Disengaging from my marriage...
So my H is to the point where he's tired of hearing it and I'm tired of saying it.
He clearly is NOT interested in respecting me if it comes at the "cost" of actually having to parent his child. To me, I am asking for basic respects and common courtesies. To him, I am apparently asking for the moon.
So today I realized that it's time for me to disengage from him. It's time to take it a step beyond just leaving his kids to him. Now, I will no longer even attempt to talk to him about any issue that directly impacts me. Rather, I will talk directly to the offending skid - whether he likes it or not. I'm not even going to talk to him about any of it.
These past few weeks has been a really harsh realization for me in regards to the fact that my H has absolutely ZERO compunctions about throwing me under the bus in order to avoid having to be "uncomfortable" or having to parent his children.
It's never going to change.
He will always only "love" and "respect" me only so long as his children aren't around. When they are, I am quite literally, nothing more than chopped liver.
I'm over it. I'm done trying to make my point. I'm done trying to make things work. I'm the only one trying, so what the f*ck do I really think I could accomplish? It's the same sh*t I always do to myself.
I'm going to finish putting my office together - complete with a lock on the door. Then, I am going to move all of my personal items into the locked room - so I don't have to worry about my sh*t being taken, used, and unreturned. Then I'll just start spending all of my free time in my office.
I don't know how else I am supposed to handle the way I feel right now. I feel as though I can't even look at my H without wanting to throw up. I regret marrying him. It hurts me so much to know that I matter not and that, no matter how bad his kids treat me, it will always be ok to him. It hurts me tremendously to know that he expects his children to treat perfect strangers with complete and total respect, but that he won't hold them accountable to give me those same courtesies.
I just don't understand how he can justify his choices to himself.
Well... now it's my time to make a choice:
a) I feel that my choice is to continue beating my head against a brick wall and investing/giving my 100% into my marriage (to only get a 25% effort in return), or
b) I stop. I. just. stop.
Two words keep going around in my head: Why bother.
What's the point anymore? I'm just trying to make something happen that isn't going to happen. So I might as well just go into damage control mode and start protecting myself from further harm and start repairing damage done.
I used to think he was a great guy, but now he makes my stomach hurl and my skin crawl. I am so disappointed in myself that I am here - in this place - again.
It seems that there are some lessons I will never learn. I suppose that I am just better off alone. I'd rather be alone and lonely than married and lonely.
- LRP75's blog
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Comments
Are you the scissors and
Are you the scissors and soapdish poster?
If so, do you think this is really the relationship for you? You sound so unhappy.
OMG! Were are really living
OMG! Were are really living the same life. My H would rather cute his own leg off then teach his S right from wrong. Its a damn shame. I sometimes feel the same way as you do. How could I have put my self and my BD in this mess. hope thing's get better for you.
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying you sound so liw and beaten down. But I wonder why you choose to live like that to the point now you will put yourself and your things into a little box to live. Is thar living or avoiding making the choice this really isn't working for you anymore and you just don't know how to tell yourself divorce, leave your not happy your marriage is deteriorating not improving. Think long and hard is this what you really want for the rest of your life?
I just wanted to tell you
I just wanted to tell you that I hear your pain & offer up my Hugs!
It's hard when you love
It's hard when you love someone and know they have betrayed your faith in them. It's hard to live with that. If you like, if you want, it could drive you insane. It's your juicy morsel to chew or not, I recommend a resounding NO. No matter what goes on what with all the hoo ha, you must just stay centered within yourself.
My SK's are late teens. They
My SK's are late teens. They don't outright "disrespect" me, they're more quiet about it. They do everything within their power(s) to ignore me. They refuse to speak my name or address me directly. They will not listen to anything I say (not that I tell them to do anything), it all has to come from their dad. When their dad is not around, they will cut in front of me, shoulder bump me going up/down stairs, etc. the only thing I have ever said to them about this is that they will NEVER make physical contact with me again (one time I was carrying stuff up the stairs and their "shoulder bump" about knocked me backwards down 12 stairs). I did tell my DH about this, and told him if I or either of my children get injured because of this stupid shit, the SK's are O.U.T. OUT. And if he needs to go with them, so be it.
Usually I say nothing because I know where it will lead. DH will blow up at me, and yell, "What the f*ck do you expect me to do about it?? They barely speak to me!" blah blah blah. Honestly, I don't expect him to do a damned thing. He let this behavior go on for so long, it's a lost cause to address it now.
But what I did tell him.... he can't "change" how his sons behave towards me (and my family). But what he can change is how he reacts to ME -- a little bit of empathy goes a long way. But I also told him I think he has too much guilt to be empathetic, because the behaviors I speak of really stem from his inability to set some boundaries and expectations with his kids early on, and now here we are.
Step children are a tempting
Step children are a tempting distraction from a larger issue. Whether it's step children or the goddman end of the world, is he united with you or not? It's not about the kids, their issues, it's about whether or not he's trustworthy. So many of us defend our partners, as if we should end up fucking have to. I'm done with that. I'm done with the bullshit, most of all my own. How many of you feel totally free spreading your legs wide and letting him touch you on your most meaningful places? Do you or don't you? And why or why not? That's the real issue here. Not their day to day bullshit. What is at issue is ths: trust given and then trust retracted.
I'm fucking tired of all this bullshit, so tired. I want freedoom on every level. I am a good woman, a faithful woman, a loving woman first and always foremost to my children which any man with any sense understands must be in place befoer a woman can be free with him.
Oh, I've volumes of my fed up ness.
newwife, so true - never too
newwife, so true - never too late. I am 48 and starting over. Better to be HAPPY no matter what your age!