I created my account so long ago that I forgot that I had his place.
I was previously in a relationship with stepkids and now, here I am again.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I feel very lost and like I am a bad person for not having this "step parenting thing" figured out. After all, aren't forty something adults suppose to be good at setting their own emotions aside and putting the kids first?
As I have learned, no. We aren't. Want to know why? Because we're ***ing human, that's why. Humans have feelings and they are reallllly hard to navigate sometimes. Even if you are an adult.

Where to begin... Please know that this long, spewing journal entry is five years in the making, so everything came out onto the page like projectile stepmom vomit of the soul. I never thought I would be here again, yet look. Here I am! Another blended family and this time, its like an episode of a bad daytime talk show on steroids. Am I a magnet for this shi*?

PSA: I am also not a heartless b**ch. I understand that children have it rough - my Dad died when I was young, Mom was an alcoholic, I get it *BIG TiME* that there is an importance for children to come first - and I understand that abused children require much more work and tender kid gloves and exceptions. What I am giving here is my prospective and my own story. Not anyone else's.
If you send hate mail or think I am terrible for what I say, that is on you. This is my safe place, just as it is for others here. I know that making my feelings public makes me open to criticism. Fully.

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We've been together 5 years. We are engaged.
We are both parents. I am divorced once. I had two kids in that marriage of ten years. One of my kids is a grown adult and moved out on her own, my son lives w/ us full time (age 10). My other half is divorced too with two kids from his previous marriage. One of his daughters lives w/ us full time (age 10) and one teenager, now w/ her Mom's family.

Our kids at home are preteen, but not old enough to be left alone for extended periods (say for a night out or date etc), so we rarely get time to ourselves and it's taken it's toll to say the least. That is only part of my many frustrations.

My other half also doesn't like to leave his kids or leave them out of things (things even he and I do), and even if we get an hour or two, he's fielding texts from his kids for a portion of that time instead of focusing on our time.
We've previously gotten sitters from the neighborhood in the last couple of years, but his youngest will throw a fit that she's not getting what she wants and we will end up coming home because the sitter won't put up w/ it.
After the last time, our sitter told us not again. Wouldn't come back because his daughter kept having a fit the entire time and asking to call her Dad to "make him come home".
Even my son backed up what the sitters said, that she was throwing fits because she wasn't getting her way or wanted her Dad to come home.

Having Guilty Parent Syndrome, he ensures that his children are showered with gifts, money, and going places they want to go. Whatever keeps them happy (and keeps him exhausted).
I saw this from the beginning five years ago and thought it would dwindle as time went on. Not so much.
It has gotten so painfully bad in the last three years that his daughter (who lives here) goes with him, even to the gas station, because he will buy her something every time she wants it from every store small or large.
Everything from food and candy, to toys, to make-up, even foot spas, nail salon trips and clothes. She has even said to me and her Dad as well just last month (thinking it's funny) "Dad never says no. I get what I want because I'm his princess. Hahaha".

She receives gifts or money on a daily basis as well as candy and fast food trips. Example: if she is hungry and doesn't want to eat what is here or prepared for dinner (!!), he will take her to get drive thru or make her something else that she likes. I myself struggle with weight and have to pay attn to keep it off, I am a woman and society is cruel, and I have mentioned to him (not to the child, I am NOT stupid or that hurtful), that he needs to show her better eating habits. She has gained 25 pounds since she came to live here (and hasn't gotten taller, their family is all short, at or around 5 feet and shes just about there take a few inches). She is already starting to compare herself to other girls she plays with who are older. Her Mom, Gma and GGma are all over 300 pounds and her Gma and GGma are 400-500, one of them using a mobility scooter to get around because of weight and diabetes issues. It is a genetic thing as well. I don't want that to be a struggle for her, hence, mentioning to him better food options and choices to teach good habits young. He says it isn't an issue and shes just hungry so he feeds her what she wants etc. No - win conversation always. House is filled with sugary treats, fried snacks and chips, cakes, soda, donuts, pastries etc. She hoards food in her room, even taking things that belong to my son and hiding them, and eats boxes of things and double and triple meals at times when she thinks no one is looking. He still doesn't think this is a concern or an emotional issue to bring to her counselors attention. Despite my shopping efforts, the house is full of garbage. He eats very poorly too.

Two weeks ago, he and I had a two hour window while his daughter was at a visit with her Mom's family and we went to have lunch at a Mexican place. When his daughter came home a few hours later, she asked if we went anywhere. When she found out that he had taken me out to lunch and wasn't included, he felt terribly guilty and told her that he would take her to get Mexican food, too. And he did. They got in the car and he went, just the two of them to get her food since it wouldn't be fair. . . Ridiculous. Seriously??

Her room is full of toys that are broken or just thrown on the floor, clothes that are in piles with food trash and makeup that litters every surface as he buys her new makeup weekly between the dollar store, the grocery store and the department store. She is ten and has broken 3 phones, two laptops and a tablet. All of which have been replaced without question in the last two years.
Same for his oldest. Broken electronics and toys are replaced immediately. Have always been. Because we wouldn't want anyone to learn a lesson, now would we? }:)

Earlier in the summer, the neighbor across the street took my SD with them and their own daughter to shop for clothes at a local store (where his wife works). They get a significant discount so they bought my SD *two* bags of clothes to be nice. 4 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, shoes, socks and underwear. All brand new. Because the wife gets a huge cut off the price. It was nothing to them and they did it as a gift since her bday was coming up.

A week later, my SD woke up and could not find "anything to wear". She claimed she literally could not *find* any of her clothes in her room and had lost them. She had also cut holes in some of the shirts and pants so they were not wearable.
Instead of making her responsible for this and having her go into her room to look for things and ask also why the new things weren't taken care of, my other half *TOOK HER SHOPPING* that morning and bought her more clothes. He just went and bought more. Poof! Just like that, the magical genie of money appeared again! :jawdrop:

She was given a new phone for her bday which is on his phone plan and now has a # with full internet.
Originally, we had agreed as a couple that our young kids would not have phones with full access until age 13. We had them using our old phones on wireless only w/ chat apps for kids loaded on them to get ahold of us. We also said the same for social media. His daughter who lives here has had FaceBook and Instagram since she was seven. SEVEN!
She also has 4 different accounts total. I don't feel it's appropriate for little kids to be on social media. I think it's too much for them and too much mature content, not to mention, I don't want little kids on my Facebook because that's my space to be an adult, not a place for them to see everything that I share and think.
He on the other hand has added both of his kids to his social media and they have full access to his info. That said, because of this, people have been asked to keep certain posts censored or not post other things because of the fact that his kids might see it?! What!? They shouldn't even be on here to begin with and it isn't right to tell other people that "you can't do this because someone in my family that's too young might see it". So infuriating!
Both his girls had a phone by the time they were 6 years old. I was in awe then and I guess I shouldn't be surprised now that it's gotten worse.

For years his girls have taken advantage of the use of their phones and will text my SO from the bedroom and demand him to come in there and either bring food and drink or, the worst, his youngest recently sent him a barrage of texts because she wanted to rearrange her room *right that second* even though he was working on something else.
I was standing at the end of the hall as he made his way down to her room and she HANDED him a broom and a garbage bag and started pointing saying "pick that up. Sweep that. Move my TV there" No "please". Not a "thank you". Just giving orders and expecting compliance. She was 9 at the time!
I had had enough and seeing this happen made my blood boil. I went into her room in an attempt to back him up and said to her "you do NOT tell your Dad what to do. Do you understand me?" Her reply was to whimper and say to her Dad "well. I guess my room's not getting clean now because she won't let you".
He told me that he had it handled and proceeded to sweep her floor and pull trash from under her bed as well as taking her trash out for her.
I thought after that, the behavior would start to diminish if not cease a little because he saw how upset I was, but it hasn't. She texts him repeatedly at bedtime to bring her things or come into her room. He does it every time without question. I call it the *invisible princess leash*.

The behavior still continues and has caused tension and snappy comebacks by me because he will not reign it in no matter how gentle or harsh I am with my concern or criticism or documentation and articles about how it is damaging to have no rules or discipline and for him to allow her (both of them really) to run our home. I have begged for family structure, chores and even respect. My son does his own laundry and knows how to make his own basic food items, because I want him to learn to be self reliant and know how to care for himself and learn life skills before hes 45 and hopefully not living in my fu**ing basement!

I have told my SO that his daughter is not going to learn what the world is about if he keeps giving her everything she wants without question or in exchange for good behavior or chores etc. I think it is just as comforting to him as much as it is to her, to over spoil and buy all this stuff everyday.
It just has me in an angry fluster internally because that isn't how kids learn gratitude or how the world really works. Nobody gives you a gift basket when life gets tough, but he gives one on a daily basis and then some. If bad things happen (as they have recently and you can read below), he takes her on full shopping trips for multiple clothes and toys and food of choice etc. Takes her on outings and allows no bedtimes, candy and cookies at bedtime, etc. It's absolutely insane.

Some of the neighbors as well as our friends have noticed the overall behavior as well. It's gotten out of hand. Over the years, despite trying, I'm not allowed to tell her what to do because he waits til I'm out of the room and gives her what she wants anyway, or, he waits until I am not home and family established rules, such as no kids eating or drinking in the living room, go completely out the window and he just tells her not to say anything to me or to lie about it. He buys her things and tells her to sneak them in her room so I don't see. Then, when I ask what she was bought, he will say "nothing? Why would you say that?" and she will come walking out with a bag of fast food or a toy or clotheshe just bought her. Or, he has gone so far as to lie about things he has bought and tell me "I got it for a dollar on clearance it's no big deal" and I will hand him the receipt that he has left on the counter that says $49! It's absurd. It's as if part of him knows what he's doing is not okay and beyond normal parenting, but he's justifying for himself?!

He lets her eat and drink all the time in the living room when I'm at work, and I find messes or spills in that space constantly to which she says "Dad said I could".
She has also commandeered the den/his office space and her clothes, toys, food garbage and games are strewn about everywhere just like in her own bedroom. The downstairs bathroom which is also the laundry room, is filled with open makeup everywhere. On the wall, in the sink, garbage on the floor and clothes everywhere.
She has been told, as well as everyone else in the house, to use their own hampers in their own rooms to keep things neat and laundry organized by person so it stays sane.
Does she do that? No. She throws her clothes on the bathroom floor, her dad's office/den floor as well as down the hall along with her trash, wrappers, food containers, nail kits etc.
Nothing is ever said to her. He just cleans up after her and she's allowed to take over the house "because shes just a kid".

Up until a year ago she would call him into the bathroom to help clean up after having a number 2 because she wasn't wiping right and was getting itchy. She would yell for him until he came into the bathroom to clean her up. She has also for the last five years, left pooped in underwear on the floor, or put it into the laundry to hide it, so when everything else is washed, pieces of poop get on everything else and then of course, dried on in the dryer...
To this day, and as long as I have been with him (5 years), she does not flush the toilet when she poops or pees and clogs each time, using a half roll of toilet paper which ends up partially on the floor, poop on the seat, poop on the counter from wiping and getting on her fingers, she doesn't wash her hands and then leaves the door open afterwards which creates an overpowering odor throughout the house for everyone to smell. He will say something to her if I get upset about it or if my son tells him the toilet is clogged (daily), but he addresses it with, "sweetpea/princess, please flush next time ". Nothing else. He says to me "this is going to take time you need to be patient with us because they've had a hard life"
'Because it has been going on daily for 5 years, it has worn on me and I get irritated and flat out call her on it and say "go flush your poop and wash your hands! It is NOT anyone else's job to do that for you!" She will say OK and then go back to whatever she is doing. He doesn't want me correcting her because he says I'm embarrassing her and hurting her feelings or shaming by saying it in the first place where other people can hear!?
No! I'm not! It's teaching her at ten, what's to be expected in the real world, in school, eventually in the workplace! How am I wrong? How is flushing for her daily and over spoiling insanely teaching her anything at all?

The behavior has gotten so much worse and his coddling and his buying has quadrupled because of a recent situation that affected them.
A year and a half ago, his girls reported that their mothers boyfriend was touching them / trying to touch them.
My partner called the police and the man was arrested and investigated. The short story is, this is how we got full time custody of his youngest.
After months of court, turmoil, upheaval and exhaustion, both girls are in counseling, the state has been informed and involved and we have monthly visits to our house by the state to check in w his youngest as part of this process to ensure her well being and comfort here / since the case is winding down / coming to a close.

His youngest does not like her mother and has had previous issues with her as the BirthMom is irresponsible, has a history of drug and alcohol problems, welfare abuse, and has had 3 other babies all in the last two+ years that she doesn't know the father's of. Birth Mom is unstable and currently has supervised visits due to this and the situation w her now incarcerated boyfriend. Birth Mom backed her boyfriend the entire time and said that the girls made it up and that my fiance "did this on purpose to stop paying her child support". Even though her boyfriend was found guilty and didn't pass his evaluation. Birthmom never thought he did anything wrong.

My SO's oldest daughter wanted to live w a family friend rather than come here so she could stay in the same school. We live too far away from birth mom so it was agreed upon with all parties when the girls were removed from their mother. Additionally, she (his oldest) really liked her Mom's BF and is in denial and angry at her Dad for calling the police and "breaking up her Moms relationship w the boyfriend" and blames her Dad for her Mom being so upset and sending that man to prison (he was finally sentenced two months ago).
That said, my SOs relationship w his oldest is strained and we hope counseling and time will help remedy and repair it and that she will come around with time to see that he did the right thing.
In the meantime, when my SO sees her (oldest) he's doing the same thing that he does with the youngest. He buys her things and gives money and takes her places and there are no rules. It's a free for all.

The dust has settled for the most part now that his youngest has been here full time for a year or so. She's adjusted well and school is going well too.
Her counseling is really helping and she is doing well now that she's away from her Mom. She's happy here at our place.

During every part of that situation, I backed him, wrote letters, supported him and listened, talked to attorneys, helped find resources etc. Same for his daughters. I supported them too. I stood by him through all of the stress, through even previous years of his ex wife trying to cause problems in our home by telling her daughter's to treat me poorly etc. I have never left, even though my closest supporters have told me they would leave and couldn't deal with it all. I have spent countless hours listening to him talk about the case. It was the only topic in our home for over a year and we eat, slept and breathed it. It became the only focus and while the kids were getting help, we were falling apart inside of our relationship.

This situation on top of already having a "blended" family has really taken it's tol. We don't argue in front of the kids we just bicker at each other alot. He spends his entire day on video games if he's not working (from home). Sometimes getting up at 4 and coming to bed past midnight. He expects me to take on the role of Mom to his girls and is disappointed and sad that I have not "taken" to them and bonded with them like he has with my son. He doesn't see or understand that his dis-allowance of my input, his ex wifes damage, his undermining of me re: his kids respecting rules and as an adult in general, and his constant spoiling and buying as a remedy is a huge part of WHY I haven't bonded with them or wanted to spend much time with them. Because despite everything that has happened to them, they are awful and don't like me because I refuse to cater to every whim and fancy like he does. I refuse to kiss the asses of children when this is a family and a home we all have to live in, not a fun house or summer camp!
*Remember before you bash me for being an unsupportive and terrible b****, that their/his behavior started long before the incident with Mom's boyfriend. He allows them to do whatever they want, always has. It's like I am another child in this house not a respected adult with clout or any kind of standing. I live in an amusement park where it is all about them and how fun it should be.

He has significantly upped the ante now that this has taken place with the girls, and the spoiling and buying has gotten to an indescribable level.
Example: Christmas (we are not well off, we are probably, maybe middle income), he spent $800 on each of his girls. I don't believe that xmas is about over giving and extravagant buying. I think that it's about the spirit and the family and memories combined with a few nice, well thought out presents that are meaningful.
I brought to his attention that he needed to start spending time rather than spending money because money isn't going to fix things no matter how good it feels to them and to him. He didn't agree. He says that he wants his kids to have what he did not as a child and that they are just children who've had a hard life and need to be told and treated like they are special because they are. Christmas is no longer magical. I dread it like the worst shi* show on the planet. I feel like I am watching from the outside, an episode of "how much money can we spend this year on ungrateful children!?"

Its created a stress for me over the years because I don't make a large enough salary to spend that on each of my kids (to try and be fair and keep up), plus, buy gifts for him AND his girls on top of it. He says maybe I should start shopping in the summer like he does.. what!?

They had so much to open on Xmas morning this past year that there are still unopened boxes in the bedrooms and clothes that went unworn. It feels gluttonous and disgusting to me. I want them to see that other kids dont have this. This is NOT normal.
There was so much of a frenzy that things weren't even being looked at, literally just ripped open and tossed to the side to get to the next gift! So rude!
It's like a robotic pattern. He buys, they get, he buys again, they get more and know how to get more because he won't say no. But nothing is getting fixed or done. It's all material objects.
It's like this is his only control mechanism and the one thing he has power to do. To buy things. To say yes.

Now, back to our relationship.
We have never gone anywhere just the two of us for even a weekend and he refuses to travel because he claims he traveled so much when he was young for work and his hobbies that it's not important to him anymore. Its important to me. I need to break and I need the time with him. alone.
Additionally, our dog is very old and we cannot kennel her and she takes meds so he won't ask even a friend to watch her.

For the period of five years, I've been open and even participate in his love of wrestling. We watch TV wrestling events, we go to them, he IS a wrestler. He also spends 5 to 10 hours a day gaming - give or take. Although we've had our moments about this, it's generally not an issue. He says it's his "escape" and it "takes his mind off of things". I know where to find him, on the couch. I should be grateful, right? Hes not out at a bar and he's not on the computer surfing porn.

Each bday or xmas I buy things that I know he'll love. I put thought into it. Wrestling keepsakes, video games, consoles, clothes, memories, etc. Things that I know resonate with his passions and likes. He's usually okay with his gift giving to me, but each year the effort slides more and more. Especially now that all of this has happened adding even more stress to our home.

He is a complete extrovert and a performer and comfortable on the stage, and he does perform a few days a month with his wrestling group. I am introverted and prefer safe comfortable, planned events where I'm not in the public eye or caught on camera or the focus of attention and I don't like being caught off guard. I like knowimg what to expect. He is spontaneous and in his early years, a thrill seeker. Not so much now, but he doesn't mind adrenaline and being out of his comfort zone.

For his 40th, I purchased things that he had hinted at throughout the year as well as wrestling and video game and collectible or joke items that would fit his personality. I also planned a surprise dinner and invited his closest friends and family. He was ecstatic and over the moon feeling special and loved.

For my 40th a few months later, I hinted repeatedly over 6 mos time about a quiet night out with him and just a few of my friends and family the weekend before since my bday, since it fell on a weeknight. We even talked twice about the date and coordinating a sitter because after everything in the last year and a half we need some couple time.
He agreed. I figured that he had what he needed to run with it, and since I had never had a party or wanted anything before, he would see I was excited and wanted just this once for a very intimate gathering with my friends as well as him for a dinner out.

My 40th bday pre - weekend came. He didn't do anything. At the end of the weekend he asked me why I was so sad and glum.
I said because we talked about a very simple plan for my birthday but you forgot. You completely forgot. I don't think that's too much to ask. It's not even expensive and it's not gifts. He told me that he didn't have a sitter for his daughter and didn't think I would want to do anything because I was tired (?). I wasn't tired I was waiting for you to put me in the car and take me to dinner for my 40th like we agreed!

My actual bday - day came (I was off of work). He told me that he was "having some people over later". Remember, I am not an extrovert so those words are panic inducing. My daughter was here and she got out of him that he had asked a few of *his* wrestling friends to come over w/ their wives. Mind you, these are his friends. Only acquaintances of mine.
One of my cousins did come. She told me when she arrived that he hadnt given her much notice, he told her *that morning* about my "surprise dinner". He also asked my best friend but she was moving that week so could not attend. When I talked to her later she said that he also gave her only a few hours notice. What he told ME and everyone else at the party, was that he had this planned for a week. He was lying and one of his friends said so directly to him. He brushed it off like he never said that to begin with.

The gathering was very uncomfortable for me because these people aren't friends of mine, only acquaintances and, as mentioned, I am an introvert and very socially uncomfortable if I don't know in advance what to expect. These people are close with my SO. Not me. I felt like he had thrown this together at the last minute and grabbed whoever would say yes since he had forgotten or ran out of time.

After dinner he handed me presents to open. Also awkward.

Let me give some background. He has a tendency of lying and embellishment and this is something that I am aware of as well as his friends. He lies so habitually that it's almost second nature and he seems to do so more, when things in his life are out of control. Make sense? It took me awhile to figure it out.
It also makes it hard to trust what he says or that what he's saying is 100% truthful. Our neighbors even have a nickname for him because he tells such grandiose stories that always end up making him the hero but turn out to be lies or not even close to what actually happened at all.
When he gets caught in these lies or embellishments, his defense is to say that he never told the story to begin with and that people must've heard incorrectly.

Onto the gifts.

One of the gifts he gave me was a sports jersey of my favorite team (atleast the colors were correct). He said it was worn during a game and was a guaranteed signed limited edition blah blah blah. When I opened it up there was no team insignia on it and no NFL markings. There were sloppy loose threads, and it had two tags hanging from it that said "made in the Phillipines". I was so crushed that he had made up this huge story (because his friends were here and he wanted to look good). I just smiled and thanked him and he handed me something else to open.
Inside the next box was an oil diffuser...the same one he already gave me for Christmas that was still unopened because I am allergic to scented things. He said it wasn't the same. I showed him later, which he denied again.
He also handed me a package and said "I don't know if you'll like this but here goes". It was a pair of VR Video game goggles. *He* plays video games, not me. It was totally one of those "if she doesn't like this they will be mine" presents. In addition, the box was all in some other language, some strange brand that couldn't even be read and when I tried to look them up online to figure out how to use them, I come to find out their a $10 knock off from a Chinese Amazon merchant (he uses his Amazon account weekly and gets daily/lightning deals).

He then handed me a card.
Inside was a printed I OWE YOU for me to pick two days so we can go to Vegas (Ive never been). His comment was "I'll have to try and get a sitter" and "don't think I'm getting married in any chapel down there".
He then told me that I have to pick specific dates because he has to work around our current kid visit situation and his work (I already know this but him throwing it out there sure felt very gift ruining). He said that we'd "have to work it out". I'm thinking to myself, "ok, be nice. He said hes finally taking you somewhere, dont complain just smile". He's not exactly known for follow thru when it's not re: spoiling his kids or doing what he wants for his own hobbies, so I will see what happens and not getting my hopes up.

He also gave me another envelope with another I OWE YOU. It said that I could pick a football game that I wanted to go to and he would try to take me if our kid schedule worked out. As it turns out, there's only one weekend in October that will work because of kid visits and schedules and that's ONLY IF he can get his daughter a sitter that can stay past 9pm. If not, we will have to take the kids with us. Isn't this MY present? I don't think that's being selfish or ungrateful. It's my 40th bday gift? Or,is it a "I Possibly Owe You if It works Out" gift...

Outwardly I was thankful for the effort and for people who hardly know me coming to make my day nice. I, on the flipside, was internally crushed with all of the fake gifts, lies and I OWE YOU promises based on his kids etc.

So. He also tells me he will take me out to dinner for my birthday just the two of us. He promised months ago. The rest of my bday week came and went and he didn't get a sitter any of those nights.
The weekend after my bday came and went (my son was at his Dads, his daughter was here) and he couldn't get a sitter again. He got very defensive and told me that he just couldn't do it right now he didnt have any options and nowhere for her to go.
He's had 6 months to get one dinner planned! If it were his kids he would lay out the red carpet! I asked for one evening!! I never ask for anything for my birthday, just this one time for my 40th!
I do special things for him for every birthday and make sure that things are personal and important and that he feels good. For every holiday.
He couldn't make it happen? Because he only had 6 months notice?

That same day he let me know (weekend after my birthday) that he couldn't keep his promise of us having a dinner, his daughter made sure to commandeer his time. She probably noticed the tension. She tends to do that. Right after he finished telling me we wouldn't be going anywhere, she opened the garage door yelling up the stairs "Dad bring me some water I don't want to take off my skates to come inside" and then they went outside to play catch together and hang out just the two of them.

As selfish as this sounds, I feel very small in this house and like I have very little value.
He has never given me " I OWE YOUS " before. But I have a feeling this is a sign that things are not good and going to get worse.

You might be thinking I'm a selfish ****. I think I'm a human being who feels like she's stuck in a Jerry Springer drama that keeps getting worse. I know it's my choice to stay, but how do I live in a home where I am the size of a grain of sand and the kids run my future husband and everything that he does?

I am sure I have left out 4.5 years of other pieces of this story.

Please be gentle with me. I don't know how much more I can take.