Back story: SS was full time with us from age 10 til almost 16. BM was not allowed overnight visitation because she's destitute, paid nothing and saw him irregularly, although she lives in the same town. SS had only one basic rule: do well in school. For that, he pretty much had everything with us. But SS couldn't be bothered to do a decent job. This spring SO finally completely cracked down when SS was averaging three Fs and two Ds. SS sincerely believes nobody has the right to curtail his freedom or to tell him anything, and ran to BM. BM took him in. SO didn't fight it, thinking that maybe if SS experienced what it's like to live in a very deprived environment, SS would see why he should care about his grades. Within a month BM called SO begging him to take SS back because SS was disrespectful, arrogant, lazy, driving BM nuts. SO told BM she never should have let SS run to her to avoid SO's rules. BM agreed that was a mistake, that SS needed the discipline that SO can provide and she can't, and that she wouldn't allow SS to run to her again. But of course she did. When SS came back, SS complained that things here weren't "the same" - which of course they weren't, since we were clearly dealing with a major behavioral problem that needed correction. SS wen't behind SO's back and talked to BM, and the next time SO had an issue with SS, less than two months after he came back here, SS said he would just go to his mother. SO is furious they arranged this behind his back and says they can both go to hell.

Of course we expected that the honeymoon between BM and SS wouldn't last long. Last night SO got a voicemail from BM where she's basically just crying saying she can't take any more, she's tired, she tried but she can't do anything with SS, she wants to give up and return to (home country) but SS doesn't want to go, she just can't take anymore - this went on until the voicemail cut her off due to length.

After additional communication by text and phone, SO found out that what triggered this is that SS was picked up on the street over Labor Day weekend and asked for his ID, asked what he was doing out in the street, etc.

Good question BM - why is he always out in the street? Oh yeah, because he needs "freedom" in order to feel "comfortable" and then he'll do well in school. Of course, he failed worse when with her the first time, but I digress.

Anyway, SO had a chat with SS. SO basically told SS that although SS thinks he's a man, SS is a kid and everyone around him sees that but him, and that's the only reason SS hasn't had *more* serious problems for going around acting like a punk, either from the cops or from anyone else on the street.

SS thinks he's "gangsta" - the truth is he is completely unable to fend for himself in any arena at all, something many kids at his age are already starting to do.

His MySpace blurb is so effing ridiculous - "but" is spelled "buh", "know" is "knoe", "my" is "mah" - these are not spelling errors, they're an effort to look cool. He says his "life has been tough" but (excuse me, "BUH") "hey im still standing".

Uh, yeah - this is one of those kids who the day he really crosses paths with anyone who really *has* had it tough he's going to get completely mowed.

SS just gave SO a major attitude on the phone saying that he only got in trouble once, why does SO treat him like he's so bad, and he knows SO doesn't care, etc. SO explained to him that being picked up by the cops was not the first time he screwed up, he's been screwing up for years, that's how we got to this point. And by the way, that you don't always get a second chance. SS's friend screwed up once over July 4th, and now his friend his dead. That's the one that SS didn't even bother with the funeral. And SO also explained that he's not going to be jerked around and pissed on forever by SS, and that by going to BM the second time, SS made a choice that had consequences. Those consequences are that SO no longer has any involvement with SS's choices or tries to influence them any longer. That's what SS wanted, now he has it. SO won't fight with him any more, and SS can call it not caring, or whatever elses he likes, that's the way it is due to SS's own choices.

SO reminded SS that SO has not looked for SS or BM at all or bothered them in any way since SS left. Then he explained to SS that whether SS likes it or not, SO still has full legal custody of SS. BM has no prayer of getting that due to her living situation, so she's not going to go to court. If she did, SS would be taken out of there and either sent here or to foster care. SO told SS that the only reason SO was speaking to SS was that SS was causing problems for SO, and that if SS wants to be left alone to do as he pleases, he'd better make sure that SO doesn't get any more phone calls from BM, the cops, or anybody else. And if SS can't manage that, SO will basically make his life hell.

SO's line was reached and crossed, and he's following up exactly as he said he would. And BM and SS shouldn't really be surprised - the exact same thing happened when BM walked out on SO and SS. SO told her before she ever left exactly how things would be if she did it, and she did it anyway. And that's exactly how they were. SS was 9 - he knows this. And now SO told SS exactly how things would be if he chose to go to BM a second time, and that's exactly how they are. And BM and SS are somehow surprised.

Ridiculous.

I almost feel sorry for BM. I could have told her what SS has become and has been acting like. But actually, SO tried to tell her. She didn't listen. Even after having to send him back the first time she still thought she knew better. And now she can't handle him.

It's their problem now. I'm disgusted with SS. He thinks he is the sh!t when in reality he is well below the average for his age in terms of maturity and readiness to assume an adult lifestyle. He wants all the privilege and none of the work, and he totally disrespects all those who have provided for him this far. He not only thinks he's equal to SO, he thinks he's *better* than SO. And SO is a very accomplished individual.

Blech.

SO is a rock though. I am grateful for his ability to handle such a difficult situation and maintain his integrity and equilibrium.

Thanks for listening...

L