WTF did i get myself into?
This is my first post...
Help! I need advice, techniques, whatever you can give. I love my husband and our family but the situation in itself is a nightmare.
When we first started dating things were great of course he has two kids (SS7 and SD6) by one BM1 and another (SS3) by another BM2. At first BM1 played nice we met we would talk about the kids she would call my phone to talk to kids etc it was fine. BM2 has always been a bitter nightmare dragging us in and out of court over false accusations keeping child away but we finally got that under control (for now) and i love SS3 we bond great and he calls me mommy. SS7 and SD6 are another story they lie, fight, hit the younger two kids (SS3 and BS3), cry and say things straight from thier mothers mouth "we emotionally abuse them" because he cant have more ice cream.BM1 is trying to take the kids from my husband she has alreday moved 2 hours away relocated the kids school only wants to speak to him basically wants to control my husband and have all say in the kids lives but doesnt care for them she only wants child suppport. My husband allows the kids to do whatever they please and its stressful they come over tear the house apart hurt the little kids always want to spend money and its almost like i have panick attacks when they come over. For two months she kept the kids away from my husband and it was so peaceful but now he is getting them again.
How do i deal with two high conflict BMs? How do I bond with step children that im always forced to discipline and whos mother turns them against me? How do i voice these concerns to my husband without sounding like a horrible person?
P.S he is fighhting for full custody, so i need to bond fast!
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Comments
I am also the breadwinner so
I am also the breadwinner so this puts strains on my marriage and the kids as well with christmas coming up im now buying for all four kids, groceries, clothes presents, and so on.
Disengage
Let your husband do the disapline and taking care of them. Your job is to make sure your kid is not being hurt and is being taken care of.
He doesn't discipline them he
He doesn't discipline them he lets them tear the house up, hit the younger ones and whatever they want they are horribly disrespectful and it's a shock to me because I've never seen a child be so disrespectful I would get popped real quick if I even thought about it
Why is he going for full
Why is he going for full custody? It seems like he can’t afford them now if you are buying everything!
Exactly! He wants his kids
Exactly! He wants his kids because the mother doesn't take care of them but if he does get custody I'll be taking care of them. I can't afford it all on my own.
Oh No You Don’t
He buys his own kids their gifts. This is not on you. I fell into that trap and damn I wish I had that money back. The only way I would do it would be as a loan. You can't afford to buy Christmas gifts for kids, you shouldn't be making them. He can take them to the Toys for Tots giveaway if he needs to.
How do you parent/discipline? You don't. His kids, his responsibility. You keep yours within arms reach at all times when his are there so they can't hurt him. It's difficult to do, but I did it for years.
He wants to fight for residential custody. With what money? Not yours! And not with your help. 99% of men who want residential custody rely on their SO's to do the paperwork and determine strategy and deal with the lawyer. If you don't help, it's almost a guarantee it doesn't happen.
Keep your finances separate and focus on your child. How his turn out isn't your responsibility or a reflection on you.
He pays for 50% of shared bills (food, housing, utilities, etc.). If he can't come up with it, you make sure he understands that anything extra you pay above 50% is a loan to him, and you keep a ledger. Better yet, he goes out and gets a second job. And no, you are NOT the babysitter. If he's not there, they're not there.
This sounds like an ideal
This sounds like an ideal situation, I wish it would work this way. But if I don't do for those kids nothing will get done and I feel bad that my child will open stuff and they won't but at the same time I don't want them around cuz they break up what I do buy. He won't discipline the kids he won't pay me back I've tried these things.....I don't want this any more but my husband doesn't take me seriously.
Well, at least you didn't say
Well, at least you didn't say he was "amazing".
He has TWO high conflict exes, 3 kids under 7, makes less money than you, and doesn't discipline his children at all. Yet he's going to fight for custody of the two older kids (with whose money will he fight this losing battle)?.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Why would you put yourself and your BS3 (please tell me he's not DH's kid) through this? This seems like a terrible situation.
I have nothing to say other than please consider that you've made a huge mistake.
He's not my sons father, my
He's not my sons father, my sons father and I were together for years and tried for well over a year to have my son and when he turned 8 months old he said he doesn't want a family and left. He started a family with a women two months later married her two kids and all. I genuinely have trauma when it comes to men starting with my dad and I think that's why I allow myself to be in these situations. He's a great father to my son he cares for him spends time with him and is involved and that's what I love, when it's just us things are great except the money but it wasn't always like this he got laid off and it's like he gave up
You need to protect your son
You need to protect your son. If you are the breadwinner, does that mean DH doesn't work? If so, he should have plenty of time to supervise his children. If he won't, you need to have him move out so your child is safe. Or send your son to live with his father. It is not fair to make your child live in a home where he is being physically hurt.
Please reconsider having your SS3 call you Mommy. Since his BM is high-conflict, that is only going to make it worse.
Do not finance any of DH's child custody issues. If he can't afford to his kids on his own, he shouldn't have them.
OP, by chance do you own a
OP, by chance do you own a beagle?
I see what you did there*ROFL
I see what you did there*ROFL*
I'm confused but no dogs? Or
I'm confused but no dogs? Or pets
Would he be fighting for full
Would he be fighting for full custody if he were single? If the answer is no, then he should end this fight ASAP.
The only thing she should worrying about get full custody of at this time is a higher paying job.
What's attractive about a man that isn't earning enough money to support himself and his children? I have the question for mothers that can't support themselves and their kids.
Nothing and that's another
Nothing and that's another issue I'm not attracted to the man I was Soo in love with
Well you can understand why
Well you can understand why BM1 would be upping the crazy. Shes been through this rollercoaster of a new stepmom and having to manage her kids not feeling replaced when their dad had a kid with someone else and now that's fallen apart too and dads gone and got another mother figure involved who also has another child.
BM2 is not going to be happy that your child and her child are the same age and if her kid is calling you mummy then that is a starting call for war for some women.
You are the bread winner, so your husband needs to step up if he wants to go for custody. You cannot possibly afford to have 4 kids full time if you are the breadwinner and fretting for christmas. Time for DH to have a reality check.
The only thing you need to do
The only thing you need to do is support your husband - IF you actually want to have these kids full time. Personally, I wouldn't. They seem to just cause turmoil in your home. It is probably a better idea to keep custody the way it is. Tell your DH that you are going to stop disciplining them and he needs to step up to the plate. Step back and be more of the fun aunt figure in their lives. When they are being little nightmares, just tell DH to deal with it.
Stop trying to be the parent
Stop trying to be the parent for your skids and let your DH step up to be the parent. Disengaging will help reduce the anxiety and stress of having misbehaved children in your home. Set boundaries with your skids. Protect your child, and if they do something to hurt your child, of course you step in and handle it accordingly. But you should not be concerned about Christmas gifts for your skids. What would happen if you told your DH that you're not going to buy any gifts for them?