My SD8 lives with my SO and I full time ( I have no bio kids, so its just the 3 of us). She just returned from a nightmare vist with the BioHO. She went through alot of moving around, not having any fun summer activities that kids should have. She was basically passed from one person to the next to sit around and do nothing so her unemployed BioHo could 'hang out with her friends'. So given this, I have been pretty laxed with her because emotionally she is going through alot because of her bad summer. She had been promised all kinds of great things by BioHo and it was built up that she was going to have this great, magical, wonderful summer with her mother. Instead she got hit with the reality that her mother lied to her, never kept her word, and never made her feel important. A child  having to see that a parent is not everyting they want them to be is hard for a kid to accept. All kids want their parents to be good, having ot come to terms with it not being true is alot for a kid to handle.

This was the first visit that they have had in TWO YEARS because BioHo was in jail and missed her visitation last summer. (BioHo lives on the other side of the country, and gets visitiation during the summer and school breaks, but this was the first visit in two years)

Anywho, I know that children have a tendancy to be selfish. Thats jus the way it is. They are still learning social awarness, they have yet to figure out how thier actions effect others. It is a learning process for them, I know. So I dont think my SD8 is selfish because she is simply a selfish person or narcissitic. But, sometimes I wonder....

So I was hoping for some feed back on some of her recent behaviors..... what is normal for her age, or do I need to be concrened?

This morning, I was getting her ready to bring to her grandmothers house. (Her grandmother runs a daycare, out of her home, and this is where some kids catch the school bus, including my SD). Anywho, as we are getting ready to leave she puts a comb in her pocket and says she will do her hair at the daycare. I told her she has a hairbrush in my car and her backpack, she should leave the comb at home. She says that she needs the comb because it is easier to part her hair with. I know this is BS because this is a new comb that I got her so I could part her hair for when she want "fancier hair styles" , and she has always just used a hairbrush otherwise. Because I have been focusing on trying to micromange less (I admit I have done this in the past and it does nothing but cause damage). So, I let it go.... fine bring your comb even though I know its BS.

Afterwards, I got thinking....wait....she knows Grammys rules about bringing combs and hairbrushes to the daycare....its a no. Because kids leave stuff like that out, other kids use it and that is how lice is spread.... plus kids get mad cause other kids are now passing around stuff that belongs to them.

But it got me wondering.... her whole trying to negotiate with and BSing me.... was it just her deciding she really wanted to try and make her own decisons about what to do her hair with ( which I know is normal, and how they start feeling confident enough to have indepenance)... or was it her deciding "I know the rules, and I chose not following them cause I dont like that rule" (Her mother has this problem and is why she was in jail....also nothing is ever her fault. BioHo is always the victim).

I guesse I want to kow.... is the selfishness in pushing the rules and what I told her to not do, is that part of noraml healthy development where she is trying to assert herself and be a little independnet, or is it blantent disregard for the rules and straight up selfish?

I dont want to micromanage her, and I want her to feel like she can challange people (to a degree) because I want her to be able to make her own independnet choices, and to stand up for her self and her beliefs... but I dont want her to end up like the BioHo who does what she wants, when she wants, with total disreagard for others. How do I find a balance of not micromanaging, allowing her grow her independance and self estem, but not allowing her to push things to far and end up like BioHo?