Anger
I live with my boyfriend and his 8 yr old daughter. I refer to her as my sd. He has full custody of her.. and her BM is in and out of her life. However sd WORSHIPS BM. She thinks of her BM as this Disney princess type who is simply magical and wonderful. Her BM has a history of drug use, spent over a year in prison, lies constantly, is not capable if handling basic adulting and goes long periods without communication or making any effort to have a relationship with my SD.
There are days that everything SD does makes me so angry... the way she behaves, the way she plays, when she sings songs she made up... everything.... there are days where she just makes me so angry.
i know that it is unfair to her that I feel this way. She is a kid... all kids play, and sing, have energy... she’s not doing anything wrong. So why do I get so annoyed at EVERY LITTLE THING!
- Left out mama's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think it's a bit of a
I think it's a bit of a biology situation to not have an affinity for offspring that aren't our own. But, you are right.. she is a kid and probably a lot of your issues.. are yours.. not that there is anything wrong with her.
She also is a living proof of the relationship your BF had with his EX. She may resemble her... and honestly as a kid.. she wants to love her mom.. and wants her to be fantastic.. even if she isn't.
I know logically you can't see that she would worship her mother.. but nature has a way of putting that love in a child's heart... no matter how crappy mom is.
I might suggest some counseling to see if you can manage your frustrations. Honestly, if you can't.. you owe your BF and his child a quick exit so he can move on.
I agree the issues are mine
I agree the issues are mine and not hers.
As far as her being proof of a relationship that my bf had.... I’m not so concrned with that part....
i also understand the biological end of the love she has for her mother. I truly do. I grew up in foster care because my mother was extremely abusive. Yet as a kid I thought my mother was a saint...
i have never felt the urge to harm my sd so I don’t think my anger is a genetic thing.
I do feel like I have these feelings of anger toward her when she goes through periods when her mother is all she talks about, and how wonderful she thinks her mother is. My anger is more at her being oblivious to the fact that her BM has never been a mother that puts her kids before herself.
i feel like my anger is not so much at the way my SD plays or sings... but at the fact that her BM who she has not seen in over two years is considered a wonderful mother. I just want her to wake up and see the reality! That it has been her father and grandparents who have done everything... BM gets all the credit for work she has never done.
i love my SD I really do. I understand the desire of wanting and believing your BM to be good even when all the evidence clearly says that’s not true.
I hate that I look at my SD and see how oblivious I was about my own BM.
I do appreciate your feed back ESMOD. I feel like it has given me the opportunity to better pick apart my frustrations. You brought up some great points about the biological end of things, the physical resemble, but more importantly that she is not the cause of my frustration. To make her the target of my frustrations that she is completely innocent of... she deserves for me to be more patient and understanding. So does her father who I love more than I have ever loved any man... I will work harder to be the GF and SM they deserve.
Kids love their moms. No
Kids love their moms. No matter how horrible they are, if they’ve put them in danger, if they’ve abandoned them, etc. I know I see the same thing with my skids. BM has a history of drugs, is drunk a LOT, ditches them with family, doesn’t EVER find anything for them, abandoned them entirely for over a year, and go ages without seeing them. Prior to me it was still lots of ditching, SD10 was basically raising her sister until DH got out of the military, and she would leave them with a grandparent for months when he deployed. SD10 even realizes this. She sees she’s useless and hates going. But you can tell, she still wants her mother’s love. SD6 sees BM and wants her affection and love. It’s not because she’s ever done anything for them, but what little girl doesn’t want her mommy to love her? Recognizing (they often realize but don’t want to acknowledge it) that mommy might not care as much as they think, feels like admitting there’s something wrong with them to a lot of little girls.
i know it sucks. Especially when you see the truth, but that’s the reality of it. Little girls want their mommies to love them, no matter how awful BM may be.
Also the feelings are likely resentment. I suggest finding a hobby and making sure you take care of yourself. I have a punching bag and it really helps with the occasional spurts of anger.
It’s not necessarily unfair. We’re all entitled to our emotions. Just make sure you don’t take them out on her and funnel it into something you enjoy!!! It’s all about what YOU can handle.
This may not be the relationship for you
It’s only going to get worse, and the BM will ALWAYS get the credit.
Some things I’ve learned. My
Some things I’ve learned. My SD has an unreliable BM as well. We spent a lot of time sheltering her (as if you can totally shelter someone from a crappy parent)... anyway she knows all BMs junk now, still talks (or I should say lies) about her mom like she’s the bees knees in front of us. My takeaway, I feel sorry for her, she’s totally full of it, and she knows it.
She has also admitted to DH that she purposely compares me and what I do negatively to BM to try to piss me off... doesn’t work so well on me other than it makes me really uncomfortable (its almost like she’s baiting me to insult her mother), so I tend to ignore and withdraw. I eventually just stopped conversing with her because literally all she talks about is “lie, lie, lie, about something ridiculous BM did that was way better than SM”. I really have no way to combat to that, other than I did refuse to cook for her because she was constantly doing it over my cooking. It’s not like I’m going to give crazy BM a call and ask her if SD is lying.
Anyway, I’ve come to accept that SD is very likely personality disordered like her mother, and just not someone I will plan on having a good relationship with, like ever, and that’s ok.