Is my marriage dissipating because of the kids? (Life Story)
I know someone is just going to tell me to leave now instead trying to work things out but i have invested too much into my marriage just to walk away now. I have been married for about eight years now. My husband was an older man (6-7 years difference depending on the time of the year) and I was 20 when we got married. Hubby had 4 children with his ex, they now range from 17 to 12 years old. I told all of the kids when I first met them that I wasn't there to replace their mom, that they could call me by my first name, and that I was just another parent that their father chose to be with. It took years for the kids to get use to me, I was always trying to be the "good witch" of "evil stepmother land". The BM told the kids I was the reason the parents marriage failed! Some of the kids still believe that today!!! Funny thing was I didn't even know their father when he came home and found her the sweet BM cheating on him or when she left him and moved in with her mom (2 states away from him)! It hurts when you show nothing but love and compassion to the kids and they treat like the slut who f_cked up their life. This is how much I loved them..... When I was overseas on a deployment to the big desert land I wrote Coach Bobby Bowden (Head FSU Football Coach) about my oldest stepson because he had developed a brain tumor back in the states and my unit wouldn't allow me to return because he wasn't my biological son, Anyways, I wrote to him because my stepson played quaterback in little league and loved FSU at the time and I asked Bobby Bowden if he could please do anything for my stepson to help him through this difficult stage in his life. Well, Bobby Bowden came through and sent my stepson a autographed picture of him on the 50 yard line and told him the whole team was praying for him! My stepson tumor shrank and hasn't been a problem since. I would have gone to hell for the kids. Now, I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire! A couple of years ago my life changed. The oldest stepson moved in with us because he couldn't get along with the meth-head their BM was with! Great role there, her whole family is screw up on one drug or another! I couldn't let the kid think that nobody loved or cared about him so, I welcomed him with open arms into my house. That's when everything changed! My hubby couldn't step up the plate and enforce and rule or restrictions on the kid. It was here's the damn SM being queen b_tch again, hubby didn't even tell the state about his son living with us so they could change the child support. Another year down the road and the BM has child with the meth-head. Only funny part is now this piece of garbage is getting taken to the cleaners over child support too because she booted him out after the baby was born! The BM is a conartist at trapping men into child support. THe BM just booted her youngest with my hubby out because he was too much for her to handle. Any sane parent couldn't do that! So, of course I open my doors again. There are now 2 kids with us and 2 with her and my hubby will still not get the child support adjusted! Now, I have to be the rule enforcer to both of them. My rules are simple quite easier than the one I grew up with! If they do good they do get rewarded either by money or things they want. I am not some evil person but, with discipline comes challenges especially since they are teens. It seem now I still have to be the bad guy. My husband tells me he doesn't want anymore kids, that he doesn't want to start over. Granted I loved our life before the kids moved in but now the BM was good enough to have kids with and I am not???? I know he was 16/17 when they had the first child and was pushed into marriage because it was the right thing to do but, what about me and my family? I still haven't told my parent's no biological grandchildren because that would piss them off. I have never forced or entraped my hubby to do anything he didn't want too and I get "shafted"! As for the discpline thing he now complains that he tired of the "drama" I am sorry but if he f-ing man-ed up I wouldn't be going through this!!! The kids are teens and drama is part of their rebellion that all teens go through and this sh_t is my fault how? I love my husband and miss the better days but my marriage is wasting aways because the the kids. To tell you the truth if I could go back in time, things may be played out differently. I definately would've thought the words for better or for worse out a whole hell of a lot more than I did at the time! Sad thing is if our marriage does go sour beyond repair is, I have nothing to offer next relationship. We have a house, seperate vehicles and all but who is going to want a late 20's slightly overweight pessimistic person? I do have a college degree and do good for myself but don't know if I would spend my time on a relationship ever again. I do love my hubby so very much but the kids have definately had a negative effect on my marriage. For now, I am hanging in there! I still wonder why am I the bad person? Thanks for reading, it feels good to finally be open to someone about my feelings!
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Comments
Ha! As my SS's BM has shown,
Ha! As my SS's BM has shown, anybody can get a guy! She's almost 300 pounds, dresses like a guy, and bathes about once every 10 days. And I'm not exaggerating!
Clearly you're a better woman than her.
You're right, husband needs to man up and stand up. If he truly loved you, he'd do everything within reason to make you feel happy and respected. Just like you deserve! So if he's not gonna do it, then you need to do it for yourself!
Being married is really hard
Being married is really hard especially if you already have kids. I hope that you can make it through. I think we've all heard people joke that a person should be qualified before they're allowed to have children, and this nut job Joshua Tabor personifies the argument for that – the guy in the "father waterboards daughter" story. Waterboarding is unequivocally torture; there really isn't any debate over that. When it comes to the enemy, that is one thing, although information extracted with torture isn't entirely reliable, but waterboarding a 4 year old for not saying the alphabet? This guy is going to need some payday loans at least to afford a good lawyer.
I couldn't stand there and
I couldn't stand there and watch that creep do that to his four year old! In my opinion, they both need a good butt whooping if not more. Although I have had my issues with my stepkids, there are just certain things you DON'T do to children. Kids only have one childhood!
I lose my mind a little more each day!
I recommend you work to make
I recommend you work to make yourself happy right now, and if he doesn't support that you have your answer.
I received the same advice when I was struggling, and if I'd have taken it I would have not been in my current position (H leaving me for a coworker, b/c he couldn't step up and handle the blended family drama, or lift the burden off my shoulders.)
This morning, BD 4 came into our room- forgot one of her stuffed animal friends downstairs. She has a bad cold, and she then couldn't get back to sleep from the coughing. So there's my H sleeping away, while I'm up at 3:30 am thinking, "I can't WAIT til I have to call off work b/c she's sick and he's forcing me back into the position of single parent. I can't WAIT til I'm up all night like this off and on with BD, and I have to CRAWL into work." Etc. And b/c I'll have FC, he will get to only deal occasionally with such things on a Sat night when he doesn't have to get up and function in the am.
It's always been so. He is the breadwinner in our case, so I've handled every illness virtually alone. I remember in the fall after weeks and weeks of BD being sick after starting preschool, when on a Sat night I said, "Could you take the night shift please?"
"Oh...sorry...I'm so TIRED."
I guess when I put it that way I've been a single parent already for a while.
Kit...
Fill your own voids and then figure out if your H is strong enough to be the husband YOU need in your life. If he isn't you will be strong enough to realize that spending more time giving to him and his children is not worth the price you are paying, or the fact that he and the kids are not ever going to appreciate it the way they should.
I have spun myself in circles trying to make this work for 6 years, and in the end...
I was totally expendable to him and his daughter.
I feel for you! I hope that
I feel for you! I hope that everything works out for the better and you find a MAN that deserves such a caring person like yourself!!!
I lose my mind a little more each day!
Thanks but the last thing I
Thanks but the last thing I need is another man for quite a while. I'm really going to have to peel off the most baggage a man/situation has ever layered on me.
I'll get there one day. One day at a time that is.
After my DH passed away I
After my DH passed away I thought the same thing....who would want a 40 something with 1 teen DD and a son with GF and baby that were much trouble at the time. Then I found him.
They are out there honey, they are looking for a smart, intelligent, indenpendant woman to teach them what a real women is.
Hun, there are plenty of men
Hun, there are plenty of men that will want you. And frankly, the good ones aren't shallow. Those are the ones you want.
I agree with summer flowers. If it's a choice between DH and a baby, pick the baby. You might regret staying with DH and not having children of your own, but you will never regret your child, even if the relationship with his/her parent doesn't work out. Make yourself happy, because the only one concerned about your happiness is you.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
I was lucky that I raised my
I was lucky that I raised my niece for the first year of her life before I was married. So, I know the bond I formed with her will keep my old butt out of the nursing home when it comes time. She is still like my daughter to me in a sense, I would do anything for her. I still have no confidence in my skids for care when I get older. Heck, I am only in my late 20's now and they ask me already about who is going to get what after my hubby and I die! They will be sad to know all of "cool" things I accumulated will be left to my niece not that they won't get anything but my personal favorites will go back to my family and stay in the line.
I lose my mind a little more each day!
I was lucky that I raised my
I was lucky that I raised my niece for the first year of her life before I was married. So, I know the bond I formed with her will keep my old butt out of the nursing home when it comes time. She is still like my daughter to me in a sense, I would do anything for her. I still have no confidence in my skids for care when I get older. Heck, I am only in my late 20's now and they ask me already about who is going to get what after my hubby and I die! They will be sad to know all of "cool" things I accumulated will be left to my niece not that they won't get anything but my personal favorites will go back to my family and stay in the line.
I lose my mind a little more each day!
who is going to want a late
who is going to want a late 20's slightly overweight pessimistic person? The answer is lots of people. But whats most important is whats important to you in a marraige. If you want to have children, and he's flat out saying no, I would leave his as* quicker than ..... You mst be happy, and be able to take care of yourself, BEFORE you can take care of anyone else. And if u can not reproduce, and that makes you unhappy, then in my opinion nothing else matters. You can love him and leave him.