What is the right thing to do?
I have been thinking a lot about what happened. Maybe you ladies can tell me if I am doing the right thing. The different opinions I saw helped me a lot.
I think my friend set me up yesterday. Not in a bad way because she was trying to help. I am staying with her and her cousin came over for dinner. They say it was planned long ago. I do not think so. Her cousin is a policeman. Over dinner (where no one got smacked) we talked about what I can do through the police. He gave me his phone number and if I want he will set up an appointment for me to talk to a liaison officer at the police. I am thinking about doing this because I am not happy with what my fiancé said when he came around late last night.
He went to see daughter (14) and her mother. Daughter refuses to apologise. She hates me. She wants her mom and dad to get back together. Fiance told me he is not interested in getting back together with the mother. He can not make his daughter apologise so she will not be coming for visitation until she apologises. He says if she can not behave properly or listen to what he says, he will not have an out of control teenager in his house. The mother is fine with this. They had an argument over daughter(11) still coming for visitation. I don’t know exactly how custody works, but he says the mother must let daughter(11) come or be in contempt of court? He says he does not have to exercise visitation with daughter(14). Is this true?
Is this punishment for daughter14? It feels wrong to me. It feels like he is not dealing with what she did. Some people here have asked why I did not hit her back. I was so shocked when she slapped me, it was like I watched the next few minutes rather than experienced it. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone, but it was like I there but not there at the same time. Do I feel I should have slapped her back? Honestly? Yes!! I wish I did. If I tell the truth I don’t think I would have slapped her though. I don’t think violence solves anything. I thought about what you asked me. “What are you teaching this girl?” What do I teach her if I had slapped her back? I don’t like that solution at all. It is wrong.
I told fiancé I am thinking of going to the police. He is not happy about this. If I go to the police, they will investigate and if it is a solution I want, they may issue an official caution. She needs to admit what she did though. It does not go to court then. How do you choose between doing what you feel is right and the person you love? Fiance has said that if I go to the police he will back up my statement because he will not get daughter 11 dragged in this as a witness. He said if daughter(14) had slapped anyone else, they would have pressed charges so he can not protect her from consequences of what she did. He said that if I wanted to I should go the police. From my best friend’s cousin I learned they may put her in a diversionary program for trouble teenagers if she needs it. Is this not a better solution? I look at what you asked again: what are you teaching this girl? Maybe her parents do not know how to teach her. Maybe it should be me, because I am not a door mat to slapped around by anyone. I don’t know if I want to do this because I am angry or because it is the right thing to do.
I am going to stay with my friend for the next ten days. I told fiancé this. I want space to think and he can have his first visitation next week without daughter 14. I want to see if he sticks to his word.
(Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your responses. )
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Comments
First Ms14 needs to be told
First Ms14 needs to be told by BOTH her parents that they are not getting back together. They love her enough to not get back together because they are better apart. All her bad behavior will only make it clear no parents need to be terrorized for the rest of their lives held hostage by the choices of a teen. And Ms14 does need to hear this from BOTH parents.
And yes, you should file a complaint with the police if nothing but to teach this girl you cannot slap/hit/punch/stab anyone because her feelings are hurt or she is angry. A short sharp lesson today may save her a prison sentence in the future.
Her slapping you was wrong.
Her slapping you was wrong. Plain and simple. I don't agree with the others that you should have called the police. She is a child. A hormonal, emotionally out of control child. I am not saying that you don't make it perfectly clear that if she ever lays a hand on you again that you won't call the police, but I don't think it is appropriate this time.
However, I don't think her not coming back solves anything. I would say that you guys need to exercise your visitation with her and a therapist. Meet in the office 2x a week if you have to and have that 3rd party help you guys work through this.
Also, you finance is correct. She has to make the children available during his visitation but he can choose to exercise it however he sees fit. So if that is one child, than it is only one child. If she takes you to court, you get to tell the judge that she physically assaulted you and that is why. No judge would hold that against the father.
Good Luck!!
Agreed.... however, I think
Agreed.... however, I think that coming back WOULD solve it. The solution is essentially...let her stay with the slappermom... how does that help? Honestly, I think maybe CPS could be a better help than just staying with mom... maybe CPS can explain to both the girl AND mom that slapping is just not okay... ya know?
Maybe an unofficial chat with the cop friend might help too... she might turn herself around if she's "roughed up" a little by a cop (stern talking to, maybe even handcuffs and back of the car... explanation about assault..what can happen in the future...)
Sorry if I didn't come across
Sorry if I didn't come across correctly. I agree that she needs to come back and asap. Just maybe the 1st couple of back together's should be with a counselor. I also like the idea of an "unofficial chat" with the police if that friend of the family is available!
Hmmmm I really don't know
Hmmmm I really don't know what the right answer is. Sounds like your fiance supports you and I think that is good. So there is that plus. It sounds like you want him to do more, but what else can he do? He can't make her apologize. Would her apologizing make a difference in you going to the cops or not?
It sounds like you
It sounds like you disassociated when she slapped you - it is a common response, especially for people who may have experienced physical or emotional abuse in the past. I don't think that you should have slapped her back - it would just have been stooping to her level and escalating things.
I think your man is behaving reasonably in refusing to reinstate visitation until such time as she is ready to apologise - at least he is taking the incident seriously. I don't necessarily feel that involving the police is the right thing to do at the moment.
I am sorry you went through,
I am sorry you went through, but glad it has given you pause for thought.
In the end only you can decide what a just solution looks like. I am glad your fiance has the balls to stand by you if you do decide to go to the police and not prevent you from doing it. I am sure that has given him cause to think about the seriousness of what his daughter has done.
Assaulting someone is extremely serious. At 14 she could end up with a juvenile criminal record because of her own behaviour and that could do serious damage to her future career choice. It can impact her career, her ability to travel to other countries. I wouldn't want my son who is 12 being friend with now, or later in life dating someone with a criminal record due to poor impulse control, and I have no doubt a few other parents would feel the same way too.
This girl is 14 - but at any age a child has no say in the relationship choices of their parent. A poster higher up indicated correctly that she should be made to understand by both parents that her parents are NOT getting back together. Her fantasy is not going to happen and acting out in a criminal way is not going to achieve it. You do have a problem if the biomum has the same fantasy and is encouraging this in her daughter.
To me an apology seems irrelevant at the moment as she doesn't mean it and it will basically be half-assed to get back into Daddy's house. It appears that her mom is ok with this thuggish behaviour, so I am quite fine with the Dad not allowing visitation. He sets the rules for what is allowed in his home, and if she won't listen to what he says, well then she can stay where her behaviour is tolerated. I am different to whether you press charges, that is your choice, but please do see the liaison office at your local police department. If they can make a recommendation of a counselling programme or a diversionary programme to help this girl, it may be an option for her father to look at. Counselling may be a better option than a criminal record.
1. Have that cop friend talk
1. Have that cop friend talk to her in uniform explain exactly what could happen from the slap.
And/Or
2. Want to get this kid's attention? Take the 11 year old somewhere really fun this weekend. I wouldn't let her back in the house because you have left. She gets what she wants and will do it again.
But really this may never get better and you need to think about that.
Nope nope nope…not gonna
Nope nope nope…not gonna debate the slap or any of that. I am going to be totally honest with you though.
You need to rethink this!! If it was me…I would run fast and far from this man. BUT…if you REALLY love him, then live apart until little miss hormonal is out of the house.
You have only known him a year and so far I see that his DD assaulted you...he did nothing about it and now he is abandoning his DD because of it. Guess who is going to get blamed when your SO is missing his kid? You and only you. You cannot win here.
Dump him or live apart and never be around that kid again.
^^^THIS 1000%^^^ Everything
^^^THIS 1000%^^^ Everything Willow said.
^^^Absolutely.^^^ There is so
^^^Absolutely.^^^
There is so much wrong going on here, and as awful as you must be feeling right now, we see your situation repeat over and over on this site.
What should you do? Take care of yourself, of course. JUST you, which means staying away from this man and this mess while you calm down and sort out your thoughts.
It seems that everything in your relationship has been rushed, and you've allowed yourself to be drawn into a relationship with a man who shows questionable judgement. As a parent, he should have known better than to start dating so soon after being widowed, and to move you in, become engaged so quickly, and involve you in parenting his kids was unforgivably stupid.
You have NOT known this man long enough to assess whether he would make a good life partner, and it would be a huge mistake to marry someone with all of these unresolved problems. Crappy parenting creates a miserable marriage. Remember that when called upon, he did NOT protect you and he did NOT parent his child. THAT is the real man. Everything he said and did afterwards is just damage control.
That brat probably did you a huge favor by giving you the wakeup call you needed. I really hope you will love yourself enough to move out, give back the ring, and find a man without kids who will cherish you.
My understanding is that you
My understanding is that you can make a statement to the police and they can write up an incident report to go on file but you can then choose to not press charges. That way the incident is noted should something similar happen in the future to you (or someone else) but it is not giving her a criminal record. Also it should give her a shock as to just how serious what she did was. Please check this with your friend’s cousin though as I am not an expert and things might be different locally to you.
If it were me I would find a way to make sd know how serious this is legally and that if she does this again to anyone in the future it will be worse. If this is the first time she has done something like this towards me (or anyone else) though I would try to avoid her getting a record or ending up ‘in the system’.
I am glad you are taking this time apart from your fiancé. Your friend sounds great, you are lucky to have someone like her in your life.
^^ Fair minded advice - as
Here is what I would do if
Here is what I would do if this were my child.
1. grounded
2. Something she loves taken away for a few weeks
3. Have a cop talk to her and explain the legal consequences for slapping someone
4. Take her to an abuse center and see if the director will talk to her about people who experience violence in the home and what that is like for them.
5. See if she can volunteer in an abuse center in any capacity
6. Make her write a paper why violently attacking someone is not the answer
Here is what I would say to you if you were my child OP
1. Do not live with him
2. Date
Although your SO cannot make
Although your SO cannot make his DD apologize, he can still punish her. Can he remove priviledges or ground her? She needs to have consequences for what she did. This kind of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud.
She iwll never apologize and
She iwll never apologize and she will never see off her idea of her parents ending up together...
IMHO it is too late to go to the police now, let this one slide, or simply go and say you would like to report it but no need for action you just want a record of it in case it happens again. Then let it go.
Keep to your decision, you do not want anything to do with her, never not even if she says sorry, she burnt that bridge. The engagement can go on but postpone the marriage for another 5 years. BF is free to see his daughter when ever he like, but he sees her away from you, You can not tell him he's not allowed to see her, it's still his daughter.
Regarding the 11 year old, stay nice to her but remember she will be the same once she turns into a full blown teenager thus do not get to emotionally involved, maybe the 11 year old will not turn the same but be prepared.
SO keeps on seeing his daughters, SD14 will never move in with you, not even when she 16 and BM can't handle her anymore, if that day come SO needs to move out and find his own place with her, you will not be involved.
If you and SO have plans it will not be cancelled because SD and BM wants something from SO and to stop your plans, make sure SO supports you emotionally only and if he can't end it.