Some positives..in a negative world...
Positive-we own a home! Should be moved in by end of month.
Negative- ss13 has to change schools. We tried to find something with a yard, in the same school district, but dh found this house right before the seller put it on the market...i feel for ss, but for dhs buisness its a great find.
Positive- ive made a mom friend!
Negative- her child is a scream communicator, ear peircing, she has him in speech therapy, but im sure it will be a while before the screaming tappers off. Baby girl does ok with him, but once he gets frustrated and starts screaming at her, she clings to me so playdate is over at that point.
If any of you read my other blog about ss13 dropping the "MISS", and just calling me by my first name, i have been working with his therapist.
She told me to start correcting him. I did. He still was doing it in front of his friends. So we had a family session, this past monday. She suggested it since we are getting ready to move.
Dh has wanted him to call me "mom" since he was 8, but i said no to that. I figured when ss got older and was ready to change what he was calling me, we would move forward with a "momish" name, not go backwards to my first name!
So i started off the conversation... but i think ss hearing from dh that HE does not like him calling me by my first name, made it sink in.
Ss still tried to act like he did not get it, but his therapist can talk more privately with him, if he wants to talk about it.
Mainly what i did not like was he would bring friends over and mumble...thats first name...she is uh kind of my stepmom...uh yeah..
Then i tell the friend...im MSlady, or MRSlastname...loud and clearly!
I have been around this kid for almost 8 years, bonding wise a good 6years, ive had his lastname for going on 5 years, yet to him he only thinks of me as my first name?!
But im glad we talked about it before we moved, and before he starts making new friends.
You dont want me to be your mom, fine, i get, but im not a friend, and your friends are not going to call me by my first name...dont want to associate me with your lastname, sorry that will be something you can talk over with your therapist, because it is my name.
He tried to run his mouth a few times, but dh shot him down lol...ss tried to use "you dont call your step dad-dad- you call him by his first name."
Haha. Yeah. Because he married my mom when i was 26!! I was an adult...and i called him mr, until he told me not to, and now we call him pops for the grandkids!!
He was not in my life as a kid, and to me its a real bummer that dh had to explain things to ss.
Like also how my step- is changing to pops- but ss wants to go backwards- not forward.
Atleast its off the table- we also talked to him about BS8- that he needs to stop saying "we are not brothers"..."ill never be your brother"...ss does not do that to baby girl when she calls him brother, and ss has been apart of my sons whole life! Of course an 8 year old will call you brother!
Ss tried to lie and say he does not do that- HE CORRECTS HIM AND SAYS STEP- bwhahaha- ok ss.... you cant even say step mom clearly- but you can say stepbrother?!
They were playing a video game together and my son said "im going to find you bro" "where are you brother" and everytime ss said "im not your brother" everytime...like geez us he is a lil kid that lookz up to you, shut your mouth!
Anyway its out there, ss knows WE all know! So i hope this helps in the long run.
But i felt we did not end on a sour note. Ss stayed downstairs after the session, usually he runs to his room, after he hung around us for awhile!
I just hope this family dynamic gets better...its so hard sometimes, any little positive changes i welcome!!
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Comments
congrats on the
congrats on the home....
regarding SS - it will get better, as long as you treat all the kids the same and stick to no first name basis.
I think SS will change allot in the new school, he might make new friends, I would tell him it's like a new start, the past to be forgotten, he gets a second change in life to be a good student and popular kids, not bullying any one..
Thank you!
Thank you!
Congratulations on the house!
Congratulations on the house! I was just thinking this morning how much I miss having a yard to myself in the summer (ours is shared with our neighbors in our apartment building). I hope the move goes ok and you all get settled in well.
I am glad you had a good discussion with your ss to make him understand where the boundaries lie and what is and is not acceptable in your home. I could see him getting frustrated and confused if you call your stepdad by his first name so I think it must have been useful for him to hear your clarification on that.
It can be confusing for people (adults and kids) I think as Bright said above, we all have our preferences and cultural baggage which influences that. Sd and her friends I insist all call me by my first name which has confused one or two adults who feel it is disrespectful but I have just had to explain that that is how I prefer it and that I do not take any offense by it as it is my name.
Thank you! Im excited- but
Thank you! Im excited- but now i have to get serious on packing.boo...i need packing gnomes!! Lol
Yeah i wish it was not an issue, but im glad we are dealing with it now, and not in elementary school, because no therapist and dh was just going to force him to call me mom!
Which was not the way to go at all.
It sounds like y'all sorted
It sounds like y'all sorted it out with him. And like you said if he needs further instruction or whatever he can talk to his therapist. I can come from his perspective. I call my MIL by her first name (no Ms) but I call her husband, my husband's stepdad Mr.FirstName. My sister in law does the same and we all MIL's mom "Grandma FirstName" It can definitely be confusing for a kid but in no way should he be allowed to call an adult by their first name. He wouldn't call his teacher her first name.
Yeah. I could see he was
Yeah. I could see he was struggling every time he would have a friend over.
Im just glad we have a therapist, after we move, im going to get serious looking for a family one.
She has helped, but she is just for ss.
Well he is an ODD kid- he
Well he is an ODD kid- he does not understand adult
/kid boundries... my MIL is a nut- and acted very kiddish around him, and would talk about adult stuff around him. Also she would let him And his cousin make fun of her...now its bitting her in the ass!! She tells me all the time how they hurt her feelings!! Haha. Well maybe if you guys corrected him when he was in elementary school, and not acted like buddies, a teenager would not be hurting your feelings!!
With all the "buddy"adults in his life i liked the ms...but now that he is a teen he is trying to change it...great...but he mainly tries the "firstname" in front of friends. If he was a different kid and we started out that way, fine, but i feel like he is doing it to show off...even after i talked to him- just us- and then corrected him when he did it afew other times- i just feel its half no respect- half being a teen- half letting me know im not his mom.
Its weird i never thought something like this would bother me, but here we are, lol.
Oh my girlfriend said she
Oh my girlfriend said she wondered if he is trying to keep this wall up, like maybe him liking me- is hurting his fantasy about his real mom.
If he starts calling me a momish name- its replacing her, and he is not ready to let go of this "my mom will get me and everything will be awesome"
I could see that too.
You didn't want your 8 year
You didn't want your 8 year old SS to call you mom because you are not his mom.
Now your SS doesn't want your 8 year old son to call him brother because he isn't his brother.
:? :? :?
I do not see this as
I do not see this as controlling at all or as a double standard these are two separate issues. I am not really sure why you both are taking offense to this.
It is not controlling to want to be called by the name of your choosing. It is not controlling for parents to educate their children in respect and how to be respectful to others by using names that people prefer.
It is not controlling to tell someone not to say something that might hurt someone else's feelings and educate them to think about how a comment could be perceived and what effects that might have on their relationship. It is teaching the child how to have a broader understanding of others and consider the power of thier words.
The boy is not being told to call his brother "brother", but just not to say "you're not my brother". That is like me telling my sd not to say "you're not my mother" when she does it in a way that is meant to hurt me, our relationship or show a lack of respect for my position as a parental figure in her life. It is not the same as me telling my step daughter to call me BethAnne rather than just Beth, if that were my preference. It is two separate issues.
Thank you beth for
Thank you beth for explaining...i know they are trying to stir the pot.
Im not making ss do anything....if you read i was hoping to progress to a mom type name, now that HE IS READY, to call me something else.
But again i do not think its ok for his friends to call me by my first name, and i wanted to be clear with him, since he seemed confused on what to tell his friends.
But the issue was AFTER i talked to him, he purposly dropped my first name in front of his friends!
Alone he would not do it. Only in front of people.