Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I'm rarely prioritized
Aloha Step folks. It's been a while since I posted and I hope you're all doing great. I came back here to get your thoughts on a time sharing issue and feeling like I'm not prioritized by my SO.
A bit of background info: My BF and I got together in 2017 during his ugly divorce and I moved to Hawii to be with him. He has a son who was 2 when I met him and is now 8, turning 9 in May and I think he's an awesome kid. BF has 50/50 custody, 2/2/5 I think is what it's called? BM has SS8 mondays and tuesdays, bf has him wednesdays and thursdays, and they switch off friday-sundays. My bf has made some decisions and done things that have been not only hurtful, but majorly damaging to trust. We used to live together but I decided I want to live on my own while we stay dating because I felt used and not considered when he made big decisions. It was also so that we can have a chance to just date like a normal coulpe for a while. This means when he has his son I don't see him much.
Unfortunately the ongoing manipulation, lies and lack of follow-through has caused a gaslighting effect and now I don't trust my judgement. I've been in therapy for years about this and it hasn't helped, at least not yet. We've tried couples therapy and went through about 6 therapists and none of them were effective. He has done a lot of good work on himself from being in his own therapy the majority of the time we've been together. But there's a lot of work to go.
It's been a real struggle to make my voice heard about wanting boundaries with BM and for me to have some level of prioritization. It's a non-stop pain point that I'm always fighting for. I told him a while ago that I want him to stop switching days with BM. She is always asking to switch days and disrupt the scehdule, and BF says OK a lot of the time and doesn't talk to me about it. He ended up saying OK to me about no more switching days. This piece of work BM just always has SOMETHING going on, constantly contacting BF to change days. If she needs to have free time and wants BF to take SS, then she gives up those days, but ideally to me there would be no change at all.
This time, BM's grandmother passed away so she wanted to go to LA for the funeral. BF said OK, of course not checking with me. BF has had SS since around Feb 1, and BM came back on Tuesday 2/14. Because of the timing, it's BF's weekend this weekend and I asked that since he's had SS for so long can he give this weekend to BM. SS misses his mom understandably, and besides Tuesday night, BF and I haven't had adult time for almost 3 weeks. BF pushed back a lot on this. He said he doesn't want to give up any days, but I'm reminding him he is in a surplus of days if he's counting. I told him I rarely feel like I have a voice in this relationship and it would mean so much to me if he would give this weekend to BM so we can finally have time together, and he finally said ok, I'll ask SS and if he's ok with it then I'll arrange that. I said great. I was there when he brought it up to SS last night, and of course he said he would love to spend time with his mom.
Just several minutes later, BF's neighbor came by and reminded him he committed to being somewhere next Thursday morning (BF's day) at the same time he's supposed to take SS to school. He said he forgot about it and he's going to need to give the day to BM and he wants to revisit whether he gives this weekend to BM. I said these are two seperate things since this weekend was already decided on, not just with me but with his son as well. He immediately started telling me I'm being unflexible, unreasonable, etc. This angered me so much but I was quite calm. I feel like he doesn't even want to spend time with me at this point. He's eager to say yes to everyone, including BM, his freaking neighbor, but not with me. I don't feel my requests are unreasonable. I'm very supportive of him having equal custody. I embrace and adore his son. But whenever I voice what I want with the time sharing, he will quickly attack me and accuse me of not being supportive. I have never asked/hinted/indicated in any way that I want him to "give up" time with his son. I've only ever wanted him to follow through on committments he's already made, to be consistent, and for as much fairness as possible.
I feel at a loss pretty frequently with him. He's put me through so much abuse but also showed so much personal growth that I don't know what's right and what isn't right. Curious to hear y'alls thoughts.
- Kona_California's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He still isn't respecting you
He still isn't respecting you. IMO. It must be a real weight on your shoulders to know you moved to be with him and yet it's still not a solid relationship. Some people like the chaos. My BM was one of those people. You can't live like that forever. I'd ask SO if he'd consider alternative weeks for custody. If not, I'd start backing away from him and see if he misses you. (180 him , Divorce Busting book) it's one thing to do therapy for yourself, but if the relationship isn't getting any better than some deep reflection is called for. He seems too enmeshed with his former life. Too much for my taste.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've seen some of my previous posts about the chaos. You're right, I don't even have the words to describe the feeling of moving here five and a half years ago, being 38 years old with no children, and our relationships has gone backwards. I've definitely been backing off a lot, mainly with not living together and when he has SS I minimize time I spend with them. I feel bad for SS because he asks for me a lot and I love spending time with him. But when SS is around, BF is totally checked out and will zone out, nap, etc. And he seems to think that's the same as me and him spending quality time together.
Take some time away
Give some space to things and this will help you gain perspective. Its been a LONG time. Long enough to prioritise you as his partner.
It definitely has been a long
It definitely has been a long time. When you say give space do you mean cutting contact for a little bit? It feels like I have already backed off a lot and if anything he's backtracked and gotten more complacent with BM.
I'd rather have a skid full
I'd rather have a skid full-time than have my SO be at the constant beck and call of a squirrel-brained chaotic BM. And the worst part is being the odd one out, with SO and BM spending all their time communicating about the ever-changing schedule. These types of "schedules" benefit BMs and BDs, and the people who suffer are the ones who have no say-so but are affected - the stepparents and the skids. The kids who are bounced and shuffled for their parents' convenience, with no stability in their lives, often turn out to be socially amd emotionally stunted.
YEEES PREECH! I genuinely
YEEES PREECH! I genuinely feel bad for my SS8 for the total instability in his life. I'm the one reminding BF how bad it is for HIM. The poor kid cries frequently about hating the back and forth. My thinking is it's mainly the lack of any predictability in his day-to-day. I can't imagine what that's like as a young child, being at school and having no idea which house he'll be at that night.
My SO's youngest was the same
My SO's youngest was the same way. Never knew where he was sleeping. At any moment, BM could show up and say "pack your sh!t, you're staying at my house tonight." At any moment she could ahow back up to drop him off. She and SO were constantly texting and talking about who was sleeping where. Exchanging the kids sometimes multiple times per day. SO's youngest couldn't tie his shoes, ride a bike, or cut his own meat at age 10. Couldn't entertain himself. Didn't understand why he kept getting in trouble at school or why the other kids didn't like him. SO tried to say "all this is for the kids", but the reality was it was so BM could go shopping or clubbing or on vacation or whatever. SO kept his house always open to her so she could pick up and drop off the kids whenever she wanted, no questions asked. I wouldn't deal with it. I never moved in but told him i never would if thinhs didn't change. Now SO does week-on/week-off. He still keeps SS12 after school on BM's days, and SS19 is in charge of managing her and getting SS12 to and from her house when she is available. It's not ideal but it's better than it was, and better than what you deal with.
My god. The poor kid. I feel
My god. The poor kid. I feel like if I hadn't come into my SO's life when I did I think their dynamic would have been the same as what you went through.
The other thing about my SO is he's very calculating. He's verbalized this a number of times in the past, which is he loves taking days from BM because if they ever go back to reevaluate the child support, he can show that he's had SS more than 50% to avoid as much financial responsibility as possible. So for this reason he resists keeping things even.
ETA I say ditch the losers
ETA I say ditch the losers and join a hiking group or learn to surf! Your SO and BM sound very selfish.
Allright, the funeral is a once off, can’t help it biomum
Wants to go to funeral interstate and mourn death of her mum.
but the bigger issue here is this man is not ready to invest time and energy into a relationship with anyone. He can't make time and prioritise your relationship. His life revolves around his kid and biomum.
when i met my husband, he'd been divorced 5.5 yrs and ss was 15.5, at that age ss was independent that hubby took time to go out with me and if hubby had to fly out for work, ss stayed home alone and ordered takeaway as they lived walking distance fron many restaurantsz
our relationship was important. Now when sd's decided to reconnect with hubby after 5.5 yrs silence, they did the whole last minute changes cancellations and expected hubby drop everything and jump hoops. Sd's wouldn't be ready and when we left their home we had to uturn back because eldest sd thought she didn't lock the house. We were married 3.5 yrs and had 2 young toddlers. I put my foot down and said when we make plans, thats it!! If they can't be available that time, there are no detours, no changes to times etc, they had to make their own way to whatever family functions or outings we were going to
This bf of yours isn't ready to invest time and energy into your relationship, there are plenty of fish in the sea and many men who would value you and your time and building a relationship and future with you. You need to think hard whether you wanna waste those precious years of your life and not get a return on that investment or look elsewhere
don't wake up one day and realise i wasted 5 yrs with this man and i'm still not a priority, we don't have kids and i've wasted my time and energy for nothing when i could have been in a meaningful relationship/marriage
don't be that woman in her late 30s who has probably lost her chance to have kids because she was strung along by a selfish man still connected to his ex and still emotionally married to her and using their kid to manipulate things to her advantage
"Don't wake up one day and
"Don't wake up one day and realize I wasted 5 years with this man..... don't be that woman in her late 30s who has probably lost her chance to have kids..." Well, it looks like I'm THAT woman. I'm 38 and have spent 6 years in this toxicity.
For some reason, I can say to myself there are plenty of fish in the sea but on a more sub conscious level I think I believe this is it. It's either this BF or I lost my chance. That thought just crushes me.
So is he the only man on this
So is he the only man on this planet??? Plus times changed when women all got married young and had kids young. My daughter belongs to "mom and baby" type of group and she told me she was shocked she is the youngest in the group. She is 35 and have an infant and she thought of herself as older mother but other ladies are in late thirties and early 40s!
Now I am not saying you must have kids. Many women don't want kids.
I married my DH at 50. He's a wonderful man. You don't have to spend your life waiting for this bozo. At 38 you have a lot of options
Is your partner committed to your relationship?
Are you getting a return on investment on this relationship!?
is he ensuring a harmonious home environment?
is the answer is no, why waste your life on him??
Exactly. If the answer is no,
Exactly. If the answer is no, why waste many years of our lives? People don't change. We all wasted time in bad situations. We don't want OP to do that
BM can't be expected to not
BM can't be expected to not attend funerals and I don't think he needs to consult with you if it's ok for BM ro attend funerals. Aldo most parents want their kids with them so they'd not say no. Not having adult time might not be high enough on a list for a parent of a young kids.
having said that, he's kind of a jerk isn't he. when you lived in his house I recall you couldn't even get a job because you had to be a nanny all day.
I don't even know why are you with this guy? This isn't an issue of a parent wanted more time with his kid which is normal, it's an issue of a guy not even being that into you.
You endure abuse why? From some dude? Also is relationship going on because you keep showing up to his house? What if you stop coming over? Would it fizzle because he'd not make any effort? There's no commitment here either
there are other men out there. My DD is 35, I'd be depressed if she lived like this. Sat around waiting for some guy when he doesn't have a kid so she could have adult time. Go live your life
Idk attending a funeral is
Idk attending a funeral is one thing but this woman spent 2 weeks funeraling. And, it wasn't BM's mother who died, but her grandmother if i'm reading it right. Seems excessive. How does she even keep her job, taking 2 weeks off for a grandparent funeral? I know sometimes there are special situations, but when every situation is milked as a special situation to benefit the parents and make a shit sandwich for the kid and stepmom, i agree with you. OP should find someone else.
Yes, it was BM's grandmother
Yes, it was BM's grandmother who died, not her mother. BM also has an enormous family so as insensitive as it might sound, I wonder how many times a two to three week funeral is going to come up.
Well yeah two weeks is
Well yeah two weeks is excessive. But it's really no one's business. If I dated a guy who begrudged me that I had my DD with me for two weeks while dad was gone to see his family (or any other reason), I'd kick the guy to the curb. What do people do when they have children full time? Minor kids live with their parents, so getting mad about it is strange. You want random adult time with no kids home, date childless men.
And why do you expect him to be a good dating boyfriend if he was bad live in boyfriend? He's not changing. You can only change yourself and your own life
As far as begrudging time
As far as begrudging time with his kid - i don't think it's necessarily that that OP is unhappy about. I've been in the situation on all sides. I did actually break up with a guy who would lose it every time I had my kids off-schedule. But, looking back, i wasn't really in a place to be starting a new relationship anyway.
I've dated a man with 3 young kids in the past, and him having them, communicating with the BM - all that was practically a non-issue. I've also been in a situation where it was me begrudging the extra time with just one kid.
When i really think about it, what caused me to be the "begrudger" was the dynamic in play. I felt that the BM was controlling the situation too much. All the changes were for her convenience. The changes happened too frequently and were usually something that affected my life negatively. Communication was very frequent and very chaotic. There was a battle between my SO and his ex to be the favored parent, and there was a constant undercurrent of who could entertain the little darling the most and be the most loved parent. It was a constant unease. Also, the guy with 3 kids and his BM actually parented, were fairly reasonable people, and the kids were normally behaved. Not perfect, but it's a lot easier to accept extra time with a normal child than one with unpleasant behavior problems. Or to accept extra time when your SO doesn't change into a completely different person when he's trying to appease the BM and bend over backwards to keep little Cartman happy.
I completely agree that no
I completely agree that no one should be expected to not go to funerals. I supported her going. What my issue was is I would have liked if BF spoke to me about it and we could both be on the same page about how long she is going and how many days we take SS. Even though this didn't happen, I was still supportive. The problem was when I asked him to exchange the additional weekend he got with BM since shes now back in town. I also feel the time away was excessive, but even that aside I just wanted quality time with BF and it seemed like he didn't want to make the exchange and implied I was unreasonable.
I love this community and it's been a big help. The only thing that doesn't help is the "why are you with him/just leave" statements that kind of talk down to me. I moved to an island. A freaking island. Did you know hawaii is the piece of land that is furthest away from any other body of land in the world? It's basically remote. I left my entire network of familly and friends, to a place that is very difficult to make lasting friendships. People come and go here a lot. Not to mention, I became estranged from my dad a couple years ago and that has shrunk my already distanced circle of support.
I've never been in a relationship like this, ever. Not only a relationship where a child and divorce is involved, but also the type of treatment I've received. The few friendships I have made here ended because they were so frustrated watching me in this situation. That has really brought down my self esteem and isolated me even more. I've become so dependant on him emotionally. I don't trust my judgement anymore. My only connection and source of comfort has been my BF because of all that.
I appreciate the perspective that if your daughter was in my position you would feel afraid for her. I wish I had a mother that cared that way about me. My mom, who I love because she's my mom, hasn't ever been an adult to me in my life. I've always been the parent to her. She has also been stuck in abusive relationships and lost almost all of her friends because of it. I hated watching, and I hate even more that I'm basically becoming her.
I have left my BF in the past, a few times actually. And the pain I experienced from the loneliness shook me to my core and I'm terrified to feel that again. Maybe I'm weak. Either way I know that since I don't know if my judgement is accurate, being validated helps a lot.
You said in another post you
You said in another post you are a counselor. Counselor yourself, find one for yourself, find a mentor. Do something to build your backbone.
Girl I'm trying. I know I'm a
Girl I'm trying. I know I'm a counselor but it isn't possible to be your own counselor. I've also been in therapy for years and I've grown in a lot of ways.... but I'm still stuck in this cycle. "build your backbone" was painful to hear
But it's not "we have SS".
But it's not "we have SS". You don't even live there. You two are dating. It's not "we" raising SS especially since you don't even go there when he has a kid. You two are dating. Why does he need to consult with you to have his child? He is a jerk but it's not something you can demand from a parent with young kids.
why do you live in Hawaii if you don't like it there? Please tell me you didn't move there for a dude. You aren't even married. You left your life behind to sit and wait when some guy doesn't have a kid and you'll have adult time?
And it didn't randomly started to be bad. It was always bad. You don't have to live on islands if it's not a life for you. Look for a job in 49 other states and start making plans to move.
You are still young. But imagine still doing this nonsense at 50? 60? Sitting around? In fact if you are waiting till the kid is 18, you'll be 50 by then and he might live at home longer. So you might not have your uninterrupted adult time till you are 55. Heck your boyfriend might become a grandfather early and have a grandkid over. Your plans on sticking around until boyfriends house is child free, might never materialize. It might never be child free.
It's not the way to live. Either find a childless man or a man who acts differently towards you and is commited to you
I have to correct you. I'd
I have to correct you. I'd not be afraid for DD if she chose your life. I am just saying it's not a good life for 38-year old. You could be single or married or coupled and you can enjoy your life regardless. Sitting and waiting for a guy not to have a kid at home so he could give you "adult time" isn't a good life. You aren't enjoying your life. So what's the point.
I also don't understand why you want to act as a victim of being in Hawaii. You weren't shipped to Hawaii by force, you aren't in the military and you have nothing there so it's entirely your choice to move there. After many years there you still don't like it and are lonely. But you aren't a victim of it. You have freedom to move. It's a choice
Your "feedback" is awfully
Your "feedback" is awfully hurtful, you know. I came here to "vent" about a situation I feel stuck in and I usually think of this community as safe but honestly this just hurts. Clearly my self worth is in the mud. Do you think telling me how much of an idiot I am helps? I already tell myself I'm an idiot every day for the reasons you're listing.
If he isn't willing to make time for you
If he doesn't have time in his life for you, and isn't willing to make the time, then I guess he doesn't really want a relationship with you. I would listen to what his actions are telling you and dump him. You deserve someone who is fully invested in a relationship with you. He seems like he makes you an "afterthought". This is not ok.
Definitely look after you! If
Definitely look after you! If they do not keep to the schedule and your DH is just as bad as her for accepting the changes and think 'oh I don't need to discuss it with you as SS is my kid' it's wrong. He isn't respecting you as his partner and you need to not accept it anymore. Two weeks for a funeral?? My god give me a break. BM did that KNOWING your SO would take him. She milked every day she could and that would piss me off so much. DH went interstate for his 16 year old neices funeral and was gone 2 nights.
Also, 38 is still young! Do not settle for him. When one door closes ANOTHER door always opens!! It really does. Get yourself pampered and feeling hot, take control of what YOU want and if he doesn't chase you and put yourself ahead of BMs chaotic life then do not look back and keep walking and close the door on him. It's hard to do and I hope you find the courage and strength to do it for you. Five and a half years of this and with all the effort you have put in to try and change it.. I honestly think it won't.
You ask if you're being
You ask if you're being unreasonable ... This guy keeps on showing you where his priorities lie, what is important to him, exactly where in the pecking order you are for him and you keep expecting him to change. Why would that be reasonable?
FWIW, I had unplanned twins at age 42 ... 38 is most definitely not over the hill! Work out what is important to you in life, put your priorities in order and go after them, wherever that may take you. You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for your bf to notice that you need attention and caring.