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I feel like a nanny for my step child...not a partner.

Mab051976's picture

Submitted by Mab051976 on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 10:38am

I am at the end of my rope.  I feel like I am nothing but a nanny for my step child.  My SO and his child's mother have 50/50 custody.  One week on and one week off, as they live in the same school zone it works out that way.   On his week, he works a day shift and is home by time the child is out of school.  On her week, he works a night shift and isnt home until midnight. I have been taking care of SC for 3-4 days minimum on her week.  (All day, as in, child comes home from school, I have to be there, feed him, take him to his various activities (he is in sports year round) and put him to bed and so on).  I am forced to cancel whatever plans I have to accomodate SC on the mothers week.  I do not feel this is fair.  I have two children of my own (12 and 13) and I never ask him to care for my children, I either make sure I am there or have a sitter help with them...or my older son (adult) will take care of them if he is home.  My SO on the other hand tells me it is my responsibility to take care of SC.  I feel used and am resentful.  I have had to cancel numerous plans that I have had due to her needing me to watch at last minute.  When I ask if she can find a sitter, my SO will be irate with me and not speak to me for days.  I feel this is unfair.  I have literally had to stop attending classes over this issue, my education is on hold...I cannot even go to the gym unless I go on my lunch hour.  (I also have to get him up and ready for school in the mornings...as anytime I watch him, it turns into an overnight trip....dad was working night shift, so he is still asleep).  I have had to cancel my routines, my education and health, as well as take my daughters out of their activities because my SO thinks his childs activities are more important and if I should try to argue, he is furious with me...for days on end will not even acknowledge me.  Not to mention our weekends are ALWAYS about the child's sports.  Never an option...we are at sports events every single weekend all year as he puts him in sports year round.  So weekends, we either have him or are at his events.   I feel like I am being used as a nanny and chaffuer to take his son to his activities and bacially babysit on mom's week.  I think it is totally unfair.  I am not close with my SC, he is nice and we are friendly with each other, but not close...I treat him well, he is a good kid.  We get along fine, so there is no issues with that.  She recieves over $800 a month in child support, even though it is 50/50 because SO makes more money.  I feel with her $800 plus she should be able to secure a sitter on her weeks.  It is just beyond frustrating.  With my children, I never call their dad's wife and ask her to watch my kids.  I find a sitter.  If they offered, great, but I would never expect them to stop what they are doing to take the kids when it is my time.   For the record, I would not mind caring for him on her week if I didnt have plans...that is fine and I have no problem with that.  It is the being told that I have to cancel everything to take care of him on her week that is infuriating.  Why do you have 50/50 if we have him 3-4 days of her week?  Why does he tell her this is ok, over and over when it isnt him taking care of child.  AM I being awful or do I have a right to be upset?  This is very frustrating.  Any advice would be great.  Ugh.

***To answer a few commentors.  No, I am not financially dependent on him.  I pay half of the mortgage and household bills as well as my own car payment/insrance and such.  We split the household bills and then have our own.  I am not financially dependent on him at all.  I've never been unemployed since 15 and I am 43. 

Comments

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 10:50am

Good Lord, why are you putting up with this crap? Not only is it NOT your responsibility to take care of your step child on your SO's time, it is certainly not your responsibility to take care of him on the mother's time.

And, he doesn't speak for you for days if you bring this up?

Stop putting your life on hold for these ingrates and go back to living your life.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 10:53am

No, this is NOT fair and it is certainly NOT your responsibiility to play chauffeur and babysitter to his child.

What would your SO do if you were not there?? His child is there to be with HIM; not you. He is taking advantage of the fact that you are home with your children. He needs to find another job with different hours.

Also, his getting mad and not speaking to you? That is NOT okay. This is not how normal ADULTS communicate. This is passive-aggressive, abusive BS. You should not tolerate this AT ALL.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Submitted by Myss.Tique D'Off on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 11:12am

Remind me, WHY is it YOUR responsibility to look after a child that has two parents?

Mab051976 - you are beyond being used. This is doormat territory.

Your education is on hold? No, no, no!!

This is not a relationship - this is you being a convenience to two bone lazy people who WONT take care of their own child.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 11:20am

You are a nanny and guess what.....NO its not your responsibility to take care of his child. This is interfering with your life and every day plans so it doesn't work well for you. He and his childs mother need to find other arrangements that suit their schedule that includes not putting you in it. At least this is what I would do, its your choice. You are running ragged with two kids of your own and none of them are being appreciative for all that you do. 

Yeah he can figure that out with his kids mom and you can go about your merry way and do you. I'd be d@mned I'm expected to do all this work while he's being ungrateful. This should make you consider your future with him and what you may or may not be willing to put up with. Whatever that may be, you should have a serious talk with him.

Wishing you the best!

Siempre

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 11:49am

Are you financially independent or are you dependent on this man?  If you're a SAHM, he might think that since he's supporting the household, you should be watching his kid, whether it's on his week or the BM's.  He's wrong, but that is probably his thought process.  Your best bet might be to get a job if you don't already have one.  At least that will put you in a better position to walk away when you're tired of being used and abused.  Was this discussed at all before you married him?  Oh, and you are correct - if he will not discuss this with you in a civil fashion and hear your viewpoint, you are the nanny and chauffeur, NOT his partner.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 1:41pm

Absolutely, futuro, she should be ASKED and given the opportunity to agree or not to do this.  If she is NOT working, her husband then has the option to ask her to work instead of being a SAHM.   

Reading the original post again, she mentions lunch hour, so maybe she does have a job.  I do think it's relevant, but whether she works outside the home or not, she is being used and not treated fairly.

Mab051976's picture

Submitted by Mab051976 on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 9:19pm

No, I am not dependednt on him financially at all.  I added to my original comments.  Thank you for your advice.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 10:00pm

If you are not dependent on him financially and are working full time, then it is crazy for him to expect you to be playing nanny and chauffeur for his kid (and essentially for his ex).  You need to put your foot down and tell your husband that his kid is NOT your responsibility, particularly during his wife's time.  It's ridiculous that his ex-wife can't find a sitter to watch the kid and run him around on her time.   If he continues to verbally abuse you over the issue, then you have to ask yourself whether this is the situation for you. 

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 12:31pm

You said…

I have to be there,

I am forced to cancel whatever plans I have to accomodate SC      

I have had to cancel numerous plans

I have literally had to stop attending classes over this issue,

I also have to get him up and ready for school in the mornings

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 And there are several more statements just like this.  This sucks but you have not HAD to do all of this.  No one FORCED you to do anything.  You are choosing to do all of these things.  Tell your idiot DH NO!!! 

Why are you doing all of this?  Are you afraid your DH will leave you if you do not take care of his and BMs kids?  He does not sound like that great of a catch anyway. 

Practice this…NO. Say it often and loud. 

I also assume you do not work?  If not…go get you a job ASAP.  Why do you not have a job as your kids are all old enough for you to work?  I would assume your DH thinks you should help if he is supporting you and your 3 kids.    (Not sure if you work or not)

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 1:01pm

Put very simply:

By allowing this you are putting your own children behind his. Does that sound ok to you?

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 1:39pm

You ARE being used as a nanny and a chauffer.  I'd go get a hotel room with my kids for a week or so and let SO figure out how to take care of HIS kid.  And then revisit the subject with him.  It's one thing to help out here and there, I don't think any of us would have an issue with that, but it sounds like you are doing the lion's share and that is wrong. 

KittyKatMomma's picture

Submitted by KittyKatMomma on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 2:28pm

Honey unless this man is holding a gun to your head-he is not forcing you to do anything.

It's okay to say no

 

and If he wants to not talk to you because he didn't get his way-that's on him not you.

Quite frankly I would ask what am i getting from this relationship and reconsider my options.

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 4:57pm

I rarely say "get out," but GET OUT.  How do YOUR children feel about coming in 2nd with their own mother?  What are you teaching them about how a marriage should work?  THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. 

Why is it more important to him to accomodate BM than to make sure his WIFE is ok.  I get kids being a priority, but let's be clear about something -right now, his priority is SS, BM, and you and your children IN THAT ORDER.  If he wants to be pissed and not talk to you for three days because you refused to change your plans to accomodate BM, then run a bath, pour yourself a glass of wine, and enjoy the quiet! 

Good God woman, I can't believe how FURIOUS I am FOR YOU right now!!!

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 05/17/2018 - 11:11pm

I saw this and hello...

"if I should try to argue, he is furious with me...for days on end will not even acknowledge me. "

bad, very bad. get out like now.

Luvsasher88's picture

Submitted by Luvsasher88 on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 3:40am

Thank you for sharing this post! I am in a similar situation. When i met my guy i made more money then him and gave it up to move and be close to him and help with kids. Now I'm a piece of nothing because i teach preschool now, which i love, and dont make as much as him. Ive taken care of his kids thru him starting his business and I'm told constantly that i don't have any value... Im about to walk away and let him hire a.nanny