Jumping in
To begin I want to say that having read a lot of heartbreaking posts here I have come to some different views of my own story. My situation is by no means idealic but it could me much worse.
I want also to state for the record that however unpleased I may with my current situation with my skids I do love them and my DW. I do not want to leave them to save myself, I have contributed to the problems as well, to think that only everyone else is to blame is selfish and ridiculous.
I have raised my two SDs for the past 13 years, 12 married to my DW. Their BD is not a deadbeat but takes next to no responsibility in their lives, for all intensive purposes I am their father, I have provided, protected and tried to be the best father that I could be and obviously failed enough as any other parent.
I want the relationship back with my skids that I feel we had once, that feels very far and forgotten.
My DW wanted to be more of a buddy to her girls, but has come to see that doesn't work. She still has weak moments but for the most part she has toughened up a lot, mostly to protect her own heart as it has been broken several times.
My skids are 24 and 18 now, somewhere in their teens things went from tough to awful. Our once not horribly perfect relation turned for the worst. I had to disengage from them to preserve whatever amount of peace possible.
SD24 has turned to an addiction life not accomplishing anything for herself except more problems. She has had 3 children by 3 different guys, two were given up for adoption. She is expecting her fourth any day now by yet another guy. Worse than that she had her other taken by the state, my in-laws have primary custody we have her every weekend. We will have primary custody of the baby when he is born. Sine this started she has tested negative every time and attending meetings, being compliment with everything needed to get her children back. I still don't interact with her due to a very bad number of years between us. She has according to my DW expressed the knowledge that has treated me very wrong but has yet to say this to me.
SD18 is basically treating me the same, that I don't matter and don't deserve her respect or even common kindness but expects me to accept how she wants to live off of us without anything from her. So I don't interact with her either
I haven't given all the awful details but that is it in a nutshell, my DW and I are doing the best we can to agree on all movements forward. It is far from perfect but it is what it is
So thank you to all I have begun to meet here, I have learned a lot already and looking to learn more.
My skids are selfish, disrespectful and ungrateful but I still love them and want a good and loving relationship with them again someday that I know we had once.
- Major Blunder's blog
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Comments
Thanks Jasper, I'm not always
Thanks Jasper, I'm not always hopeful but I try, maybe writing it was just as much for me as anyone else.
As I've been reading your
As I've been reading your posts over the last days, it is clear to me that you're a good person with good intentions. But I am wondering if by your goodness you are enabling bad behavior.
Regarding enabling bad behavior, someone near where I live has a sign posted on their lawn that reads: "Good people elect bad politicians. Don't vote."
It is also true that the road to ruin is paved with good intentions. And from what you have written here so far, it seems that there are other people you're involved with who don't have such good intentions.
What are your thoughts on this, Major Blunder?
You are correct about others
You are correct about others intentions,the skids are self serving however fro what I have learned that is not a skid only trait many BIOS are just the same I know I was. Plus the breakdown of almost every relationship takes two just as it takes two to make it work. They are still my girls, they have a lot to learn but I'm not done with them yet.
I don't know how you can sign
I don't know how you can sign up for 18 more years of this. I know it sounds heartless not to take in the babies, but aren't these just more stepchildren? In fact, much, much worse because the mother of these babies actually hates you (regardless of what palaver she feeds her mother)?
When my own mean SD got into her teens and I saw how no one was gonna teach her proper behavior ever, I started telling my husband "no teen baby mamas in my house ever." This was my way of motivating him to parent her enough to prevent teen pregnancy.
Because there was no way I could continue to breathe air if I had to watch that girl try to parent a helpless baby or if I had to take on a stepchild who actually had SD as a BM. I had already found out the hard way how difficult and demoralizing it is to be a sm to this kid, no way was I walking straight into being the sm to her baby. Shoot me in the head instead, please.
This sd of yours seems to be unable to open a package of condoms. How many of her babies are you going to raise?
You sound lovely. I just want to say, when does Major Blunder get a chance to live?
I have faith that she is
I have faith that she is learning and I signed up for life, good, bad and just this side of hell sometimes. If I concerned myself with when I get to live I would be as self-centered as them, what kind of lesson is that?
Major, it is not about a
Major, it is not about a lesson, it is about self preservation. I totally get ChiefGrownup's point especially since I know a couple that did the same thing over 18 years ago. They are a blended family (not very well blended) Rick (the dad) his adult daughter had a girl that was going to be a ward of the court as a baby (this is Canada) and him and his wife (Helen) fought for custody of that little baby girl spent thousands of their saving to do this. This little girl turned into a monster as she grew older, treated my friend Helen like crap even thought Helen raised her like her own. She stole from them countless times, her and her friends trashed their house, and never showed respect for either Helen or Rick but it was even worse for Helen because she was not blood. Helen did everything for this girl and raised her and loved her like her own but it did not matter. Rick and Helen are now 60 yo and 67 yo old with no savings, no retirement funds, and debit because of this grand daughter and she is still in their house treating them like crap and feel to guilty to kick her out. To top it off Helen's daughter's child of 14 yo is now moved in because she doesn't want to live with Mommy and her boyfriend and is making up lies about her home life. Both of them hate their life in general, have no chance to retire because of they keep raising their grand children and feel they have to.
I have told my DH (who knows this couple) that I am not going to turn in to Rick and Helen, don't get me wrong they are lovely people but I plan to retire, I am done raising children. He agrees but if he changed his mind, I would have to walk since I already see what it turns in to.
I don't disagree with all of
I don't disagree with all of the comments and I appreciate each and everyone. I am not positive and hopeful every day or every minute for that matter. I know SD24 could continue down her path of destructive behavior, I have worked with addicts in the past and know their patterns. I have told DW that I don't trust SD24 at this point. SD18 does work and we don't pay for anything now but she also lives rent free at this point, which will be changing shortly. If I seek to preserve myself, which I have considered many times in the past I would be leaving my DW alone to deal with it and mostly I am the only one who shows her the love and respect she deserves.
How things will work out I don't know, but I pray daily that the Lord placed me here for a reason and it wasn't simply to suffer.
Thank you all for your input I do take all of it to heart.
We have suggested she get her
We have suggested she get her tubes tied after this one. We can only hope she does and that she stays clean and sober.
Wow - I will never ever take
Wow - I will never ever take a grand child into my house, I'm done raising children...
The only time I might consider it, is when both bio parents are killed in a car accident, but if they are alive, no way in hell, not Deigma's brats and sure as hell not Aergia's brats.... SO feels the same about it, thus I will never face this issue...