Last night my ds came home from the weekend at his dads. My ds is 12, a good kid, smart, a comedian of almost adult humor (not inappropriate just kids don't get it adults do but he needs to know when to stop), he's charming,loves to read, and will help me study because he likes to learn wht I'm learning,he's generally lazy not that he lays about but it will do everything he can to not have to do things that are not what he wants to be doing right now. He however always has an excuse for poor choices, breaking rules, not doing or turning in his homework. It's never his fault and getting him to take ownership has been a challenge and frustrating because this was a huge issue with his BD as well.
He can't stand my SO's kids, they've taken over his tiny room as we have nowhere else we cannot move to a bigger place we can't hardly afford what we have (3br 970sq ft single story house no basement) SO's kids have trundles kept in my kids rooms and we have them week on week off, their toys are in my ds's room, but only ss's bed sd has her's in my dd's room. They are annoying kids to him there is a 6 and 7 year age difference. SO tries too hard to be involved in everything, from rules to discipline and I've repeatedly asked him to stop because he keeps changing them from what my kids have always grown up with and I'm strict but it's like if I ground them from electronics for a week he pipes up with "and you have to do an extra chores everyday" like it's his need to be included when I already handled it and he needs to back off.
Now you have some background on him, the point. He cam home and said "you know how (BD's gf's dd) lived with her real dad, then lived with her mom for a year, and then went back to her dad but now lives with her mom all the time?"
Me "yeah"
DS: "I think I should live with dad for a year."
I was crushed, I still am. I was also furious and wanted to scream at him because I've been the only active parent his dad's kinda not interested, except for the tax return he wants, and getting out of cs.
Instead of getting mad I asked him to talk to me about why he wants to do that, how he thinks it would benefit him, who would take care of him since his dad never knows when he will get off and is sometimes not home until 7-8pm. Who/how will he get to sports practice since his dad never can now because he doesn't know when he will get off work? I tried to let him figure it out for himself. BD's gf can't keep her license so she's not reliable for transport, or other stuff and ds kept saying she could make up for all that his dad can't, or me and my SO which I pointed out if he lived with BD that becomes his dads problem instead of mine (was that out of line?)
Then the kicker his dad's been making him feel guilty for NOT wanting to move in, he's been bugging him every weekend he's there, telling him he can now decide who he wants to live with, and showed him how much is left out of his pay after cs (75$ because he's thousands behind and has to pay extra and interest to pay it down so it's more that the CO)told ds that if he ever had to pay cs and loses his job he should go to court and have cs dropped or lowered (again he's paying more because of the arrears) Then there was the last visit where both kids had to listen to their dad rant and rave and scream calling me the B word, telling the "your mother is nothing but a C you next tuesday, slut, whore" etc because he assumes everything I do, is about him and got pissed about something that had NOTHING to do with him, but slammed me up and down in front of them and to them.
Anyway, I asked ds what information did he need from me, did he have questions for me and should I see about family counseling for him since he seems very conflicted.
He asked if he can decide where to live. "No, you cannot until you are 18 then your an adult and can live where ever you want. However a judge may take into consideration your wants but in the end will decide based on what's best for you not just what you want."
DS: "Why do you take all of dads money for cs?", Me: "I don't take your dads pay, it was ordered by the court based on the check stubs your dad gave me to give the court 28% of what he makes, he has to pay more because he stopped paying for a while and then pays less than ordered so the state ordered more to pay back the missed payments, and charges interest. that is the state and the courts not me." I then showed him the custody papers the cs part what is the original order.
He asked why he only sees his dad eowe, this was hard for me because the truth is exh/BD never showed to court not once and out of the entire process the only thing he was upset about was the tax return that I'd be claiming both kids and getting the earned income credit (potentially thousands of $) So I told him the truth, that I had felt it in their best interest to live with me, that his dad had been fine with it and never fought any of it, that the only part of the divorce he'd been concerned about was the tax return.
He went to bed shortly after, dd then came to me and told me that their dad has been doing the same to here and she didn't know he was also trying to get ds to move in, but that now it makes sense because he's always complaining about being broke and it's my fault for "stealing all his money" His gf has been harping on him to have his kids more, ask them for dinner, etc (dd's take is gf genuinely wants them to be "family" more than eowe I used to ask him if he wanted the kids more and he always had an excuse.) Their dad NEVER asked for them extra until about 5 months ago and it's sporadic, an extra dinner during the week, keep them an hour longer on his weekends that's it. He doesn't really want them he wants to placate the gf (and it's sweet of her to keep trying I gave up 2 years ago)But this bad mouthing me (and my SO and his kids are also being used) and making ds feel guilty for not living there more, and saying I'm the reason he's broke and stealing from him (it's my income that makes the tax return and I have the kids 95% the tax return crap pisses me off) I don't know what to say to my son without being afraid I'm alienating or confusing him more. I don't know what to do, I don't know how or if I should address this with exh and I really really want to defend the lies he's telling his gf (about custody, and cs and the tax return and why we divorced etc) I've tried to be a good BM I'm not perfect and this is their dad but I don't believe he wants them (he really didn't want them dd was a surprise and he originally suggested I abort, ds was to placate me when I wanted a second kid)I really believe it's all the tax return, cs and to placate the gf.
What should I do? Am I handling this okay? Is counseling a good idea? I also told SO to back off with my ds, stop butting into rules and punishment support MY decisions and butt out the rest, keep his kids out of my ds's hair and under control till I figure this out. Rude eh probably but gwad his kids drive me nuts too.