What do you need?
What do you need from DH?
What do need from the Skids?
What do you need from BM?
What do you need from YOURSELF?
Last year I was at my lowest point in my marriage. It happened when SSthen12 stole our car and went "joyriding". I blogged about it a little but I was so overwhelmed. DH of course did nothing, grounded SS for 1 week! There is a whole backstory that one day I hope to blog about.
During that time all I could focus on was what I thought I needed from DH that I was not getting. I focused on what I needed SS to do, but wasn't doing. I focused on how much I hated BM. I put all my focus on external factors and neglected the most important thing. What I needed from MYSELF.
When I started focusing on what I needed from myself things miraculously started to improve. During moments of intense anger or sadness and there were plenty, this lasted for months. I would ask myself what do I need right now? Not from DH or anybody else, but what do I need from myself? As time went on, I began to find a sense of inner fulfillment and contentment. I was grounded to my core and nobody could shake me.
I realized the most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself. Of course I love DH and want our marriage to work. But I had gotten so caught up in what I wasn't getting from him that I had stopped focusing on me. For every perceived slight, for example, DH putting SS "first", I became hyper focused on myself. I put myself first. In everything. Even in small ways, like eating the last piece of pizza instead of saving it for DH or the kids like I would usually do. In big ways too. I took a vacay to Miami by myself and stayed on South Beach in an expensive hotel. I did everything I wanted to do. And you know what? It felt great. I began to LOVE myself. And I realized I had all the love I could ever need within me. And the love from DH was just the cherry on top. I no longer feel slighted. I don't have ill feelings toward BM, even when she pulls her stunts. I have actually developed a bond with SS and help him grow into a decent young man. Even as a teenager he's pretty pleasant to be around (sometimes).
It's time for step parents to focus on ourselves and put ourselves first.
So I ask you, what do you need from YOURSELF?
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Comments
What do you need from DH?
What do you need from DH?
I need him to be my friend and partner. To be the person that supports me. I need his love and touch.
What do need from the Skids?
I need basic respect and kindness. I am not their mom's (even if for SS20, I am the only mom in his life that ever put him as a priority). I just want peace in my home and for them to value their father.
What do you need from BM?
BM1- Just stay gone.
BM2- Just stop hating DH. Stop being so insecure that you would rather sabotage your child's relationship with his father than support it. Be a decent mother that understand's that father's are important. You can't just dad shop forever- you are already on the 4th for goodness sakes.
What do you need from YOURSELF?
I need to learn to stop taking everything on internally. I need to allow myself space and "me time". I need to be ok with not being in control and not being able to fix things.
*** I think it is important to communicate with your spouse what you need from them. I also think that if the kids are older (10/11+) it is ok to communicate what you need from them too. Also allow them to tell you what they need from you. Open dialogue is so important. BUT knowing what you need from yourself is the most important. ****
Wow this so powerful! I am
Wow this so powerful! I am going to stop feeling so quilty for putting myself first. I put everyone else above myself...my husband, son, SD and my mother. I spend hours worrying, planning and thinking about these people, all I am doing is selling myself short. I am going to start doing all the things that I want to do....what I would like to spend my money on. I am putting too much of my energy into people and things that only hurt me.