My soon to be stepdaughter is extremely clingy with her dad
My soon to be step daughter is 12 years old. I have been dating her dad for 2 and a half year.. It wi be three years when we get married.. He was never in a relationship with her mom but they get along well and communication is great between them. About 14 months ago she started getting really clingy.. She will stay right on top of hi on the couch. She makes him stay up until 1-3am until she cat fight sleep anymore then he comes to bed. By 7am she is texting his phone for him to get up and sit with her. She won't even sleep in a bedroom she will only sleep in the living room which is close to our bedroom.. Anytime he tries to sit with me she wil come sit on his lap. When we are out she hangs on him like a toddler.. This past weekend she begged him to carry her because she was tired of walking.. I would partially understand if he didn't pay her attention but he does. He is a great father. We have been talking about having a baby but I don't know with the way he behavior already is.. I know she hates eating at my house because I have a diabetic chid, so we eat very healthy and never have "junk food". She is used to her mom and dad feeding whAtever fast food or processed foods she wants. She is over weight for her age. She is a few years younger than my daughter but always wants to try to squeeze into the clothes my daughter is getting rid of.. My daughter is very athletic and muscular.. And has ate heathy her entire life.. So it make me feel bad when she tries on my daughters clothes and they are not close to fitting. Also in the past year her mom has started making very odd reasons for needing extra money here and there.. It's not just $40 or so. It's amounts like &$200 or more.. She gets a really nice sized chid support check and I buy their daughters clothes and shoes for our house and her moms house. Her mom refuses to buy nice clothes and I only buys 1 pair of very cheap shoes for her. She always. Pains she is so broke and can barely get by but just bought a new Volvo. I have 2 kids with medical needs one with severe medical needs. I never got chid support and my kids never went without the best clothes and shoe or anything else. I just don't know how to talk to him about the daughter being clingy and the daughters mom always wanting more money. I do know if we can't resolve this I will not marry him.. I love this an with my entire heart and soul. He has been my best friend for almost 14 years.. Please someone help me.. I would love to be able to walk around holding his hand without his 12 year ole between us wrapped around his arm. I just need to know how I should approach these issues with him before it completely ruins our relationship..
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The SD is completely lazy
The SD is completely lazy just like the BM.. It's is unbelievable! My daughter will not even come home the weekends she is here because she has rules to follow and the SD doesn't. My mom just mentioned therapy to because this isn't normal behavior. SD acts 2 instead of 12!! We are supposed to get married in October, but as much as it breaks my heart I really don't think I can go thru with it unless things change. The SD has a bedroom at our house but like I said sleeps on the couch because it's closer to our bedroom. She will even follow him around the house.. Outside if he is loading his work truck.. I have never seen a bio child or step child act like this. I have 8 brothers and sister and a few are blended and have never seen this before. I am thankful that I found this site and hopefully I will get some more great feedback in how to handle this issue. Thanks!
I don't think he knows what
I don't think he knows what to do or say. He works out of town and feel guilty about his time at home but he has to keep this job in order to afford the child support.. I do know that she has shared a bedroom with her mom and when I found out I just couldn't believe it!! The BM coddles her like she is a baby. I have tried to get her involved in different activities because my children are very active in sports. The SD just will not try anything. I am just completely fed up and would love to save our relationship but unless he does something he will have to move out. I have two children and my daughter has stopped coming home the weekends the SD is there because of her laziness and lack of rules to follow. So I can't keep doing this to my child. She shouldn't have to avoid her home because of them. I am going to tell him everything I feel when he gets home. As far as all the extra money the BM needs I want to start seeing paper work from the school relating to these issues and contact with the teachers. If extra money is needed we can directly pay the school ourselves! Like I said I am past fed up so either he does something about it when he gets home or he can pack his things and just keep that lifestyle up somewhere else!
Sounds like you are feeding a
Sounds like you are feeding a drug habit or some kind of spending addiction. She will just enjoy using up your nuclear family's savings. You and dad grow some balls.
Thanks everyone!! It is nice
Thanks everyone!! It is nice to have somewhere to have help with these issues!!
He does let her eat, sleep
He does let her eat, sleep and everything else at her choice! I don't know if his is afraid or just doesn't know how.. But he has watched me with my kids since we met 14 years ago.. My 14 year old daughter has a weekend bedtime and chores that why she refuses to be here when his daughter is here.. The only time I have heard him say anything to her is after she had eaten junk all day and laid on the couch with a belly ache for 3 hours, she was texting him and he was in the chair next to the couch,, she was texting him trying to get him to sit on the couch with her.. He told her to stop texting him that he was less than 4 feet from her that she could talk. About 30 mins later he got up to get a piece of Turtle Pie (came from a parent that didn't know my son was diabetic).. Well as soon as she seen the pie, her tummy ache was gone!! She asked for a piece of pie and he was going to give it to her and I said I really that's a bad idea, she has laid on the couch with a tummy ache from eating too much and you are just going to let her have pie?!?!?!!.. Well she got mad and she was ready to go back to the BM house.. I didn't talk to him before about the bedtimes on weekend because of her age.. So that weekend he have her an option to sleep in the bedroom or sleep on the living room floor! Of course she choose the floor! So the next weekend at 9:30 I told her to go put on her pajamas and go to bed in the bedroom... She looked at me and said no I am fine I will sleep in my clothes in here! I told her I did Not ask a question that I told her what she was going to do! That caused about 2 months of drama with BM.. I just want I get them all together and point out all these very dysfunctional things that are going on!! It will only go two ways it will get better or he will move out.. The way it is heading anyway!!
I found quite a few posts on
I found quite a few posts on other sites from bio parents frustrated and puzzled by their child's preteen clinginess. Seems like it is a 'thing' that some children go through, either triggered buy a change like divorce/illness/remarriage/new sibling, or a part of puberty as they fear growing up and cling to being their parents baby for a while...before they turn teen and begin ignoring them! Most likely your partner is vaguely uncomfortable but doesn't like to 'reject' his child and doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe there are books on this?
http://www.circleofmoms.com/kids-aged-over-10yrs-old./why-can-t-i-get-my...
First of all, let me say.
First of all, let me say. Buck up and find your inner bitch. I was the doormat and it took me far too long to disengage and force, (you can make a horse drink water) my SO to stop the bullshit. I fought in-home therapy since we were going to out of home therapy and I was sick and tired of my 3 littles getting the short end of every stick. (My fault for obsessing and "worrying" over skids and SO's baggage and trying to "fix" everything.) Lo and behold! Therapy turned out to be what we needed. That was where I was safe to say out loud whatever I felt and SO wouldn't yell at me for it. Therapist would redirect my mini tirades but first she would agree with me and that hit home with Disney daddy sitting beside me as well as princess (the looks on princesses faces when HER therapist agreed with me were priceless.) The "phase" was phased out when I outed my SD at her therapist we 3 saw when skid was 12/13 (1st 1/2 hr. BM, Stepdad and skid; 2nd 1/2 SO, me and SD).
You will hear adults say, "Oh. that is normal at her age." While it might be normal for a girl to have Electra fantasies about her daddy, it becomes ABnormal when daddy and BM (who usually encourage their kid to chase daddy) don't correct and redirect the behavior. Voila…you got a serious problem. My SD did the same and I was freaked! Before my husband and 1DD10 and 2 DS (3/5) was murdered, she and he had a very loving and cozy, but not this icky bullshit father/daughter relationship, so I know what normal is. Funny how kids with both parents who are divorced are more confused than kids whose dad is killed. But it is because BM is bitchy and jealous and daddy is confused and playing the good guy (let's not hurt anybody's feelings here except maybe the new woman because she will take it, and that is where he will let loose.)
Therapist agreed skid's behavior at the time was out of the "norm". Imagine full out planking (even standing)…the best was when he would be in a small circle of adults at a family function, and she would step into the middle, press her body against his with her neck on his chest gazing up at him. At church (which mommy scared her from), let's make sure we lay across daddy's lap or hang on him and nuzzle his neck. Gross and embarrassing. Remember..daddy is the deer in the headlights, and even though he is the FURTHEST thing from a perv, had no idea what to do. Remember now…daddies NEVER ever want to hurtsy/wurtsy their princess's feelings. Can't wait til next therapy (remember, I had despised it previously, but my 3 got to play at friends or go to grandma's..I wouldn't drag them deeper into the BS). SO squirmed and admitted to therapist in front of princess that it made him uncomfortable and man was skid pissed! This is a stand-up guy that couldn't even fathom the impression it was giving. He would tell me I had a sick mind when I told him daughter was crossing the line (which I do not). It would have been one thing if while we were watching a movie, she would sit by him and maybe occasionally lean against him, but when it was her laying on one side of him and me on the other with her eyes glaring at me instead of the movie……twisted! Also, keep in mind, we steps know the diff between "normal" and "abnormal" behaviors and are seasoned moms ourselves many of us. But having daggers thrown your way while princess tries to reclaim her "prince" during a family movie, is NOT normal. BM used to tell her, I quote: "Your daddy does not love you as much as he loves "her." We had to sit her down and explain the different types of love. Doesn't help that the man BM cheated on and was final straw for divorce, is 20 years older than BM. Very confusing when mommy marries someone who could be mommy's daddy. Oy vey!
Do Not! I repeat NOT! ever let her sleep with you, him, you and him. She will get older and when she feels rejected by her fantasy boyfriend (daddy), she and BM might turn that around on you and accusations stick longer than the truth!
It can only stay the same, get better, or get much, much worse!
***BM used to tell her, I
***BM used to tell her, I quote: "Your daddy does not love you as much as he loves "her."***
Girls will stake their territory with their dads, and a statement like that to them will make the situation a WHOLE lot worse. That is a horrible thing to say to your daughter, verbally and emotionally abusive.
Having a therapist point out the certain inappropriate actions is a very good idea. Sometimes these dads don't realize how the behaviors appear to other people.
My SD10 has some of these behaviors but it has really toned down over the last year. It helped that I pointed out some things to FDH and he actually took some action to help correct them.
My mom suggested I find a
My mom suggested I find a therapist. I will start looking for one in the morning!! She has never and will never sleep in our bed.. She sleeps in bed with her BM at their house!!! She has tried to get him to sleep on the couch so she could sleep in the floor beside of him but he told her no.. She wasn't like this the first year we lived together.. It has been just the past year, since the BM starting having money problems.. She has to sit by him on the couch.. If we are all watching a movie I will lay on couch with my head on his leg.. My children will be on other furniture or laying in the floor, but the SD will sit as his feet up against him. Just this past weekend he and I had plans to go to ikea (I am redoing the kids bedrooms).. The SD decided she wanted to go.. We told her that it takes around 2 hours or more just to walk thru that store and we had to shop so we would be there for at least 4 hours. She is to lazy to walk to the swing set, much less walk around Ikea! So she went and within an hour she was complaining about being tired and didn't want to walk anymore! She hung on him the entire time.. I know he noticed I was pissed off by my behavior.. I finally just walked away from them! About an hour later she ask him to carry her, I was just looking at her like WTF?!?!?!.. I told her that she was too old to be acting like a baby! He is out of state working and will be home in 12 more days and I told him we had to talk when he gets home.. He ask what it was about and I told him it was to important to discuss over the phone.. If he can't handle this he will have to move out. I have dealt with it for far to long and I refuse to keep dealing with it.!!!!
Exactly! The main ingredient
Exactly! The main ingredient is a mature, solid DH! Not to mention, at 12 she looked 18 and now at 17 she looks 23. About 5'11" and 170.
You need someone to help you
You need someone to help you help him pull his head out of his ass. If you can't get him to agree to therapy, next time you are out with skids, plan for someone he doesn't know to come up to him and his hand-holding skid while you are in the next aisle and ask him, "How long have you two been dating?" In the meantime, give him angry sex. (it's a challenge)
I have stopped having sex
I have stopped having sex with him when SD is at our house! Most of the time he picks her up when he comes in from out of town working and we haven't seen each other in one or two weeks.. And it's hard but I just am not in the mood because of dealing with the SD all day!
Do it! And let us know the
Do it! And let us know the good news. I gotta get off here and do some work! HUGS! Please do at least one thing today for yourself and refocus on put the focus back on you and your 3 bios.
Sounds like you have a
Sounds like you have a mini-wife on your hands. Good luck. I have one, too, with my SD12. Wants to hang all over my husband and come between us anytime she can. He needs to understand this is inappropriate at this age and it is unhealthy for her. I have been fighting this battle for a year now and thought it was going well, then viola'! It rears its ugly head again this weekend at an Irish Festival. SD12 ALL OVER my husband. Couldn't get near him. It was enough to make me puke. BIG fight with DH afterwards. Will this never go away??? I think if I ever figure it out I'm going to write a book on mini-wives.
Do they get daddy/daughter
Do they get daddy/daughter time together?
IMO, daddy/daughter time
IMO, daddy/daughter time together only makes the situation worse because it confirms in her mind that she's "equal" to his wife and fully entitled to "dates" with her father as much as her stepmother is. She needs to understand she is the child. Either they go out as a family or the father and stepmother go out as a couple.
Hmmmm...didn't think of it in
Hmmmm...didn't think of it in that way. Could be.
I guess I was thinking more along the lines of her being desperate for his attention if he doesn't give her much. Not so much 'dates', more like activities around the house, playing a game, etc.
Yes they do get
Yes they do get daddy/daughter time.. I started that when he moved in.. He works out of town/state a lot. So I make sure he takes he out for a dinner and movie.. Or find something for them to do together. She gets attention from him, he is a great dad.. I think this is bothering him too but he doesn't know what to do. I am going to try some suggestions I have gotten on here and if it doesn't work I will try a therapist. Hopefully we can get the issue resolved before it completely kills our relationship.
Katielee is right IMHO.
Katielee is right IMHO. Special dates with daddy reinforces a SDs idea that she is equal to the SM. I do encourage daddy-daughter alone time to shop for new soccer cleats or attend softball practice or buy a birthday present for a relative, etc. SD gets Dad to herself, away from sister-competition, no interruptions. But by and large, I say NO to "dates."
That being said, I also tell my DH he needs to value his girls' opinions and talk to them. Really talk. Look them in the eye, ask them questions about themselves and their feelings. He is the first man they will ever love and it is his job to model the behavior (set the bar) for how every other boy for the rest of their lives will treat them.
I have being restless about
I have being restless about this for some time and thought i would share my emotions and check whether anybody can offer me any counsel.
I have been with my life partner for about 2 years. I have a 5yr old child and he has 3 children he sees everyother weekend. His most youthful is his girl who is 13 in Feb. My issue is the way clingy she is with him when we are out. She cannot be out without either holding his hand/having her arms around him the entire time. In the event that i attempt to draw near she interferes with us. Presently at first it didnt trouble me since we were new in our relationship. Be that as it may, now i feel like a gooseberry when we are out. I am sidelined by them both.
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Greetings, I have being on
Greetings,
I have being on edge about this for some time and thought i would share my emotions and check whether anybody can offer me any counsel.
I have been with my life partner for about 2 years. I have a 5yr old child and he has 3 children he sees everyother weekend. His most youthful is his girl who is 13 in Feb. My issue is the way clingy she is with him when we are out. She cannot be out without either holding his hand/having her arms around him the entire time. On the off chance that i attempt to draw near she divides us. Presently at first it didnt trouble me since we were new in our relationship. Be that as it may, now i feel like a gooseberry when we are out. I am sidelined by them both.
I have attempted to converse with him about how i feel, however he is extremely defensive over his children and said he said he thought i could deal with being a gooseberry all the more then her.
The most noticeably awful time was the point at which we went on our first family occasion over the mid year. She didnt walk out on him the entire time we were out. It feels more like she is his better half! I realize that sounds silly, however its how i feel.
Her dad and I are extremely tactlie, so it appears to be each children weekend we have an alternate relationship.
Am i insane and infantile to feel like this about his girl??
Help!
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Much appreciated everybody!!
Much appreciated everybody!! It is decent to have some place to have help with these issues!!
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