You're supposed to put their needs first because you're the "mother" figure to the skids. You have to mother them, care for them, love them, etc. BUT when the BM comes along, you need to step aside and let her take over the "mom" spot. After all, she gave them life. Therefore she should take all the credit for raising them and being a mother to them.

I'm sorry but that's a load of crap. If you're going to be a mother figure then you need to have the same amount of respect that BM gets. If BM is going to get all the credit for being a good mommy then she needs to take care of those kids so you can sit back and be the nobody that the counselor said you are.

I have NEVER heard of a counselor (including good ole Dr. Phil)
who does NOT advocate a COUPLE coming first.

As I said, I am at a total loss. Where did you guys find this "counselor"....and, as has been said MANY times here on this site, no one really comes "first"; the relationship one has with one's SO and with one's KIDS are two different things.
They are NOT comparable.

Seriously, girl, if I were you, I'd either a) find a better counselor or b) find a better partner. Especially if he tends to throw things in your face? He's gonna MILK this one for a LOOOOOONG time, me thinks....

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

While FH is having dinner with his EX--you are cozy at home or out in a nice restaurant doing the same...yeah, right, that'd go over big...

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I had a bad experience with a so called counselor myself. And my bff, at that time a school teacher, warned me. She warned me because this counselor was also the schools counselor. And she said any child that was sent to him came back with worse problems than they began with.

This particular "counselor" told me I was to start trusting my then husband. Ummm, we were seeing a counselor because they guy (my then H) was caught (by me) stealing from his employer, and cheating on me with a myrid of women! He took an overdose after I confronted him, and therefore had to seek the services of a counselor, or be sent to a mental hospital. TRUST HIM? This "counselor" sat there and told me, to my face, that although it would take possibly years of treatment for my husband to stop lying, I was to trust him!!!! What a moron. Just like the guy you're seeing.

I immediately stormed out of his office, checkied around and found a wonderful board certified psychiatrist. Who most certainly did not advocate me trusting the very person (then husband) who was putting a knife in my back!

Do not return to this counselor. Find a good one...one who believes in the sanctity of marriage.

Physically, yes, childrens needs to come first ususally. BUT IT'S A WIFE'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS you were addressing.

Sorry this happened to you. More fuel for your FH's fire, I imagine.

The marriage comes first! Even pastors will tell you that. Once the kids grow up they will move on and move out (hopefully). Your marriage partner on the other hand is there for life (or at least should be). Too many women spend all their focus on the kids and forget about the marriage. The marriage then no longer exists except for the sake of the kids. Once the kids move out, the marriage ends because the kids were put before the marriage.

In this case, these aren't even your freaking kids! If you don't have children of your own then you did not sign up for a motherly role. I hate that society assumes that just because you become a step parent that you should automatically be top parent, PTA participant and dedicate your life to a child that's not even yours. Oh, yeah, and they expect you to do it with a smile on your face. I'm in the same role as you. I am a childfree by choice woman who fell in love with and married a guy with a kid. The mother is an idiot who begged to have a child and now wants nothing to do with the child. So I, the childfree by choice woman, am stuck with a child living under my roof. Luckily he's a good kid, but it's still not what I wanted in my life.

Find a new counselor. In my opinion your husband should be free to join his former brother-in-law for golf, dinner or what-ever else, but with the clear understanding that if the BM shows up, he leaves ASAP. Why would he even want the possibility of being around BM? Obviously it's something you foresee happening, so something is wrong. Why would BM want to be around your hubby? They're divorced and I'm sure there's a reason for it.

It sounds like this quack got his license out of a Cracker Jack box. I'd find a real professional who can help, not hurt your relationship.

A few years back, I went to a guy who "supposedly" specialized in "blended family issues". I asked the insurance company for a reference. I asked THIS guy before I went in for my first appointment- they BOTH ASSURED me of this fact- HE was an "expert".

Don't believe everything you hear.

At the first appointment, I briefly explained my situation:
Married (at the time for 2-1/2 years). I had two BS who lived with us FT. Their father and his wife were not an issue, as we got along just fine.

However, DH had 3 BD who lived with us 50-50. He "guilt-parented" the girls to the extreme. Add to the mix the extremely intrusive, crazy, exWife who made our life a living hell on a daily basis. She emotionally abused the girls and there was a TON of PAS going on.

His "Expert" advice? He's the dad. The "head" of the family. I have to take "his" lead, especially when it comes to him and dealing with "his" ex.

UMMMMM....I don't THINK SO BUDDY!!! What is this- 19 frickin 50?? Should I have his martini ready for him when he arrives at the door and make sure my pearls are on, too?!

I smiled. Thanked him for his time, wrote him his check, and told him to go to hell!!!

And added...for future, it might be helpful not to refer to himself to anyone else as an "expert" in blended family guidance- because his "advice" was nothing short of laughable.

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a schmuck. Counselors are a dime a dozen. Find another one who can give you some realistic advice.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

OMG where did you find this guy??? The sad part is good luck changing counselors now because your FH probably LOVES this guy because he made you look like you were crazy.

We all know that that is not okay. I seriously would not have a problem with my FH going to play golf with his ex BIL if they had been friends for years. The BM showing up and hanging out and saying hey let's all go out to dinner is NOT OKAY. All your man has to do is say sorry I have another engagement. Even if the kids are there. Otherwise he is going to feel trapped. I understand this is all hypothetical of course as it is a worst case scenario but your counselor has got it all wrong. They are divorced and I don't believe, and I'm sure everyone here will agree with me, it is not healthy and it is absolutely ridiculous to play some little happy family scene when that is not the case and there is two seperate households.

Can't say that I'm not disappointed. I wonder if this guy has any first hand experience in dealing with blended families or step issues. It's easy to give advice but it's a whole different story when you're living it.

Hypothetical or not, the only way I would agree to FH going out to dinner with his ex and the kids is if I was there with them.

Did you respond to anything he said to you? Sorry, but I would have told him to stick it where the sun don't shine. This guy is way off base.

I had a counselor too tell me that we needed to let BM do whatever she wants and work around her, and that DH should beg his own child over and over, to love him and forgive him for getting divorced by BM.??

I went back one more time to ask, why is it that everyone else can defend themselves when someone attacks their family but me as a stepmom I am just supposed to accept it? She figured out quick who was paying and changed her tune immediately.

I think they try out this wacky stuff to see if you will fall for it. If you will accept these old-fashioned idea of 'kiss the BM and skids *ss', then they don't have BM in there complaining to THEM!! I would never EVER pay that counselor again to tell me this bullsh*t.

Oh yes, and if DH gets to socialize and play happy family with BM, you get to date, while you are married! so ridiculous

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

when I was married to my first husband he was a selfish no it all. He quit his job, mortgaged our house & wanted to open a sub shop. He was unemployed for 4 months before he bought the place against my wishes while I supported him. I went to a counselor who after I met with her and told her my story she asked why I remained married. After meeting with him alone she decieded that what he was doing was right & that he just seemed so much happier & unstressed that what he was doing was the right thing.

This was not what my dumb assed husband needed to hear. This was thrown up in my face repeatedly until I told him it was over & the best thing for both of us was a divorce. I gotta tell you I could have slapped that woman. What about my happiness? What about my stress of being married to someone who got to do whatever he wanted, not help out at home, I got to support us & he was living his dream & paying himself $1500.00 a month. Geez thanks!

Your DH didn't need to hear that & I am sure even if you find a competant conselor he is only going to remember what this BOZO told him.

My counselor said the same thing and actually had me thinking that I need to take 2nd place. I did for a while but guess what that never works out, he will lose you. There are lots of women out there that put their kids first and all of sudden the men feel unwanted and will start looking elsewhere to feel validated and important. I really think this is what causes a lot of affairs. Don't get me wrong there are creepy men out there that will cheat no matter what but there are men out there that just want to feel they are important and don't always come second to the children. You should tell him this. It is the same situation, he is asking you to be in 2nd place.. pretty soon a man will come along that will be very interested IN YOU.. and doesn't make you feel 2nd. I would throw this situation out as a hypothetical see how he reacts..

I think by now you know my point of view on this. You totally need to come first a s a couple. My counselour agrees with this as well. A child is only there on "loan" to your H and will, eventually, leave.

I say, find another counselor. There is nothing worse than having your feelings invalidated. Remember, as a human being YOU have the RIGHT to your feelings and beliefs. As a matter of fact, you and all the women on this site are admirable for even taking on other peaople's kids. Should you put them first before your needs, NO.

If you do, they may turn out like Cruella's SD's, or worse like the leeching BM's.

And, if you need a vacation from all of this drama, let me know. Maybe it's time for a girls trip or retreat.
One can only hope!

The very first thing anyone learns in counseling classes is to "listen, understand, and validate". That's the mantra. If any counselor is invalidating your feelings, drop them like a hot potato.

Now I like some of the things that Doc Laura has to say (occasionally) however, one I absolutely disagree with is her advice that in divorce or unwed parent situations the CP should not re-marry until the kids are raised and on their own.

Your Counselor has this part all wrong IMHO. The core or any family is the adult relationship/marriage at its center. Everyone including the (S)kids benefit from a healthy adult relationship/marriage at the core of the family whether that marriage is the initial marriage in that family or a re-marriage that has added a Sparent or Skids.

As for the hypothetical BS your FH and MC (Marriage Counselor) developed, WTF are they doing running contingencies in a therapy session? I spent nearly $10K on marriage therapy during my first marriage (nearly 20years ago) and the Therapist never once discussed contingencies. We discussed relationships and she guided us on how to build a strong relationship but she never threw out a contingency about how either I or my XW would deal with a previous significant other approaching us about dinner.

Now, your FH's XB-I-L is your Skids Uncle so I can see a golf game and I can see dinner after the golf outing. However, if the Skids BM is going to be there, you should be there. If it is just Dad, Unc and the kids then I see nothing wrong with the activity.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Yes, I would move onto another counselor...but unfortunately the damage is done. Your FH will probably never let you forget this, even if he hears something different from a new counselor. This enables him to continue in his ways.

Yes, I would move onto another counselor...but unfortunately the damage is done. Your FH will probably never let you forget this, even if he hears something different from a new counselor. This enables him to continue in his ways.

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

The last counselor my DH & I & the skids went to was just like this - everything was MY fault because I was the "step" and I was intruding in on their lives therefore, I should be the one to take a permanent back seat - bull feathers!!

The only thing I can figure is maybe the counselor is in the same situation as you & your DH are in and this is how HE perceives a solution! Definately to his advantage - ugh! Get rid of him, pronto!!

Yep. I'm with the rest. NEW counselor for you first, DH second and the SKIDS last. They already have THEIR counselor. Although, I would also tell you that SD's psychologist we had for a few years was about all of us, and not just SD. That's what we need again.

You need it too because in your case, BM is already unabashed in their quest to have every single one of their needs, and the kids "needs" met (in quotes btw, because NEED is used most liberally in my opinion when it comes to children.)

Your DH, BM, the kids, are all having this unhealthy game of still playing family/house validated by a counselor who SHOULD be pointing out that it is confusing for the kids and NOT IN THEIR BEST INTEREST. Sitting beside each other at a parent conference meeting? Ummm ok. That one I'd let slide. But in this golf outing thing or dinner? Really ridiculous and the counselor is not saying what many others would who actually have experience in this field. In my case with exH and SM, DH and myself, we occasionally have dinner all together at a family function for the kids (or when they had an open house/SM's 40th b-day party, we went to that too.) But we are the exception and it is not confusing for my kids b/c ALL the parents SPs and BPs are present if possible, and welcome for sure.

This is crazy stuff. Find your own counselor. Wish you lived near me, the therapist I saw a few times during our custody case with BM was a SM herself. THAT helped!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert