiet place for 5 minutes. I didn't tackle anything big because It would just cause me to become frustrated if I didn't finish it. The key was small projects, small steps. I think you should take some time out each day to do something small that you can finish in a small amount of time. 

As for your skids, there isn't much you CAN do. I have a sibling who has been in/out of jail and my parents completely enable it. They are senior citizens and he has robbed them blind and they still let him back into the house. Sooo frustrating yet nothing I can do about it. And I don't get why they do half of what they do. I think it's a parent feeling guilty thing and you don't turn your back on your kids mentality, but my brother is 40.  At some point this became a habit with them and now is the "norm". I will say though, it has destroyed my parents other relationships with other people. Anyway to just reiterate, start small with something that will bring you a small feeling of accomplishment, and realize, you have absolutely no control over your skids or how your wife lets them treat her and if she doesn't have any boundaries set for your house and your rules then she really needs to get a backbone and back you up. 

It seems your DW is a reasonable person and I bet in time she will get tired of being taken advantage of. My DH grew tired of being taken advantage of. It took a while, but he did. It happens, so don't lose hope.

Think of all the things you can look forward to, like when SD adults and moves out of your house. You can have a big party and celebrate that event. 

Take things in baby steps and please take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

You're not being petty Major. One of the hardest things in stephe!! is the fact that you're dealing with consequences from actions you never did. You're tkaing a look at things that you didn't cause, and yet you seem to be getting the backlash, whether it's because there's enabling, or no one is willing to help shield and protect you a bit (yes I bleieve men need a bit of protection too, that's part of being partners. It means having eachother's six no matter what's going on.)

Thing just simply build up. I was just telling my little brother this yesterday as well (he's making some iffy decisions involving hormones and a manipulative girl who's going to suck him dry if he lets her). Event hings that might seem small, when nothing is ever done to correct it and it happens again and again, then add on some other seemingly small things, they just simply add up and build up and it frankly sucks. Particularly for the ones in stephe!! that didn't decide to be with the crazy one, are tying their best to prevent the enabling and assist the skids to be productive members of society.

You've taken on a fair bigger burden that most too. With how much you've done for the Gskids in regards to protecting and caring for them. You've had to take on the responsibility because others weren't, and while you OBVIOUSLY love your DW, everyone has a thresh-hold, and it really just seems that it's all built up and you desprately need some changes for YOU. You've dealt with other things for so long it's become the norm, so you need to look after yourself.

You cna't fix the skids, but you and your DW definitley need to work to get on the same page. If you don't it's just going to build up. Major, you're strong as s*** when it comes to handling things, but everyone needs a break and some help. That's part of being in a partnership.

I'm with what everyone else says above. You gotta take care of yourself too. That means the messy emotional side that makes us human as well as the physical and mental side.

Sure, your problems might be smaller than some of the absolute train wrecks on this site... but that doesn't mean that your feelings of frustration are unwarranted.  I mean, just because others have cancer doesn't mean that it sucks to have a bout with the flu! 

I can also see how some of the knee-jerk "men are idiots/ignorant/clueless" comments could make you feel that there is sometimes a little too much man-bashing.  I often say that to a hammer, everything is a nail.  Some people here do apparently have and have had very poor male partners... sometimes it's also clear that the women posting were part of the drama-dynamic.  It also is a bit typical for raising kids and organizing the social aspects of a family fall to the shoulders of women...so when a guy gets divorced... they may not have the experience of the inclination to care for their kids.  Also, many times men are the NCP... which means they have relatively little time with their kids.  I know my DH for sure has said that he doesn't want to spend all of his limited time fussing at his girls.  But, then again, it's like he had only a very concentrated time in person to help raise them.  Now, my DH was pretty good with taking care of his kids, but from some stories on here... it seems that many guys are abdicating this onto their new partners... that is a bit of a stacked deck for the ladies.

I have advised several posters that they are not in the right relationship... that their partners aren't right for them... either they appear to be using the posters... or the posters themselves have such bitterness surrounding the kids that I can't imagine it would be healthy for them to stay with men that have kids who bother them THAT much.

I'm sorry that you and your wife are at odds over some things.  That definitely makes it hard. I think if you can remember to disagree in a respectful way and listen and try to understand the other's point of view... you can get through it. 

i am new to this, and I read yours first because I saw where you wrote how down you felt first off and what I also saw is thinking that your problems weren’t possibly as “ big” as others. I do that quite a bit and have through the years. I hate to even burden anyone with all the drama in my household. It’s embarrassing sometimes and people always say to me now “ why are you still there & why don’t you just take your kids and go” We all have our reasons and mostly it’s the love for our spouse. But don’t ever think your problems aren’t big enough. They don’t have to be big. Anything causing you pain, it’s worth talking about it. No one should be sad and have no one to talk to. I googled and found this today because I feel very alone with my problems and it does get me very sad. Be selfish with yourself. Someone is always out there to listen & understand. 

Sometime I get a little hot headed, hope I've not offended, it was not my intention. Wishing you the best.

Big giant hugs to you across the internet. How do you prevent the gskids from turning into the same creatures as SD20 and Sd26? Well, you know how and that's the crux of why you are upset. Accountability, dependability,  responsibility and not being so dang selfish. When your wife doesn't have strong boundaries and expectations for her adult daughters and there aren't consequences, you fear your gskid will model those same horrible behaviors. It's a valid fear. It's too late for SD20 and SD26 but it isn't for the little ones. They still have a chance to grow into productive members of society who aren't selfish.  If you lived in Florida I would babysit for you . You are deserving of some fun with your wife. I hope you can get her to grow away from this codependency thing she has going on. 

I hurt for you.  I couldn't do what you do.  While I understand your reasoning for not going full vent here or even IRL with your bride and her toxic spawn I do not understand how you do not call your bride to task for not learning from the repeated lessons regarding her toxic spawn.  

If she is  doing nothing different with the younger one than she did with the elder sh can’t possibly think they the outcome will be optimal.  The same applies for the outcome of the gskids.

As the adage says.... insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.  As my grandmother used to say.... if you can’t listen and learn them you will have to feel.  So far the only one feeling in your blended situation is you.  Feeling sad, depressed and forlorn.

Try something different,  Hold the mirror of repeated parental failure firmly in your brides face and point out the repeated insanity and guide her..... firmly in a different direction.

Take care of you.

It's good you wrote - I agree with others that your feelings are valid (not petty or unimportant), and can build up until the pressure explodes. Very heathy to write it out like you did here. It can help you, especially because you & DW have gskids when you thought it would be Empty Nest time, and ESPECIALLY since here you have a support group where a LOT of people understand &  want to encourage you. 

Sometimes when I want to get all my thoughts and feelings out, I just save'em in a google doc, sometimes I post here, and other times I call a great friend and leave them a loooong voicemail. Any of those are better than me being stuck in a mental spin cycle trying to think up solutions to uncomfortable situations. 

With respect,

It really helps.