Well, I've hung in there with fh since my last blog. My job is unbearably terrible and I want out. FH is supportive and would like to get out too since he's working overtime and doesn't get paid (he's salaried). So work altogether sucks.
FH has been shocked by my new behaviors. I'm still doing the LoveDare(yeah I said I was done, but apparently I'm not). What's weird is that it is actually working. FH tried to spin an argument into a huge nuclear catastrophe the other day, but I stopped it with my new-found lovedare thinking and spoke, calmly and peacefully from a place of love--ok, that makes me wanna yak but it actually works. FH was so stunned by my not escalating the cycle like we usually do that he literally stopped mid-scream and cocked his head to the side in disbelief.lol He was so stunned by my new attitude and way of speaking, that he just didn't have anything else to say.lol That was pretty cool.
The downside is now he uses the lovedare against me as a sign of weakness. He doesn't know I'm doing it but he knows there's changes a brewing. So now he uses it to beat me over the head. Like, he says "Well I expect a better attitude from you since you're trying to change yourself for the better..." He completely puts it all on me, that I'm bad and have baggage and in the process of changing myself to not fight with him so much/so viciously, I'm supposed to be aware that my behavior is bad and not tolerable. He completely uses anything I learn against me. So that's irritating me but I ignore it.
What he isn't aware of is that I have a plan at work here and I'm going to stick to it. Because his exw is a rotten, evil soul-sucking troll, and because he doesn't support me, takes pot shots at my trying to better myself, and still hasn't given me a mother's day gift or anything remotely thoughtful to say "thanks for being a good stepmom to my ungrateful, lazy kids"--so because of these things I've decided that I will not be doing anything even remotely helpful for dropoff/pickups or hockey. You see, I am tired of feeling taken advatage of. BM thinks she can tell him to control me, reign me in, and basically shut up while she runs ruffshot all over my house and life--and FH thinks he can tell me how to behave and what to do like I'm his kid, plus not give me the respect I have more than EARNED. So in light of these things, I will be doing nothing more for either of them. It would be tremendously helpful for me to do hockey stuff this fall--that would help bm--well, screw her....I won't be doing anything. And for fh, if he can't treat me with respect and stand up to bm ever, or behave properly with me, then screw him too...I won't be doing any dropoffs or pickups or taking anyone to hockey. Lets just see how much stuff I don't do that they will be pissed about when it's not actually done anymore.
It's unfortunate it has to be like this. The skids and I get along great and our life is fine. But I will not do anything, even one single solitary thing that makes the bm's life easier after what she has done to me...I'm tired of her crap. And fh--until he wises up and gives me the respect I have earned and treats me kindly, I wont be doing him any favors either. I'm going to start getting my nails done and doing things I want to do for me. If no one apprecates me or what I do, then fine...I'll appreciate myself.