How involved should an SM be?
If you are a BM with a decent relationship with the SM - please respond. If not, please move on - thanks.
I'm on the brink of a decent relationship with BM of SS2 and would just like to do my best not to overstep here. With an SS2 there are obviously a lot of developemental and behavioral milestones to come, and there are things I would love to discuss with BM but not sure if it's appropriate. For instance, I notice SS2 shying away from different dairy products. I've mentioned it to DH but he doesn't seem to notice or think of it as an issue. I've asked him to mention it to BM but he forgets or maybe doesn't want to rock the boat (she can sometimes turn it into him not knowing his son, etc...) We have SS2 one overnight every weekend and 2 eves during the week until he's 3 then it's typical EOWE, etc.. so for now we don't see him or his habits all that often and BM shares at times but inconsistently. Plus SS2 changes so often it's hard to keep up. It's nothing alarming, SS2 is healthy - I'm just using this as an example. How deep should my reach be - don't want to cross any boundaries, still trying to feel my way through this. I'm also not a BM so I'm sure I fall into a lot of the 'new mom' type of paranoia...IDK
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Thanks for that. even
Thanks for that. even without kids I can see how protective BM's are so careful of it. There are times at drop off when BM has come into the house - and she is welcome - and engaged with me so I usually wait for those moments. It's probably like everything else, I just need to be patient which isn't one of my virtues
I'm not looking to be her best friend - just a line of communication that is comfortable for both of us and is focused on nothing but SS2. Glad to know there is hope.
IMO a Sparent should be
IMO a Sparent should be totally involved and an equity parent to their spouse and the BM/BioDad X.
Whether the CP or NCP I would insist on being an all in partner to my spouse. If the blended family oppostion wants to cooperate and team for the best interests of the Skid(s) then great. If not, tough shit, I am totally involved and have my SO's back and my Skid's back regardless of what the oppostion BioParent thinks or wants.
I attempted to work with my SS-19's SpermIdiot and SpermClan in the begining but they made it abundently clear that they were only interested in manipulation and using the Skid and the courts to get at my wife. I very quickly put the long term strategy in place to bare their idiot asses in court and publically any and every chance that presented itself to minimize their toxic influence on my Skid, on my wife and on my family. My SS was 1yo when our blended family adventure started.
You are a parent to your Skid and have noticed issues with dairy and other things. Present them to both your DH and BM and if they choose not to act on your observations ... you do it. Take the kid to a Doc and let the pros assess the situation.
Just my thoughts of course.
I am a BM and help BF parent
I am a BM and help BF parent his DD12 she lives with us one week on one week off. It took a few years for me to get along with my kids SM she had an affair with my husband and he left me for her LONG STORY!!! But now we get along just fine she is great to my kids and they love her very much. We have had some bumps along the way but for the most part we respect each others boundaries and get along. My kids are all older now DD21,DD19 and DS 17 but she was involved since DS was 3.
My deal now is that having my experience I really try hard not to repeat mistakes that I made, with BM. She is a little on the crazy side but for the most part leaves us alone. She and I can talk and coordinate things for SD12 and she usually comes to me to ask for extra time etc. We have a very good working relationship but it is strictly business no chit chat nothing more than SD and her needs and her schedule. So far it has been working out well.
Now her and my BF don't get along mostly because she starts every conversation with him saying "You need to (fill in the blank)" she still tries to control him and tell him what to do. If he answers the phone and she does that he hangs up. If she tries to be civil he will listen but she always does the control thing and click goes the phone, most of the time now he just ignores her calls and she will text him or call me. For now it works we have minimal contact with her and SD12 is doing okay.
I'm a BM and SM so I can
I'm a BM and SM so I can share my experience and opinion with you.
On the BM side, I ALWAYS want to know ANY concerns ANYONE has regarding my children! MY DS9's BF had several GF's while he was still in DS's life, but they changed as often as the weather, so I never really established a relationship with any of them; however, I always made it clear to them that if they had any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to call me/talk to me. My priority was my son, as should have been their's, so please - keep me informed! But remember, it's all in the approach... that dictates (most of the time) the reaction you will get, IMHO.
On the SM side, BM and I get along great. I let her know up front that I would be as helpful to her and DH as I could, barring any schedule conflicts, of course. That said, I've had a few 'issues' with her and DH getting together and making decisions without running it by me first... and she takes FULL advantage of my willingness to 'help her out' when I can (she calls several times/week to pass the skids along to us because she's got something to do)... but all in all, it works and we can openly discuss anything that is going on with the skids.
IMHO, I think it's in everyone's best interest to try and keep the lines of communication open... especially if there are health or behavioral concerns... just my opinions, though
Are you married to your SO?
Are you married to your SO? She may have an issue with you overstepping moreso if you are not yet married to him...atleast that's been my experience as well as many other SM's that I know.
I think you should definitely open up the door to communicate with her -- maybe even via email? -- so she knows that you care and want to help co-parent. Maybe you should just be open and honest with her about your worry about overstepping your boundaries. If she is a "normal" and reasonable person I think she would respect that worry and then be more open with you in letting you know where she stands. And in my opinion, ALWAYS make it about what is best for the child when communicating with BM.
How about exchanging the book "No Ones the Bitch"? It is a great example of a mom and stepmom who have really pushed through their differences and judgements of the other to work together for the children's betterment.
I have learned throughout the
I have learned throughout the past 8 years of being a SM that you can get almost anything accomplished if you present it the right way. So, here's my advice. If you happen to see her or talk to her state something along these lines "We've noticed that SS2 doesn't seem to like XXXX, does he have an allergy or should we not offer these types of foods?" She shouldn't take it offensively if she see's that you are asking out of true concern for the child's well being and you are allowing her to make the decisions. If you were to say "Just to let you know, SS2 doesn't like these foods, so you probably shouldn't give them to him" Then most likely she's gonna be pissed because it sounds as if you know whats best for him over her and you are making the calls.
I have 2 ex wives, I am wife
I have 2 ex wives, I am wife #3. My relationship with with ex#1 is excellent! Of course their children are much older than your SS2. They are adult SC and we have 2 grandchildren who are 3yrs and 6 months.
I read a very good book named "No Ones the Bitch". The Author's are two women one is the ex wife and the other is the current wife. It explains how each felt about the other and some things they did to strengthen their relationship. Between the two women, they were able to raise the two daughters from the first marriage. It sounds like you have the beginning's of a good relationship with her, take it slow and easy.
After 4 years of marriage, ex # 1 comes to our home to celebrate holidays, has come to birthday parties, we share our grandson's and we always have my ASD needs and feelings first. But it all came from both of us willing to be the best we can for the situation.
We are married...and keep in
We are married...and keep in mind that BM and my DH do NOT know eachother well which I think contributes to the issues. (They were a 2 month fling that fizzled until a month later when she called to say she was pregnant...don't worry - paternity has been proven) There were some rough times considering she is a first time mom, she was dealing with crazy hormones and insecurities, there was a custody battle and always her fear that my DH was going to take her son away from her. He has always responded that he wants SS2 to have his BM but if SS2 is not with BM, DH feels he should have him - not grandma and not daycare. I always felt that BM had genuine, legitimate fears but just had a really foul way of addressing them - I'm sure many of you are familiar with this and there is just no way to rationalize with someone when they are being irrational. We coped by disengaging and one result was that there was not a lot of communication because she would just twist things around, blah blah blah. But NOW, BM is showing signs of clarity, she is having issues with her mom and living there, and is now turning to my DH to say she needs to move out and that will mean SS2 would stay overnight with us more because she bartends and goes to school, etc....and of course we want her to finish nursing schools and have a great career - DH tells her if she is happy, then SS2 is happy and that makes him happy so whatever she needs to do, let us know. We never threaten, but DH did say if BM is not living at her moms and SS2 is staying there then he does have a problem with that but will give her time to figure it out. So it's just this really precarious time when I think she is seeing us as not a threat and I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize that.
I can see your hesitation in
I can see your hesitation in doing anything that might jeopardize these positive turn of events.
I would see if DH would be willing to see if she'd like to meet you and talk with you. For the sake of SS it would be nice if you, BM, and logan27 could work together as well. Something to that effect.
If she is interested she can tell him, if she is not then she will let him know that too.
If she has insecurity issues I'm not sure I'd do much. It's ridiculous how the kindest of gestures are misconstrued as overstepping.
and as an addition, you
and as an addition, you really need to get to know BM and figure out the relationship that will work best with her. Everybody is different and is at different stages of maturity.
If you get the chance to meet with her, let her do most of the talking. Let her talk about her son and ask her for her opinion.
You have to gain her trust first, before she'll be willing to listen to anything you have to say.
If you don't get to talk with her, maybe send her a quick email letting her know you think SS is great and that she's doing a great job and have no intentions of taking her place, just supporting DH and SS.