New User, New Blog - Way too much drama, when is it enough?
Hello! This website is a godsend! Have been a stepparent to a 10 y o girl for almost 2 years. My partner and his ex were divorced already when I met him, a very bitter acrimonious divorce and custody battle. She was emotionally and physically violent towards him for years, and eventually started an affairand moved her new beau into the marital home (no, really....)
To cut a long story short, I had a very close bond with my sd from the start. I adore her and she was alwys very comfortable with me. We also went on holiday together the 3 of us. Things were fine until last Autumn, when the ex kicked off for no other reason that I saw her with SD in the street and I said hello. Since then, it's been a living hell. She made up lies that I hate children and I told SD that I all adults hate children (no idea where that even came from)). 6 weeks ago she somehow found out that the girl was staying with me for the day (she was off school with a cold and her Dad was at work) and went ape****. She came round to my house shouting and demanding to see her daughter. I made the mistake of opening the door and she physically attacked me, SD literally hold her back. Then she marched the SD away and has since made her swear on her life never to see me again. The police have done nothing, even though I have pressed charges for ABH. I haven't seen the SD since, and my relationship with my partner is under massive strain as he is terrified of losing his daughter, so since the attack I have been not able to see him when she's around. (we don't live together yet, the plan was to move in together later this year, but who knows. However, partner and SD used to spend most of the time at my flat and everybody was very happy before the ex from hell kicked off) I am at a loss. Nobody seems to be helping or protecting me. This mad woman has ruined my life. Sorry for the rant 
Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
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Comments
Only you can make that
Only you can make that decison...that sounds like too much for me. Can you live with drama like that for the next decade, or longer?
What is your SO doing to
What is your SO doing to protect you from his ex? Does he put up boundaries, hold her accountable, etc?
This woman doesn't really
This woman doesn't really respect any boundaries. She has zero respect for police and authorities in general and broke restraining orders in the past. My SO doesn't engage with her on any level beyond emails dealing strictly with SD. Is he protecting me? I don't know how you can protect anybody against a full blown psycho.
Hmmm
What is in the parenting plan or whatever documentation they have drawn up?
She can make a fuss all she wants but as long as your DH isn't going to stand his ground and tell her to back off then you get what you get.
She sounds very toxic and sees you as a threat. Personally I would retreat into the shadows for a while and let DH sort this out once and for all. Why you didn't get her charged for attacking you in your home is beyond me. Actually I would set her up for an exchange and you can be there and secretly video her entire bad behavour on your phone. Then DH can use it in court.
The one thing you have to remember in a divorce is there is his story, her story and in the middle is the truth.
Thank you, I know what you
Thank you, I know what you mean about there being 3 sides to everything. Point is, their divorce is not my problem, it wsa done way before I met him. The police has done zilch to charge her because she has denied kicking me. The child has also lied to protect her mother, no doubt instructed and threatened by her.
This woman didn't just run
This woman didn't just run her mouth. She actually put her hands on you. A child had to keep her off of you.
A woman crazy enough to try to fight you in your own home, won't think twice about jumping on you in the street. No man on the face of this earth is worth that level of drama/crazy.
You are not married to this man. You do not have kids with him and do not live with him. Walking away from his little shit show should be a no brainer.
Is this relationship with him
Is this relationship with him (not his kid) worth years of mental anguish and abuse as well as possibly more physical abuse from the mother. Also consider the loyalty bind the skid will have to deal with if her mom is already on the level. The skid could also become a target for abuse. I say simply date the guy until the skid ages out IF he is truly worth it. See him a couple times a week and spend weekend with him when the girl is not around. Let her know it’s because her mother’s requirement and you’re respecting her wishes until the girl is old enough to make the decision to have a relationship with you on her own. Don’t put dad in the middle. Leave the girl a card or little gifts around holidays and birthdays to let her know you’re thinking about her but do not try to engage further than that out of caution to how psycho and violent her crazy mother might become.
Thank you...
...to all of you.
This is where we are: Social Services have been involved The child has lied to them (all lies fed to her by her BM), denied the woman physically assaulted me. She also said she doesn't want to see me. Not a bad word was said about her BM. This sweet child 2 months ago used to call me her stepmum and hug me goodnight. Her BM has gone to such level of Parental Alienation (I presume you're all familiar with it.... sorry, I'm only new here) that there doesn't seem to be any way back.
My SO isn;t reacting very well to it, and I feel blamed for "pushing the issue".
I know most of you say I should just walk away, and on the surface it does seem like the logical thig to do. But I do love them both dearly and I struggle to let go of the family unit we were just a few weeks ago.
Also, and I know this might sound ridiculous, but I don't want this crazy BM to have her way. Why should she get to ruin 3 people's lives?
Again, thanks to you all. I have very few people to turn to, and I am so desperate that at times I find myself in a very dark place.
It's your choice, everyone
It's your choice, everyone else has given you advice to get out.
If you do end up staying, get nanny cams and possibly a front door one, so if she does try something again, you have evidence. I would think of a restraining order as well, she breaks that, call the police and get it sorted out by them. She may not respect them now, get a few charges to stick and she may change her tune.
That's only if you decide to stay though.
I am working on a restraining
I am working on a restraining order, but UK law seems quite useless ATM - can't get restraining order unless she gets charged and we're still waiting to see if CPS will charge her, but they probably won't because she has denied kicking me. She has admitted spitting on my face, but that is only common assault. SD has lied too, so that's where I'm at.
No offence, but I don't need patronizing - I was hoping for emotional support and advice on how to deal with the situation in a time of acute crisis.
I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, I got myself out of that. I am pretty independent and have no financial issues. But I do love my partner and he loves me, so why should we allow a crazy controlling b**** to ruin our future?
I'm not patronizing, and no
I'm not patronizing, and no offense taken.
I'm just worried about your safety is all
I was just letting you know I see it as your choice and just trying to offer something besides just up and running.
Also I agree, crazy controlling b**** shouldn't be able to ruin your lives. Which is why you need to put things in place to be sure you're safe and can still function.
No patronizing at all, just look after yourself and make sure you're safe. You won't have much of a life with your partner if they psycho escalates either.